


when did we become each other's secrets?

by tigerlo



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, always and only ever a happy ending, because they love each other but there's an ocean between them, but there's a happy ending I promise, i'm not sure how to tag this because it's different to everything else, it's more like longing, like there's angst but it's lighter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-14 19:08:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 45,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10542705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerlo/pseuds/tigerlo
Summary: the complexity of falling in love while you’re trying to love someone else.orthe one where Erin and Jillian have an affair.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Finally, I present to you the beginning of this monster I've been working on for months. 
> 
> This was inspired by a number of different stories but most notably an Emma/Regina one I read years ago that's never ever left me, and I've wanted to play my hand at an affair fic ever since.
> 
> I wanted to tell a tale of how life is never simple and things are never black and white. And how sometimes the universe fucks things up for you and scatters your hand before you get a chance to sort your cards, but that if you love someone you'll always find your way to each other in the end.
> 
> A huge thank you to lexluthr who has helped me read this enormous beast through and make sure it's as legible as possible.
> 
> Anyway, enough waffle. I'm very fond of this and I really hope you all are too, in time. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> x

-

 

**we start**

 

-

 

It’s inevitable.

 

That’s what Erin feels echo through her veins as she peels Jillian’s clothing from her body with a gasp that rings the heavens, her lips kissing skin that isn’t _hers_ to kiss.

 

It’s all inevitable.

 

And they never had a chance from the start.

 

-

 

New York changes things.

 

They're offered formal positions by the Mayor’s office, secretly of course, but still.

 

Formal positions with government salaries and government funding which gives them the freedom to explore and discover and learn, beyond what Erin ever thought possible.

 

Columbia University crawls on its hands and knees begging Erin to come back and accept a tenured position. Which she does, on a part-time basis, with provisions.

 

A higher salary than all her male colleagues and raises, where appropriate, for all the female members of staff paid less than their male counterparts.

 

And a nicer office.

 

It's petty, she knows, but when she shakes the hand of the Head of School and accepts the position she sighs, breathing with a sweetness and satisfaction she had never expected.

 

They move into the firehouse and Erin establishes a place in Holtzmann’s lab, a space carved for her more carefully than Erin had thought possible from the blonde, and for the first time in years, she is _happy_.

 

And their positioning makes sense, really, it does.

 

Because Abby and Patty work together more often and Jillian builds her work around actualising what Erin theorises, so of course they have to be closer to one another.

 

This is what Erin tells herself anyway.

 

It's how she justifies the constant desire to be near Jillian for as much of her waking day as possible.

 

Because they're colleagues.

 

Partners even.

 

Nothing more than that.

 

It's _strictly_ professional.

 

Right?

 

 

-

 

 

It's a lie, of course.

 

Because in the deeper part of her chest, Erin _knows_.

 

She knows the draw is there.

 

She has tasted it on her tongue like mercury from the first time they met, and every day since spent in Jillian's presence.

 

It seeps into her consciousness and she holds onto it, with claws into its waking breathing form, like nothing else that **has** come or _will_ come into her life.

 

 

-

 

 

And she knows Jillian feels it too.

 

Because how can she _not_.

 

Not when it purrs when they are close and growls when they are too far.

 

It speaks to Erin when Jillian's arm slides around her shoulders as she's explaining a new blueprint or prototype as loud as a hammer against a steel drum.

 

So how can Jillian _not_ hear it too.

 

 

-

 

 

But she doesn't do anything. Neither of them do.

 

Erin is locked in place by fear.

 

Fear of denial, of rejection, of the destruction of hope around the curve of her spine.

 

She knows Jillian wants to do something too.

 

She can feel it in the way that she flexes her hands around Erin like she's trying to keep them busy so she doesn't take hold of something she knows she'll never be able to let go of.

 

But she doesn't.

 

She waits.

 

And Erin feels like she's waiting for something, for Erin maybe.

 

Because while she knows the fear of rejection drives her, it _hamstrings_ Jillian Holtzmann.

 

Especially when it comes to Erin.

 

And she doesn't know entirely why, but it has to mean something.

 

Doesn't it?

 

 

-

 

 

 

So it goes.

 

They move and bend and arch around each other in a gracious waltz, coming close enough to what they want that they can brush their fingertips past it.

 

But no more.

 

And sometimes it makes Erin want to scream but they've built such a beautiful structure around each other now, and over Abby and Patty too, and she's so loathe to risk any of it for something as small as her own happiness.

 

 

-

 

 

They keep the status quo.

 

And they catch each other looking across the lab like they're waiting for a sign to come together like lightning to a rod.

 

But it **doesn't** , so they _hold_.

 

And Erin grows hungrier than she's ever been in her life.

 

 

-

 

 

Erin meets him six months after they save New York.

 

He's a professor, a physicist, from out of state. Visiting the city specifically to hear one of Erin's guest lectures.

 

And she doesn't fall over him.

 

But he's _fine_.

 

He’s nice.

 

And he's cute, and Erin can't think of a reason to say no when he asks her out.

 

So she says yes.

 

And watches as Jillian’s heart breaks from the outside in when she finds out.

 

 

-

 

 

Erin doesn't actually tell her at first.

 

And she wants to pretend that it's because it's not really a big deal, but she knows the reason she's afraid to is because it _is_.

 

She tries to reason that it doesn't actually mean anything huge.

 

Because it's _just_ a date.

 

He might be a complete disaster. And Erin really had only said yes because she didn't have a reason to say no.

 

Well a hard one, anyway.

 

Because ‘I'm sorry but I can't because I think I'm in love with my colleague come best friend but I'm too afraid to actually admit it because I don't want to mess everything up so instead I'm just going to suffer in silence’ isn't something you'd normally say to someone on a first date.

 

So she doesn't say anything, just tries to slip off early one Friday afternoon as she ignores the weight moving through her veins like lead.

 

Like guilt.

 

But she doesn't get away smoothly, of course she doesn't.

 

Because Jillian notices _everything_ when it comes to Erin.

 

“Are you off already? Holtz asks Erin as she packs up her desk as silently as possible. “You don't have a date do you Gilbert?”

 

It's a joke, and she could have said anything else but of course she didn't.

 

Erin just kind of freezes and she watches as the realisation slides across Jillian's face and it's awful.

 

Because she looks like someone _died_.

 

“Oh,” Holtz says quietly, the colour draining from her face.

 

“I didn't know you were dating,” She says slowly, and Erin knows it's not what she had meant to say out loud.  

 

Not if the look of slight panic on her face in the second that follows is anything to go by.

 

But Erin feels a dull thud hit her in the chest because the pain in Jillian's voice is **loud**.

 

And she might not have meant to say that out loud, but Erin knows it's what she really wanted to ask.

 

Holtz regains control of her features quick though, reading her reaction from the mirrored look of pain on Erin's face.

 

“Good for you, Erin. You deserve it. I hope he knows how lucky he is.”

 

She tries for nonchalance, to show Jillian that this doesn't mean anything.

 

“It's just a date Jill. He might be a total asshole.”

 

“Still. You deserve to be happy. If you're looking, I hope you find someone who’s….”

 

She trails off and Erin's not sure if it's because she had wanted to say someone who makes you happy, or someone who's good enough for you.

 

Or someone who's me.

 

Erin watches as Holtz shakes her head, rubbing her eyes roughly under her glasses before she looks up to Erin with a clear gaze laced with something that looks too heavy for her shoulders.

 

Like regret.  

 

“Sorry, Er I guess I'm just tired. I hope you have a really nice time. We'll all expect a full report on Monday morning, ok?”

 

“Yeah,” Erin says nodding sadly. “You got it.”

 

And she can't stop this suffocating feeling of _wrong_ crawling heavily over her chest as she watches Holtz grimace a smile in response before she picks her pliers up again.

 

“Good night Jill,” she says softly when she gets to the door.

 

Jillian looks up immediately, her whole body softening at the gentle tone in Erin's voice.

 

“Not too late, right?”

 

“You're the boss, Gilbert,” she says smiling in return and she looks so young, so beautiful that Erin's hit, full on over her heart, with a vision of what they _could_ have.

 

Of the two of them packing up on Friday night and leaving. Together.

 

Winding their fingers through the perfect gaps in each other's hands and going home.

 

And eating dinner.

 

And Erin kissing sauce off the corner of Jillian's mouth.

 

And making love.

 

But then she comes back to reality.

 

Because Jillian doesn't want that, _right_?

 

Because of everything Erin knows about her, Erin knows that she's a woman who doesn't follow rules and lives in her own world and if she truly wanted Erin there, wouldn't she already have asked?

 

“Erin?” Holtz asks, her voice a little uncertain at Erin’s odd pause.

 

“Is everything ok?”

 

“Yes,” she says shaking the dream from her head. “Just day-dreaming. Have a nice weekend Jill.”

 

With that she goes, and she can't pinpoint what it is, this feeling of dread that stays with her, until she gets home.

 

And when she does she feels a little sick.

 

Because it feels like she left her _heart_ behind.

 

 

-

 

 

The date is a disaster.

 

Because he's lovely.

 

He's smart and polite and kind and _so_ interested in Erin's work.

 

He has ashy blonde hair and an outfit her mother would be proud of and he is attractive, Erin can't deny that.

 

They have a nice dinner together and he invites her out for a nightcap and she says yes.

 

Because she doesn't have a reason to say no.

 

He walks her home after and presses a kiss to her cheek and asks for her number and Erin pauses, almost stops this thing in its tracks but she doesn't.

 

Because he is nice.

 

And she's _lonely_.

 

And if the person she truly wants by her side can't be there then she might as well have some company in the meantime.

 

She hands him a business card and his face lights up and he's so kind that Erin thinks she could do this.

 

Maybe.

 

If it doesn't break _her_ heart first.

 

 

-

 

 

He calls over the weekend like a perfect gentleman and asks her out on a second date.

 

Which again, she says yes to because she can't say what she really wants.

 

She can't say ‘you're lovely and this makes me a horrible person but you're a fill in and that's all’ so instead she says how about dinner on Monday night.

 

 

-

 

 

Abby and Patty are beside themselves with excitement on Monday morning.

 

They pounce on her the minute she walks through the door and she should have been expecting it but still, it's a lot.

 

She'd had the forethought to text Abby over the weekend to tell her, because she knew that they'd find out eventually.

 

Not from Holtz though.

 

Erin knew she wouldn't have said anything.

 

Because while she's out there with many things to do with herself, she's _deeply_ private with other people's secrets and Erin knows if she ever had to tell Jillian something huge, she'd take it to the grave.

 

But with this it's more than that, too.

 

Because Erin feels like that information would have been like poison, and if Holtz could ignore it, smother it and never share it with another soul she would have too.

 

She's very quiet, sitting at the table and smiling politely while Abby and Patty ask Erin a million different questions about her date and their plans tonight.

 

She lasts longer than Erin would have been able to if their roles were reversed before she excuses herself.

 

“He sounds like a peach Erin,” Jillian says, and her voice is happy like she's trying so hard to do this for Erin, but her eyes are in pain.

 

Erin wants to reach out, grab her by the wrist and do something but she doesn't know what.

 

Her hand moves though, completely of its own accord and Jillian watches as it reaches out towards her.

 

It settles around the fine bones under Jillian's skin and Erin feels this electric **heat** reach out between them and run over every inch of skin on her body and she _knows_ Jillian feels it too.

 

She stutters for a second, because all she can think about is that and why and how and Jillian, wonderful, kind Jillian comes to her rescue because Abby and Patty are starting to stare and Erin doesn't know what to say.

 

“I'm ok, promise. Just have a bit of a headache. I might head off early.”

 

“Are you ok, because I don't have to go tonight. I can stay, if you need someone to look after you.”

 

“Don't be stupid,” Abby says quickly. “You've got a date. We can do that if Holtz needs anything.”

 

“Holtz can also look after herself because she's a grown-up,” Holtz says frowning at Abby.

 

“No you can't,” Erin and Abby both echo at the same time.

 

“Alright, pick on me time is over. I'm gonna go pop a couple pills and head off. That ok?”

 

“Are you sure?” Erin asks with concerned eyes. “I really don't mind.”

 

“Nah,” Jillian says shrugging. “I'm not your responsibility Erin. I'll be fine.”

 

She must bristle slightly at the dismissal because Holtz’s hand closes around Erin's when she makes to pull away.

 

“Thanks though Er. You know I'd steal you away but I don't want to keep you from your date.”

 

She says date but it sounds like _fate_.

 

And it almost breaks Erin because she wants to fall to her knees and pull Jillian down with her because their fates, if there is such a thing, should be together.

 

And all of a sudden Erin can't do this.

 

She can't see him because she wants something else.

 

Someone else.

 

“You know what,” she says running her hands through her hair. “I don't feel that great either. Maybe I'll call and….”

 

“No way,” Abby says quickly. “You haven't been on a date since Phil, Erin. This will be good for you.”

 

“Yeah girl,” Patty says kindly. “You gotta get back out there. You're a damn catch. You're wasted hiding out in that lab with Holtzy.”

 

She claps a hand roughly around Jillian's shoulders.

 

“Right baby?”

 

She doesn't say anything at first, just winces a little and Erin winces too.

 

Abby catches it that time too, her eyes flicking between Erin and Jillian in comprehension.

 

“Right,” Holtz says finally, smiling like it's costing her all the oxygen in her body.

 

“We want you to be happy, Er.”

 

And it makes Erin falter.

 

Because if she really wanted to keep Erin here, she could have with the excuse Erin just presented her on a silver platter.

 

And Erin doesn't know if Jillian doesn't because she truly isn't interested, or if she thinks the date is really what Erin wants.

 

Either way though the answer is the same.

 

And Erin has no choice but to go with it.

 

For now at least.

 

“Ok,” she says even though it feels like she's loading a silver bullet in the gun.

 

“Good,” Abby says, and her smile is genuine because really, they do want Erin to be happy.

 

And it's not their fault she isn't brave enough or sure enough to tell them what she really wants.

 

What she really needs to be happy.

 

Jillian doesn't meet her eye when she shuffles out a few minutes later.

 

 

-

 

 

Their second date is great too, and he kisses her on the lips this time at the end.

 

It's pleasant and nice and _fine_.

 

And it feels hollower than Erin ever remembers a kiss being.

 

 

-

 

 

She spends the week stuck inside her own head, thinking through a million different scenarios where she asks Jillian out on a date.

 

In every one she says yes.

 

And in every one they live their lives out together, deeply happy.

 

And Erin tries to imagine that scenario with him, or anyone else but it doesn't work.

 

Because she can't get past the feeling that something is missing every time.

 

But with Jillian it is _perfect_.

 

And it's not all roses, because nothing ever is.

 

They argue and sometimes don't see eye to eye but it doesn't matter because they're all small petty things, and they have the weight of the _universe_ behind them as a rod at their backs.

 

But that’s not enough. For now.

 

  
-

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The equation is further complicated, and Erin and Jillian learn the limits of acceptable behaviour are _flexible_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rollercoaster begins....

-

 

 

Erin leaves it a week.

 

Gives herself that much time to come around to the idea of this wonderful, lovely guy but it doesn't make a lick of difference.

 

It's Friday again and Erin resolves to tell him in person tomorrow.

 

They have a date planned for the afternoon and regardless of the fact that they've only been going out a week, she feels she owes it to him to break things off in person.

 

The four of them pack up and head down to a bar before they head home for the weekend, and it's one of the first times Erin has seen Holtz all week.

 

She’s been busy, apparently. Suddenly spending more time than ever out and away from the lab.

 

And it's been hard but Erin knows it's going to be fine because tomorrow afternoon, after her date, she's going to go home via Jillian's apartment and tell her everything.

 

Abby and Patty walk ahead once they leave, eager for a drink, and she and Holtz trail behind.

 

She threads her arm through Jillian's on a whim when the others move away, suddenly desperate to touch after a week of nothing.

 

Holtz turns to her, a puzzled look on her face and goes to move away after a few seconds but Erin stops her with a light hand on her arm.

 

“Stay. Please? I miss you. I feel like I've hardly seen you all week.”

 

“I've been busy,” Holtz says shrugging casually and Erin feels a _crack_ of pain at her nonchalance cross her face, which Jillian sees too.

 

“Sorry Er,” she says softening. “I've just had a lot on my mind. Sometimes it's easier to be out when I get like that.”

 

And it makes Erin feel like crap because that's her doing.

 

“I wondered if I could come round tomorrow night?” Erin says slowly. “And we can just hang out. Watch a movie or something.”

 

But Erin doesn't get to finish her sentence because they're here, and Patty’s holding the door open for them.

 

The music’s too loud for them to hold a proper conversation once they walk in and Holtz gives her a look that says ‘we’ll finish this later?’ and Erin nods with a small smile.

 

They find a table and Erin waits, only sitting when Holtz takes her seat so Erin can sit beside her.

 

Abby watches the whole exchange but doesn't say anything, just eyes Erin with a mild curiosity.

 

Abby gets up to order them another round after a while and she's gone for long enough that Erin spins in her seat to look for her.

 

She doesn't have to look far, a few feet maybe where Abby's talking animatedly with a stranger that she drags, reluctantly if the strangers posture is anything to go by, back towards their table.

 

Holtz turns, not having noticed their interaction and then Erin's world comes _crashing_ down around her shoulders.

 

“Look who I found,” Abby says happily and Erin watches as Holtz bristles beside her.

 

She's stunning close up. Long blonde hair wound into a high ponytail and a crisp white shirt tucked into tight black dress pants.

 

“Hey Holtz, been a long time, huh?”

 

Erin's brain is going a million miles an hour and she feels vaguely sick because she thinks she knows who this person was to Jillian, and it wasn't just a friend.

 

She's not at all what Erin would have pegged Jillian's type for but she's more threatening for that, in Erin's eyes at least.

 

Because she is beautiful. Much more so than Erin thinks she is herself.

 

Holtz is perfectly still next to Erin and she can almost hear her heartbeat pounding through her body, can almost see it jump in the veins running over her hands.

 

“Hi,” Holtz says finally, collecting herself. “Long time indeed.”

 

There's a painfully awkward beat and they all stand there looking blankly at each other as Abby gives Holtz a scowl and Holtz clears her throat.

 

It looks she's about to speak but the stranger beats her to it.

 

“Can I buy you a drink? Abby tells me you've been doing some incredible stuff since I saw you last.”

 

Holtz just scowls back at Abby, behind the back of the new woman so she can't see before Holtz nods slowly.

 

“Why not,” she says, slapping her hands on her thighs as she stands. “Still a gin and tonic?”

 

They walk over and perch against the leaner bar and to begin with Jillian's body language just _radiates_ disinterest but then there's this shift.

 

There's a moment where Holtz looks back over at them from the bar.

 

Her eyes lock with Erin's and she feels a vein deeper than either of them are old run through them, and she smiles the saddest smile Erin's ever seen before she turns back.

 

Erin feels something change, drop out of the air and nick the tie between them as she watches Holtz turn back to the other woman and smile.

 

But it's not the smile she was giving before.

 

It's the smile she normally gives Erin.

 

The other blonde smiles back because who _wouldn't_ , and after a few minutes of absolute torture Holtz walks back over to them.

 

“We're actually going to hit town for some food, if that's ok with you guys?”

 

And Erin wants to say _no, we’re out together and you can't just leave_ , but she remembers that Jillian's not hers. Not like that, so she nods instead.

 

She nods because Jillian's eyes find hers first, asking for permission and for the fourth time in as many days she says yes because she doesn't have a reason to say no.

 

“Go get em girl,” Patty says with a wink.

 

Jillian turns back at the last, as if giving Erin one last chance to object but she doesn't. She can't find the words because it feels like she can't _breathe_.

 

She moves to walk away before she stops again, as though remembering that she had forgotten something and Erin wants to scream **it's me** but she can't.

 

“Tomorrow?” Holtz says to her, her eyes full of something that looks like a mix of pain and hope.

 

“Yeah,” Erin says with a quiet smile. “Tomorrow sounds great.”

 

And then they leave, Holtz walking back over to collect her friend and Erin can't stop her eyes narrowing at the way her hand settles over the small of Jillian's back as she holds the door open.

 

“You alright Erin?” Patty asks a few minutes later. “You look like you're gonna go hulk on that glass.”

 

“Fine,” Erin says evenly. “Actually I'm not feeling great. I think I'm going to head home.”

 

“Erin,” Abby says, and it sounds a little like a warning so Erin stills but she doesn't say anything else.

 

She waits for a beat, meeting Abby's eyes across the table but she stays silent so Erin bites her tongue too.

 

Part of her actually wants Abby to speak out though because she's curious about what she'll actually say.

 

Leave her be?

 

Be careful?

 

Or what do you think you're doing?

 

She doesn't though, just glances sideways at Patty who's checking her phone and not paying a bit of attention and then back at Erin in a way that tells Erin _later_.

 

So she nods, collects her jacket and says her goodnights and then cries until she falls asleep as she feels a loss she doesn't understand drag its teeth down her throat.

 

 

-

 

 

She sees him again the next afternoon and she doesn't break things off because Holtz had called her in the morning to rain check on their day together and Erin had heard _her_ voice in the background.

 

 

-

 

 

She walks Holtz to work on Monday morning in her immaculate black suit and shirt and they hold hands but when Jillian smiles it just falls short of her eyes.

 

And the others don't notice but Erin does because when it comes to Jillian, Erin notices everything too.

 

They say their goodbyes and Holtz kisses her on the cheek and ignores the catcalls from the other two as she shuffles up the stairs to the lab.

 

Erin gives them a forced smile as she heads upstairs too, and it feels a bit like she's walking to her own execution.

 

She speaks first, because she knows how Holtz works.

 

She offers an olive branch because above all else she wants Jillian to be happy, and while the smile might not have met her eyes, Jillian doesn't do things she doesn't want to.

 

“She seems nice Jill,” Erin says, and it costs her almost more than she has to make it sound like she's not falling apart. “You two dated before?”

 

Holtz looks up, surprised. Evidently not having expected to hear Erin speak.

 

“Briefly,” she says nodding. “It was never really anything serious. I never made it official and we just sort of drifted apart.”

 

“Oh,” Erin says nodding in return. “Well it's nice you wanted to try again.”

 

“Yeah,” Holtz says shrugging. “Why not, right?”

 

And it's more than a statement, it's a question.

 

But neither one of them is ready to answer truthfully.

 

Yet.

 

“Why not,” Erin affirms, because it might break her heart to do so but she'll respect Jillian's choice.

 

“Oh,” Holtz says, suddenly remembering. “I'm sorry about Saturday night. We'd just spent the day together and I didn't feel like I could ask her to leave, you know.”

 

“It's fine Holtz,” Erin says smiling softly.

 

“Another time?”

 

“For sure,” Erin replies, even though she knows it's a lie.

 

Because she might not want to rock the boat but she's not a masochist.

 

They fall into an easy silence after that and if Erin closes her eyes and listens really hard she can hear the thunder rumble deep in the space between them.

 

 

-

 

 

It gets easier.

 

Erin resigns herself to the situation because they're both adults and they've laid the earth for their graves with their own hands.

 

The weight lifts off her chest but the string around her wrist snags every time Holtz smiles at her when they forget they're actually dating other people.

 

For the most part it is fine though.

 

_She_ walks Holtz to work and _he_ picks Erin up at the end of the day and sometimes it feels like some sort of bizarre custody arrangement but it **works**.

 

For now, anyway.

 

 

-

 

 

And he is lovely.

 

He holds doors open and he buys flowers on Friday afternoons and he's everything Erin ever wanted in a boyfriend.

 

And while her heart still aches for smaller hands and rougher kisses, it's nice not to be lonely all the time.

 

And Holtz seems happy too.

 

She loosens up to Erin completely after a few weeks and it's like it was when they first met and it kills Erin but she'll take this a million times, over nothing.

 

 

-

 

 

Six months pass and Erin settles into a kind of equilibrium with the warring factions in her mind and she thinks maybe she can do this until something happens that blows her carefully manicured fortress to pieces.

 

 

-

 

 

“What do you mean they're kicking you out?”

 

“I don't think there's another way to put it Pattycakes,” Holtz says laughing as she spins her glass by the base on the table.

 

“They've sold and the new owners want to move in, so I have to move out.”

 

“That sucks, Holtz I'm sorry,” Abby says sympathetically. “If I had more than one room I'd have you in a heartbeat.”

 

“Me too girl,” Patty says regretfully. “What about….”

 

She doesn't need to finish her sentence because they all know what Patty means.

 

“Nah,” Holtz says shrugging. “She offered but I don't want to put more pressure on anything. Besides we've only been seeing each other for what, six months?”

 

Erin's silent for the first part of the exchange before the idea presents itself in Erin's head.

 

The rational part screams _don't you fucking dare_.

 

But the irrational part - the one that's been in love with Jillian Holtzmann for almost a year now - says _yes_ , Erin.

 

**Please**.

 

“You can come and stay with me?”

 

Three sets of eyes snap to hers in the flash of a second and she almost takes a step back beneath the force of it.

 

Patty just looks confused but Abby's looking at her with keen eyes and Holtz just looks _blank_.

 

Like that's literally the last thing she was expecting Erin to come out with.

 

And she almost backtracks beneath their uncertainty but the reckless part of Erin’s mind takes her by the wrists and _holds_.

 

“I mean I have the spare room. Well, it's a study now but we could fit a double bed in there easily if you wanted.”

 

“I couldn't impose like that Er,” Holtz says, shifting from foot to foot with a prick of nervous energy. “I don't know how long I'd be there, and you guys don't want me in your space either.”

 

“It's no problem,” Erin hears herself saying, and it's almost like she's watching this all happen from a foot above them because she long since lost the ability to change the course of what she's started.

 

“I mean he doesn't stay often because we're so busy here, and I know what your living habits are like because we work on top of each other upstairs, so that's fine.”

 

Holtz is watching her with an intensity that makes Erin think she can read her heartbeat through her throat but she doesn't say anything so Erin continues.  

 

“And I don't know, I wouldn't mind the company. So it doesn't matter if it takes you awhile to find another place.”

 

Erin pauses then, curious to see how this plays out next because she's half-expecting the doe in Jillian to spook, and take flight.

 

But she doesn't.

 

“If you're sure,” Holtz says evenly. “Like really sure? I think maybe you should sleep on it because….”

 

“Jill,” Erin says interrupting her with a laugh. “Shut up and say yes if you want, will you? It makes sense ok?”

 

It doesn't make sense you idiot, the rational part of her brain is screaming.

 

It doesn't make sense because you're in love with her and she might be with you, and you're both supposed to be loving other people.

 

But it doesn't matter.

 

Because Erin feels like even if she wanted to back out now, _something_ would stop her, because this feels like it was going to happen somewhere in the grand scheme of their lives anyway.

 

“You're sure?” Holtz asks one last time, frowning at Erin.

 

“Positive,” Erin replies nodding.

 

Positive this is going to be a cataclysmic disaster and we're both going to go up in flames before the month is out, yes.

 

“Double positive?”

 

“Jill…”

 

“Sorry, sorry. If you're sure then, that would be….”

 

A terrible idea?

 

Tempting fate?

 

Stretching the outer limits of both of our self-control?

 

“Great,” Holtz says simply after a second. “That would be great Er, thank you.”

 

Erin chances a glance at Abby as Patty claps Holtz on the shoulder and she looks incredulous, like she can't believe what Erin's just done.

 

She scowls in response and Abby’s face lightens a little into a wry smile.

 

They break away and discuss the logistics regarding moving Holtz’s things, and they organise for her to shift in after work the following day.

 

And it's fine, Erin tells herself on the way home. Because they're both with other people and they're adults and they can do this.

 

 

-

 

 

They can't do this.

 

It takes all of about three hours for Erin to realise this.

 

It's fine to start.

 

Because they come home from work and start unpacking the few possessions Holtz does have, so few in fact that Erin asks when the rest of her things are being delivered.

 

“This is it,” Holtz says holding up her hands in supplication.

 

“This is it? All of your stuff?” Erin says gesturing to the ten or so boxes scattered around her living room.

 

“What can I say? I travel light,” Holtz says shrugging. “I dunno, I've never been very materialistic. I mean I have my books, and the stuff I'm tinkering on but that's all at the firehouse now.”

 

She sounds a little hurt and Erin rushes to fill the gap.

 

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean….” she says before Holtz holds her hand up.

 

“It's fine Er,” Holtz says smiling softly. “It's fine. Makes it easy to move right? And this way I won't take up so much of your space.”

 

“It's your space too now, alright?” Erin says a little more seriously. “Don't feel like you have to tiptoe around, I want you to make yourself at home.”

 

Because she _knows_ Jillian, and she knows she'll try and make herself as small an imposition as possible.

 

“Feel free to bring your….” she starts but Holtz interrupts her.

 

“Come on Gilbert,” Holtz says laughing. “This place is roomy but it's not _that_ big. Especially if you have a plus one here too. It's fine, honestly. You have that. I can go to hers. Besides, it'll be nice to have an excuse to have some time to myself.”

 

“Oh,” Erin says surprised. “Is everything….?”

 

“Oh it's fine,” Holtz says batting the idea away. “It's fine, and she's nice but she always wants to do something. I'm just not used to sharing my space with someone twenty-four seven, you know?”

 

“You realise that's kind of what we’ll be doing though?” Erin asks with a smile.

 

“Yeah but you're different,” Holtz says with another shrug and a smile. “You're easy. I barely even notice when you're there.”

 

“Thanks,” Erin says with a scoff.

 

“No,” Holtz says trying to backtrack quickly. “You know what I mean Er, you're always just _there_. In the background. It's nice. Peaceful. I've never really had a friend like you before.”

 

“I know what you mean,” Erin says, the tension dropping from her shoulders.

 

And she does.

 

She's had Abby before, but Jillian is different.

 

Jillian is comfort and ease and she's quieter than everyone else realises, even more so around Erin, and she likes that.

 

That she gets to see a part of Jillian that no one else does.

 

That Jillian is comfortable enough around her to drop the armour from her body and step away smaller.

 

“Well,” Erin says bringing her hands together. “Let's find somewhere for these books, huh?”

 

She holds one up from the box with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Lesbian erotica, Jillian. Really?”

 

“I thought you could use a little education. Variation in your normal reading material, you know?” Holtz says with a wink before Erin hits her with the book.

 

Maybe they can do this Erin thinks as they unpack her books and clothes, and hang the few photos Holtz has with her.

 

Maybe it will be alright after all.

 

“I'm beat,” Holtz says running her hands through her hair a few hours later as they both collapse on the couch.

 

“Me too,” Erin says closing her eyes and pretending not to notice how close she sits to Holtz, their knees knocking together.

 

“Do you mind if I take over the bathroom for a bit?”

 

Erin narrows her eyes as if to say ‘we're not going to do this every time you want to do something in this apartment’ and Holtz smiles as she pushes up off the couch, her hand brushing Erin's knee on the way up.

 

Erin feels a little spark skitter across the skin of her leg and her heart does a double take as her breath catches in her throat.

 

Holtz doesn't notice anything, or if she does she hides it extremely well but she stops at the door to her room, turning back to Erin.

 

“Thank you,” she says, and Erin can see how much she means it in the way her body bends to Erin's. “I don't know if I've said that enough, but thank you Erin.”

 

“Anything,” she says easily, mirroring Holtz’s shrug. “You know that right?”

 

“Yeah,” Jillian says nodding and suddenly she looks like she _knows_.

 

And she looks like the person Erin wants to spend the rest of her life with.

 

But neither one of them says anything so she just rolls off the edge of the door frame, collecting a handful of things to put in the bathroom and Erin sighs when she hears the door click behind her.

 

She's in there long enough for Erin to get distracted pulling them something quick for dinner so when Holtz does come out of the bathroom Erin's entirely unprepared for what she sees.

 

Blonde hair. Long blonde hair.

 

And a flat stomach.

 

And arms.

 

All connected to a blissfully unaware Jillian who's wringing the last bit of water from her hair, walking towards Erin in a sports bra and baggy lounge pants.

 

“Yum,” she says in a muffled voice, her head obscured by her towel. “What's for dinner?”

 

Erin doesn't even have a chance to rearrange her face, and Holtz smirks at the obvious struggle written across Erin's face.

 

“Earth to Erin Gilbert?”

 

Erin doesn't even attempt to save the situation, because Jillian's still smirking at her like she's daring her to try.

 

She actually sets the knife down on the chopping board and looks up at Holtz with her full attention as the blonde looks back with an abject curiosity.

 

“Your hair,” Erin manages to stutter, sounding ridiculously unintelligent.

 

“Yes Erin,” Holtz says smiling like she knows she's playing the game now too. “I've had it for a little while now. You've got some too you know.”

 

Erin scowls and shakes her head in an attempt to clear it but it barely makes a difference because she just looks so...

 

“It's down,” Erin stutters next before she clears her throat.

 

“You've seen my hair down before haven't you?” Holtz says with a curious smile.

 

“Never,” Erin says quickly. “I've never seen it down.”

 

Holtz opens her mouth to reply but Erin beats her to it.

 

“I'd remember. Trust me.”

 

“Huh,” Holtz says, her eyes still watching Erin curiously. “Well now you have. You like?”

 

She winks and it's dangerous.

 

It's laced with everything they're not saying to each other and Erin wants to say _careful_ but she doesn't actually want it to stop.

 

“It's alright,” Erin says shrugging noncommittally.

 

“Alright,” Holtz says reading Erin easily, and Erin can almost see the decision being made in her head to play this hand she's flicking between her fingers.

 

Erin knows she was on her way to the bedroom to put more clothes on but she's obviously changed her mind now, throwing her towel over her shoulder and moving towards Erin standing at the bench.

 

She half perches over Erin's shoulder, not close enough to touch fully but enough that the bare skin of her arm brushes against Erin's and the smell of soft coconut shampoo floods her senses.

 

“Whatcha cooking there?” Holtz asks casually, her breath intentionally close to Erin's ear. “Anything I can help you with?”

 

Erin holds her breath because she'll give herself away in a second if she exhales, shaky and uneven.

 

“Uh-uh,” she says shaking her head. “I've got it all under control.”

 

They're still for a second and Erin can feel a bead of water roll off the end of Jillian's hair and trail down the length of her arm before it slides off the tip of her elbow.

 

She needs to reset, because it's becoming impossible to actually retain normal use of her motor functions.

 

That and all she can think about is warm hands spinning her by the hips and lifting her up on the bench, and she thinks she'd just have to _whisper_ the words and it would happen but she can't.

 

Not yet.

 

“Set the table,” she burbles out in the end, completely unattractively. “You could set the table for us if you want something to do.”

 

“Anything you want,” Holtz says moving away with a wink, brushing her hand across the small of Erin's back as she goes.

 

And that's unlike her, to be so forwardly physical with her flirting.

 

Because the verbal is never ceasing but it's not often they she's so tactile with it.

 

It's pushing it.

 

It's pushing her.

 

Which tells Erin that maybe she's definitely not the only one struggling. That she's not the only one with stakes in the game.

 

She moves away and Erin feels the loss immediately. She can feel her body trying to follow but she balls her hands into fists instead and tries not to watch the curve of Jillian's bare back as she leans across the table to set out a knife and fork.

 

No, Erin thinks as she blows out a carefully tempered breath.

 

She _definitely_ can't do this.

 

  
-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Invested yet?
> 
> x
> 
> Also, I always forget to mention but you're more than welcome to come say hi on tumblr [here](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com/) or send me an email at tiger.lo@outlook.com and we can discuss these fools until the sun rises.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cohabitation has it's complications, and the girls get called to a bust that doesn't go according to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note to say thank you all so much for reading, the comments and response to this have been amazing. You're all amazing.
> 
> Also, I know some of you are getting a little impatient and want more sooner. Please know that I am trying to get this up as quickly as I can, but real life exists too! Bear with me, ok? 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> x

-

 

Erin half hopes the constant presence will act as some sort of regulation medium, that if she spends enough time in Jillian’s company the effect of her will begin to lessen, but it doesn't.

 

It makes it worse.

 

And then she hopes that she'll actually turn out to be a nightmare house guest and drive Erin to the point of madness, but she doesn't do that either.

 

She's perfect.

 

She's polite and quiet and she cooks Erin dinner and she helps with the cleaning and she's conscientious.

 

And Erin had thought she might have gotten sick of the constant company, but she loves it.

 

Because Jillian settles so easily into her evenings that after a month she can't remember what it was ever like to be alone.

 

She starts seeing him less, the excuses coming to her lips with an ease that she should feel guilty about, but she doesn't.

 

And really, that should be enough of a warning sign to end things but she doesn't want to rock the boat, because they've found such a beautiful balance now.

 

Jillian starts their new living arrangements by being away two nights a week, maybe three, and it's not like Erin's counting or anything but this time she's had Holtz at home every night for almost two weeks now.

 

And it's enough that Erin starts to think about maybe saying something, about finally making a move but then someone throws a rock at the chessboard they've been playing so delicately and everything goes to hell.

 

It's a Friday night and Erin's curled up on the couch reading over a few academic papers some old fellows have asked her to review, and Jillian's in the kitchen cooking them dinner when there's a knock at the door.

 

Erin looks up to Jillian who shrugs, looking equally confused.

 

“Are you expecting anyone?” She asks Erin before Erin shakes her head in response.

 

Holtz wipes her hands on Erin's apron she's taken to wearing while she cooks because ‘you can't cook with a bare stomach Jillian, you're making me anxious’ before she moves towards the door.

 

She opens it to a smart looking gentleman in a crisp white shirt holding a bunch of flowers as he looks at Jillian and then over her shoulder.

 

“Oh hey dude,” Holtz says, and it's cheery enough but Erin can just hear the hint of disappointment in her voice. “Come on in, your lady's on the couch.”

 

Erin stands, feeling a little flustered as he walks over and deposits the flowers into her hands.

 

“I hope you don't mind me just dropping by. I just felt like I've hardly seen you lately and I saw these on the way to the subway,” he says gesturing to the flowers. “I know you like daisies.”

 

And Erin could laugh at the comedic ridiculousness of it all because sitting in a vase on their dining table is an almost identical, albeit slightly larger, bunch of the same pretty white flower that Jillian had brought her home yesterday afternoon.

 

“Great minds huh,” Holtz says laughing as she looks between the two bunches. “Here, let me put those in some water while you guys chat.”

 

They take a seat on the couch as Jillian moves around behind them, opening cupboard doors before she walks back over to them with her apron in her hand.

 

“Hey, I'm going to leave you lovebirds too it alright? Dinner's almost done, you just need to watch the steak. It's not Michelin star but it'll make for a nice little date night.”

 

Erin's mouth falls open because this isn't what she wants at all, she wants Jillian and her damn thoughtfulness to stay and for him to leave but she's quick and such a good person and Erin's hands are tied behind her back.

 

“You don't have to go,” he says quickly. “I hadn't meant to impose for the evening, I was just dropping by.”

 

“Don't worry about it buddy,” Holtz says easily as she shrugs on a coat. “I've got places to go, people to see.”

 

She winks at Erin on the way out and she's smiling but it falters at the very last second but she's gone before Erin can say another word.

 

She doesn't come home that night.

 

Or the next.

 

It's late Sunday night before Erin sees her again, in spite of several messages back and forward yesterday from Erin to say Jillian didn't need to make herself scarce.

 

She breezes into the room with an armful of groceries that Erin had been meaning to pick up all weekend and her face splits into a smile when she sees Erin, trying to look around the room discreetly as possible to see if they have company.

 

“Hey stranger,” Erin says, standing up to help with the bags.

 

“Hey?” Holtz says, grinning widely. “Good weekend?”

 

“Quiet,” Erin says as they unpack the bags side by side.

 

“All wrapped up in a little love cocoon huh?” Holtz says knocking Erin's hip with her own.

 

“Nah,” Erin says casually. “He left after dinner on Friday.”

 

“Oh,” Holtz says with light frown. “He didn't stay?”

 

“I had a bit of a headache,” Erin says with a shrug.

 

It's a flat out lie, and they both know it because Erin had been completely fine when it had just been the two of them.

 

“Sorry Er. I'd have come home sooner if I'd known you were alone. I just thought you might like some Holtz-free time.”

 

“It's fine Jill,” Erin says turning to her with a soft smile. “You're not my minder.”

 

“You clearly didn't have a quiet weekend though did you?” Erin says raising an eyebrow as she catches sight of a hickey beneath Jillian's scarf.

 

“What do you mean?” Holtz says crinkling her nose on confusion.

 

“This, you sixteen year old,” Erin says as she slides her fingers softly under the edge of the scarf, pulling it back a little.

 

It's minuscule, the stab of jealousy that thumps dully in the pit of Erin's stomach but it's _there_.

 

“Oh god,” she says flushing deeply as she swats Erin's hand away.

 

And that's new too, Erin thinks with a frown of her own. The embarrassment and the attempt to hide the mark on her neck.

 

Because it's not the first time she's seen a hickey on Jillian's neck before but it's the first time she hasn't worn it with pride and acknowledged it with a cheeky wink.

 

“I’d forgotten,” Jillian says as she slides the scarf back from between Erin's fingers to tie around her neck again. “She was a bit clingy this weekend.”

 

And Erin wants to say something because a veil has settled between them now but she's not sure what.

 

She settles for action instead, reaching to tie the scarf back on place when Holtz's fingers slip over it in an uncharacteristic awkwardness.

 

“Here,” she says, smiling to Holtz's frown. “Let me.”

 

The blonde freezes for a moment and Erin thinks she feels her shiver run down Jillian's back as her fingers brush over the sensitive skin, maybe a hitch in her breath too but she can't be sure.

 

“You guys are going ok though?” Erin asks and it's double-edged, the question.

 

Because truly, she does wants Jillian to be happy but she can't lie to herself and say that it wouldn't be the smallest bit satisfying or mind easing to know they weren't rock solid.

 

She's taking her time tying the knot and they both know it but Holtz doesn't seem to mind either.

 

“You know,” Holtz says shrugging. “It's not like we're going to rush off and move in together or get hitched but it's ok. For now, anyway.”

 

“What about long term?” Erin asks and again a big part of her is genuinely curious because as much as she tries she just can't imagine Jillian actually marrying anyone.

 

“What do you mean?” Holtz asks, turning under Erin's delicate ministrations.

 

“Do you think you'll ever get married?” Erin asks gently.

 

“I dunno,” she says shrugging again. “I never used to see myself as the marrying type.”

 

“But now?”

 

“Maybe,” Holtz says, looking anywhere but at Erin. “If the right person was interested.”

 

“I think you'd make someone an amazing wife,” Erin says as she knots the scarf finally. “Any woman would be lucky to have you.”

 

“Really?” Holtz asks finally looking at Erin.

 

“Of course,” Erin says with a frown. “You don't think so?”

 

“Dunno, I guess I never saw myself as marriage material. Who'd want to marry someone covered in soot and the smell of soldering every day.”

 

“I can think of far worse things,” Erin says with a soft smile. “I'd marry you.”

 

It slips out before she can claw it back and she almost claps her hand over her mouth because she'd been thinking it but she hadn't meant to say it out loud.

 

“You would?” Holtz says with a raised eyebrow.

 

She could just let it go, shake it off and make a joke but to do that feels like a disservice to the bond that exists between them now and it's _dangerous_ but Erin smiles anyway.

 

“Of course I would. Good cook, good-looking, tidy housemate. What else could a girl want?”

 

She can see Holtz sort of stall, her body stock-still and at a complete loss for what to do or say next.

 

She's quick though, and she recovers faster than Erin does when Holtz trips her up.

 

“Erin Gilbert thinks I'm good looking. My life is complete. I've been told I'm good with my hands too,” Holtz says, angling her body towards Erin.

 

It's become a dance, this tightrope that they walk so delicately together and apparently Erin's not the only one who can resist dipping her toe off the edge.

 

“Is that so?” Erin asks innocently. “Good at cutting vegetables, huh? Or stripping wire?”

 

“Good at stripping other things too,” Holtz says and she's closer than Erin had realised because her breath whispers over Erin's bottom lip as she speaks.

 

It's vaguely minty and a little cold and Erin bites her own lip and doesn't at all imagine it's Jillian's she's biting instead.

 

And there must be _something_ to it because Holtz's eyes haven't left Erin's lips in about a minute either.

 

If Erin took one tiny step they'd just about be touching and the room has fallen silent around them and Holtz bites her lip now too and Erin just wants to touch so badly.

 

It's cracking down the edges, her delicately bound self control, and she's about a second away from dashing it against the wall and breaking it herself when their phones both buzz somewhere on the kitchen table next to them.

 

They jump apart like they've both been scalded and Holtz recovers first, smiling a small slightly sheepish grin at Erin as she picks her phone up.

 

“Damn,” Holtz says swearing under her breath. “I was looking forward to whatever you were going to make me for dinner.”

 

“Excuse you,” Erin says giving her a light shove.

 

“What?” Jillian says with a hint of teasing lapping at the edges of her voice. “You owe me one. I slaved over that steak on Friday and I didn't get a bite of it.”

 

“You're right,” Erin says a little regretfully.

 

And she's struck suddenly with the picture of what it would have been like for Jillian to take his place, to hold smaller hands under the table instead.

 

She shakes it away though because this bust sounds _awful_ and they need to be on their game, and she can't let her wandering eye put anyone, especially Jillian, at risk.

 

“It was damn good too,” Erin says with a smirk of her own.

 

“ _Gilbert_ ,” Holtz moans as she grabs her keys and shrugs her jacket.

 

“Don't worry Jill,” Erin says sliding her arm around the blonde's shoulders as they walk out the door. “I'll buy you dinner on the way home.”

 

“You'd better” Holtz says with a frown. “I want dessert too.”

 

 

-

 

 

They don't make it to dinner.

 

They make it to the hospital instead.

 

 

-

 

 

The bust is a disaster.

 

The ghosts are viscous and organised and they set to destroying their equipment and the containment unit almost immediately.

 

“What is your problem asshole?” Jillian yells at one, a middle aged man in a ruffled tux circa the late eighties. “You guys have a quota on destroying my stuff?”

 

There are four of them, all dressed in formal wear and they move over and around the bridge they'd driven off the side of and drowned on the way to prom.

 

The big one responds by flying directly at Jillian, snatching another tool off her belt and hurling it into the river beneath them.

 

“Come on,” Holtz yells, aiming a quick shot that glances off his shoulder as he swoops away.

 

Eventually they manage to get three of them into mini containment units Holtz had stored in her equipment bag, but the last one is proving almost impossible to neutralise.

 

They're all exhausted because they've been at this for almost two hours now and the fatigue is starting to affect their concentration.

 

Their reaction times are slowing down and Erin watches as even Jillian, by far the fittest of them all starts to slow too.

 

It turns though, and it looks like they've finally got the last one, a woman wearing the most garish prom dress Erin's ever seen, when she pauses mid-air and is stunned by a device the size of a coin that Holtz throws at her.

 

She's still for a few seconds, and Abby, Patty and Erin focus their beams as Holtz gets the last trap ready when it all goes wrong.

 

She looks to Holtz, and Erin can feel the desperation and maliciousness dripping off her from thirty feet away, is almost struck dumb with it.

 

And then she flies at Holtz.

 

She's quick, and Jillian barely has a chance to get her arms up before the woman collects her around the waist and hurls them both into the water beneath them.

 

Erin moves, her breath stuck in her throat as the others yell around her, straight for the side of the bridge to look in horror at the scene below her.

 

She can't see anything.

 

The water is broken and disturbed and there's a light coming from the ghost but all Erin can see is her damn dress and her eyes can't find Holtz at all.

 

It takes her all of about two seconds before she decides what to do, and Abby's voice cuts harshly through the night air as she watches Erin shrug off her pack.

 

“Don't you dare Erin. Erin, **_no_** ,” Abby yells but they're too far away, and Erin gives them one last look before she throws herself over the edge, diving into the turmoil below.

 

She takes a deep breath before she hits the water below and then everything goes _silent_.

 

She's never been thankful for the luminescence of ghosts before but she is now because while it's almost impossible to see anything, it would be fully impossible without the light being emitted from the woman with her hands around Jillian's neck.

 

They're a few feet away from Erin now and the ghost has one hand at Jillian's throat as the other scratches and claws at Jillian's hands as they struggle to pull her pack off her shoulders.

 

Holtz had made them waterproof a while ago but they're still heavy and it's a weight that's too much to keep afloat against with the struggling ghost on her too, and their combined burden is pulling Holtz deeper and deeper.

 

Jillian's been underwater for thirty seconds without a breath and counting but she looks reasonably calm, like she's trying with a silent intensity not to panic but her eyes widen when she takes in Erin above them.

 

Erin swims down to them, starts pulling at the hem of the ghosts dress which is lightly corporeal thank god, and she spins, face alight with hate when she feels Erin's tug.

 

She turns, shoves Erin heavily in the chest with both hands throwing her back a few feet in the water before she turns back to Jillian.

 

Erin blinks a few times against the murky water and watches as the ghost makes one last desperate swipe at Holtz's neck.

 

She watches as Jillian's eyes close in pain as her nails make contact with her skin and then she does something Erin doesn't expect.

 

She reaches into her pocket, pulls out a little device like the one she'd used above the water and pulls the ghost closer to her.

 

Holtz winds her arms around the ghost’s neck, slapping the little device on its back before everything dissolves into a cloud of bubbles and confusion.

 

The pull for breath is starting to claw at Erin's throat like fire and she moves towards the surface for air, unable as she is to do anything else with visibility so poor.

 

She breaks the surface with a gasp and sees Abby and Patty hanging over the side of the bridge.

 

She doesn't hesitate though, just sucks another deep breath in before she dives beneath the water again.

 

The bubbles are clearer now but it's darker.  The ghost is gone but the small trap at Jillian's wrist glows a faint green and Erin looks to her face expecting to see a smile or something, but she doesn't.

 

Instead, Jillian's eyes are closed and there's too much red leaving her body from the slash marks in her neck and she's not moving at all anymore.

 

Erin moves at once, closing the distance between them before she unclips the pack and drags Holtz up with her.

 

They break the surface again and Abby and Patty are waiting with a rope now, which Erin hastily loops under Jillian's arms before the others pull.

 

“Oh god Abby, look,” Erin hears Patty say quietly once they haul Holtz up and over the edge of the bridge and lower her down into the ground.

 

“She's going to be fine Patty,” Abby says before she pushes Patty back towards the edge to bring Erin up too.

 

It's awkward because her clothes are soaking and they weigh her down but Patty is strong. As soon as she's up she throws herself on the ground next to Holtz, tearing at the fabric of her shirt to press against her wound.

 

Abby kneels over the other side, begins compressions on her chest which suddenly looks so small as Patty walks towards the road to wait for the paramedics they'd called while the two of them had been under water.

 

Jillian's still not breathing and Erin should feel something but she just feels numb, the panic lining her veins like an anesthetic.

 

Erin can see flashing lights behind her now but she doesn't look away from Holtz because the piece of cloth that was grey is now red and she still hasn't taken a breath. She's vaguely aware of paramedics gently pulling both she and Abby away before they take over, and they both sit helpless as they try desperately to bring breathe back into Jillian's lungs.

 

Finally, after what feels like _far_ too long, Abby's hand tightens around her own and Patty's legs move against Erin's back where she'd stood to stop Erin collapsing under her own exhaustion because Jillian's chest rises and she turns, spitting a huge mouthful of water off to the side.

 

She's coughing and spluttering but the medic’s hands are gentle at her shoulders, turning her to help her bring up the rest of the water.

 

“Thank god,” Patty says somewhere above Erin and she just slumps, tears pricking her eyes and squeezing her throat closed.

 

Holtz moves suddenly, her eyes searching madly for something but she stills as soon as she makes eye contact with Erin, sinking back into the arms of the medics.

 

They pull her up into a sitting position and Erin does start crying then because she can't actually stand to walk to the ambulance so they load her onto the gurney instead.

 

“You can follow us in your car,” one of the women says to Patty as they walk Jillian to the ambulance.

 

The other looks between Jillian and Erin and smiles softly.

 

“We can fit one of you in the back with us if you'd like?”

 

Erin looks to Abby, and then to Patty and they both nod a little gravely before Abby pushes Erin gently towards the open vehicle.

 

“Go,” Abby says simply. “We'll see you there.”

 

They walk towards the hearse as Erin follows the others, watching as they carefully load Holtz into the back.

 

One of the EMTs jumps in the front while the other climbs into the back before holding out a hand to pull Erin in after her.

 

She bends over Jillian who seems to be drifting in and out of consciousness, checking on the gauze at her neck and taking a few quick vital signs.

 

She's only an arm's reach away but it may as well be miles because all Erin wants to do is reach across and touch her anywhere but she looks so fragile.

 

“You can hold her hand if you'd like. I don't think anything’s broken although she'll probably be bruised all over tomorrow.”

 

Erin smiles shyly but gratefully and shuffles closer to pick Jillian's hand delicately up in her own.

 

“I think you'll have a bit of a shiner yourself there,” the medic says, gesturing to Erin's face.

 

She turns, looking at her reflection in one of the glass panels to see a gash across the line of her cheek.

 

“I didn't even know that was there,” Erin says surprised, wiping at the cut with a clean gauze pad the medic hands her.

 

“We won't know more until we get to the hospital but I think she was very lucky by all accounts. Was she under the water long?”

 

“I'm not sure,” Erin says, closing her eyes as she attempts to draw the information from her messy mind. “A few minutes I think, in total.”

 

“Like I said,” the medic says looking to Erin with a smile. “Lucky.”

 

  
-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drama! I could have ended that as a cliff-hanger but I couldn't be that horrible.
> 
> Enjoy?
> 
> x


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jillian comes home from the hospital, and the stakes are raised tenfold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new week! 
> 
> To celebrate, here - have some more unresolved sexual tension. 
> 
> This one's a nice long chapter so I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> x

-

 

 

They don't talk for the rest of the of the ride although Holtz's eyes flutter open and closed a few times, her hand squeezing gently around Erin's and it's just enough to assuage the ocean of panic and worry bubbling in her chest.

 

They arrive, finally, and Holtz is immediately wheeled off for examination as the medics take Erin to meet the others in the waiting room.

 

She shouldn't feel anything because really, she has absolutely no place to but Erin's heart thumps dully and emptily in her chest when her eyes find _her_ waiting with Abby and Patty, her knee bouncing nervously as she wrings her hands together.

 

They all jump up as soon as Erin walks into the room, looking to her for information.

 

The medic steps in front of Erin, waving them back and explaining as much as they know before leaving Erin with a soft hand on her shoulder by way of farewell.

 

They sit in silence, Abby and Patty evidently having explained the situation prior to Erin's arrival and it's at least an hour before someone finally comes to update them.

 

She's fine, the doctor says quickly as soon as he walks into the room. A few scratches alongside the injury to her neck and a sore chest thanks to the draining of her lungs, but no long lasting damage beyond immediate exhaustion and general bruising.

 

They all breathe a collective sigh of relief as the doctor tells them they'll all be able to come and see her shortly, as soon as they're done patching her up.

 

Erin stays standing as the others sit, her clothing now uncomfortably wet and cold and she picks at her nails, catching Abby's worried glances every few minutes or so.

 

Eventually a nurse comes to get them all, a dry pair of scrubs in her hands for Erin to change into before she leads them to Holtz's room.

 

She looks a little better thank goodness, but not by much.

 

The cold of the river water had given Jillian a much too deathly looking pallor when they'd pulled her from the water but she's warmer now, scattering a light blush of peach across her cheeks.

 

She's propped up in bed, her hair still slightly damp from the water but tied up, probably courtesy of one of the nurses presumably to allow them to treat the wound at her neck.

 

The bandage is big, and it covers the entirety of one side of her throat, which is good, but Erin can't help but notice the pinpricks of red starting to bleed through already.

 

She smiles weakly at the four of them as they walk in, her eyes immediately finding Erin's before they flick in surprise to their addition.

 

She moves immediately to Holtz's bedside and Erin wants to move forward too, ahead of her, but she digs her nails into her palms instead to keep herself still.

 

“I'm ok,” she hears Jillian say softly as the younger woman bursts into tears upon perching gently at the edge of her bed. “I'm ok, I promise. It's much worse than it looks. The nurse said I'll have to stay in overnight for observation but I should be ok to go home in the morning. They just want to make sure this doesn't get infected.”

 

She looks over to Erin and the others with a slightly panicked look on her face and Erin takes the hint immediately.

 

“Guys, let's give them a minute.”

 

She doesn't want to leave, at all, but she'll never not do something if Jillian asks it of her so she smiles weakly, hopes it looks stronger than it feels and walks out behind Abby and Patty.

 

They stand in silence for a few minutes, Abby's gaze flicking to hers a few times and she doesn't say anything but Erin can feel the questions brewing between them.

 

_She_ comes out wiping at her eyes soon after smiling tearily at them all.

 

“Holtz wants us to go home, I tried to talk her out of it but she's not having any of it. Will you text me when you leave soon, let me know if anything changes?”

 

“Of course,” Patty says smiling kindly. “See you soon.”

 

She gives them one look before she leaves, and Erin knows there's something she's not saying that she wants to but the question never forms, so they all give her a weak wave before turning back to the door.

 

Holtz is sitting up in bed, trying to reach for the cup with a straw hanging out the side of it but she winces when she moves for it and Erin tsks before walking to the side of her bed.

 

“They have call buttons for that you know?”

 

“I know,” Holtz says, looking a little guilty. “It just feels dumb. How can you be thirsty after almost drowning?”

 

And she _knew_ , Erin knew it had been close but to actually hear her speak the words is a different kind of truth and it's almost enough to make her _sob_.

 

“Hey, I'm ok though,” Holtz says squeezing her hand. “Thanks to you, wonder woman. I mean don't get me wrong I'm mad as hell that you put yourself at risk but I'm thankful too. Really really thankful.”

 

She winks at Erin and the room feels a little lighter and her hand is warm in Erin's and it makes the weight shifts from her chest ever so slightly.

 

“Yes Erin,” Abby says sternly. “I thought we'd had the conversation about what happens in scenarios like that.”

 

“I'm a regular rule breaker, me,” Erin says weakly, smiling softly at Abby, and then Holtz.

 

“I don't know about you girl but I need some rest,” Patty says with a deep sigh. “And I reckon you do too. Are you going to be ok here overnight? We’ll come get your skinny white ass in the morning once you're discharged.”

 

“I've got all the company I need in the outstanding personality of Night Nurse Joy,” Holtz says saluting Patty. “You guys go home. I'll see you tomorrow.”

 

Abby nods carefully before walking over to take Holtz's other hand.

 

“I'm glad you're ok. Don't do anything like that again or I'll kill you myself, alright?”

 

“Rodger Dodger,” Holtz says smiling at Abby before she pokes her tongue out at Patty. “Get out of here.”

 

“Oh, Er,” Holtz says as an afterthought. “Can I keep you for two shakes?”

 

Erin still hasn't moved a muscle so it's fine and the others both turn at the sound of Holtz's voice with questions on their faces.

 

“I'll get a cab soon,” Erin says to Abby and she's begging, _imploring_ with every fibre stretched out between her and Abby for her to leave it, just this once, and save the questions for tomorrow.

 

She just nods and Patty's eyes meet hers briefly too before they leave, and Erin can turn back to Holtz without having to mask her expression.

 

“If you were well enough I'd hit you, you know that right?” Erin says with a frown.

 

“Ditto buttercup, I'm not impressed with that little display of self-endangerment on your part either,” Holtz says and the words sound stern but she's smiling.

 

“Like you wouldn't have done exactly the same thing,” Erin says scoffing as she picks up Jillian's chart on the table next to them.

 

There's something on the top that surprises her and she looks to Holtz with a frown.

 

“Discharge papers?”

 

“Yeah,” Holtz says a little guiltily. “They've said ideally I'd stay but the Doctor could tell I was chomping at the bit to leave. And there isn't anything else they can do for me here that I can't do at home. It's why I asked you to stay. Will you take me back to our place?”

 

“But….” Erin asks confused. “What about….?”

 

_(What about your girlfriend and what about our friends and what about this fragile balance we've struck between ourselves.)_

 

“Later,” Holtz says. “Please. I'm sore and cold and grumpy, and I want to be at home with no one fussing. Is that ok? Because I can stay if I'll be a burden.”

 

“Don't be stupid,” Erin says quickly and she smiles, a true smile and her heart sings traitorously because it shouldn't be so happy that Jillian chose _her_ but it is.

 

“They've said I can go home in the scrubs,” Jillian says as she pulls herself gingerly up into a higher sitting position. “I think I'll need help getting to the cab though, if that's ok?”

 

“Are you sure you're actually ok to leave Jill, because I can stay here with you or….”

 

“I hate hospitals Er,” she says wincing. “I just want to go home.”

 

“Of course,” Erin says quickly, helping Jillian up and out of bed.

 

It's a slow walk to the cab but they get there in the end, a bag full of antibiotics and painkillers and dressings saddled between them in the car.

 

They're home before they know it and Erin has Holtz set gingerly on the edge of the couch as she organises her room.

 

“Er,” Jillian calls from the lounge. “I know this is asking for more beyond your regular friendship call of duty and it's the middle of the night but I feel disgusting, and they wouldn't let me shower at the hospital.”

 

Her brain sort of short-circuits for a second, and she's trying to put two and two together and articulate a response to what she thinks Holtz is asking but all she can come up with is Jillian.

 

And naked.  

 

And shower.

 

“If it's an issue I can do it myself,” Holtz says quickly, misreading Erin's hesitation as reluctance.

 

“No,” Erin says shaking her head quickly. “No, it's fine. I just got lost for a second.”

 

“Thank god,” Holtz says with a half gasp-half laugh. “Because I have no idea how I was going to do that alone. My arms feel like they weigh a ton.”

 

Erin walks over to Holtz, sliding her arm around her waist as they walk to the bathroom together.

“Ha,” Holtz says laughing when she sees them in the mirror. “Nice threads Gilbert. I didn't realise we were matching.”

 

“Well as much as I like the smell of river water it was a bit cold after the first hour,” Erin says smiling wryly at Holtz as she looks at their matching hospital issue outfits.

 

“I think I can actually do the showering myself,” Holtz says as Erin turns the water on. “I just need you close by. Just in case.”

 

Erin helps pull the borrowed clothes off Jillian's slightly shaky form and then they're both just standing there, Erin fully clothed and Jillian in a sports bra and plain black cotton underwear.

 

“Can you….?” Erin trails off, gesturing to Jillian's bra.

 

“If it was a regular one I'd say yes but I don't know how I'm going to get this over my head,” Holtz says a little sheepishly.

 

“It's ok,” Erin says softly and she's transfixed by the sight in front of her.

 

She sees Jillian everyday, but only rarely does she allow herself to _see_ her and when she does Erin remembers how beautiful she is.

 

Her stomach is flat and her arms are toned and she looks youthful and gorgeous and Erin just wants to **touch**.

 

She doesn't ask permission, because Jillian's already given it and her heart starts beating like a war drum in her chest when she lifts her hands to slide beneath the edge of the sports bra.

 

“If I close my eyes can you kind of slip out of it?” Erin asks as her eyes meet Jillian's.

 

She sweeps her thumbs out at the same time, smoothes them over her ribs and Holtz shivers as she nods.

 

“I don't care if you look,” Holtz says, her eyes a little glassy.

 

Erin knows it's probably the pain meds and the pain but she seems incredibly lucid and not at all like someone who doesn't know what she's saying.

 

“I mean, you've basically seen it all before anyway,” Holtz says quickly. “And it's _you_ so it's ok….if you do.”

 

Erin settles for meeting her eyes instead, and it's a horrible idea because it's so much more intense but her hands slide up Jillian's sides as her eyes count the shades of blue in Holtz’s and then the bra is high enough that Holtz can bend a little and slip out of it.

 

She doesn't look down but she does look across into the mirror and she sees the expanse of Jillian's back, all pale skin and knots of muscles around her shoulders and she gulps hard as her eyes come back to Jillian's.

 

“Can you do the rest?” Erin asks, her voice ringing lower than she'd expected.

 

“I'm pretty adept at removing that particular piece of clothing no matter the situation,” Holtz says with a wink. “Do you think you could wait just outside though?”

 

“Of course,” Erin says nodding and it's taking every single ounce of self-control she has not to look anywhere else but straight ahead.

 

Neither of them moves for a second and then Erin remembers that she actually has to leave.

 

“Right,” she says flushing a deep pink. “I'll be just outside.”

 

“Hey Er,” Holtz says just as Erin closes the door behind her. “Thank you.”

 

Her eyes are crinkled in something, pain or fear or relief and Erin returns it with the warmest smile she can pull from her bones.

 

“Anytime Jill. You know that.”

 

She pulls the door shut with a quiet click and hears Holtz move under the stream of water and she leans against the door, sliding down to the ground.

 

Truth be told she's about five minutes away from a death slumber herself but she needs to know Holtz is safe in bed before her body can rest properly.

 

The noise starts faint and she actually worries that she's fallen asleep because it sounds like a dream and it takes her a minute but she realises it's Holtz.

 

Singing.

 

Because _of course_ she sings in the shower.

 

It's soft and her voice is melodic and beautiful and Erin thinks it sounds a like an old Dolly Parton song her parents used to play when she was little through the weight of the door.

 

Erin leans her head back and it's perfect actually because it's lovely to listen too, but it's more than that.

 

It means she's alive.

 

Jillian is alive and fine and ok enough to sing in the goddamn shower and she's going to be ok.

 

“Er,” she hears Holtz call out from behind her.

 

She spins, cracking the door quickly in case something's wrong but Holtz just looks at her from a room full of steam, heavy enough to obscure her body, with a smile.

 

“I'm done. Can you hand me a towel?”

 

Erin stands, their eyes locked together as she holds the towel for Jillian to step into.

 

Her hair is down around her shoulders and her cheeks are flushed and Erin thinks, for possible the first time in their entire relationship, that she looks a little shy.

 

“Ok?” Erin asks as Holtz tucks the towel between her breasts.

 

“I'm in a bit of pain but I'm ok,” Holtz says honestly and there's a slight wince behind her eyes now. “I think I just need to go to bed.”

 

Erin leads her to her room and pulls out a loose tee and some pj shorts for bed, helping Holtz under the covers before she fetches more painkillers from the kitchen.

 

She waits as Holtz takes them before flicking the lights off and she's about to leave her to sleep when Jillian's quiet voice finds her in the dark.

 

“Do you think you could stay? It's fine if you're not comfortable or if you want your own space but I just feel a little….I think I need you. Is that ok?”

 

Erin can just make out her expression in the dark and she can see that it's absolutely killing her to ask because she knows it's as close as they've come to crossing the line but that only tells Erin how much she _needs_ it.

 

“I'm sorry,” she says the next second, shaking her head. “Don't worry Er, I'll be fine.”

 

“Don't be silly,” Erin says shaking her head. “Will you be ok while I have a quick shower too?”

 

Holtz nods, and she's trying to tamper down the smile but Erin can hear how relieved she is in the pulse that sings between them.

 

Erin gives her one last smile before she turns, peeling the borrowed clothes from her body on her way to the bathroom.

 

She feels disgusting, her underwear cold against her skin so the sigh that slips from her mouth when the almost scalding water hits her body is about a degree off a moan.

 

She showers quickly, washing her hair twice before scrubbing at her skin with the vanilla body wash they both share and it's only a few minutes before she's standing at the foot of Jillian's bed, wet hair up in a bun away from her face wearing one of Holtz's old band tees.

 

“That's mine,” Holtz grumbles from her propped position in bed.

 

“And whose t-shirt do you think you're wearing?” Erin says with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Can't help it if your perfume speaks to me on an intimate level, Gilbert.”

 

“God, you're such a romantic,” Erin says scoffing as she walks around to her side of the bed.

 

She does a once-over around the room, surprised every time at how tidy and not-Jillian it is.

 

The decor is simple and her linen is plain, charcoal grey duvet with light grey sheets and little else in the room beyond her chest of drawers with a few bits and pieces scattered across the top.

 

“You know I always thought your room would be messier,” Erin says with a smile as Jillian throws back her side of the duvet after a seconds hesitation from Erin.

 

“Most people do,” Holtz says with a grin. “I don't know, I work in chaos so I think it helps my mind to have somewhere quiet to sleep, you know?”

 

“It's still very you, if that helps?” Erin says as she slides down into bed, rolling on her side to face Jillian who's gingerly removing the pillows so she can lay flat too.

 

“You think so?”

 

“Yeah,” Erin says as she inhales the smell of clean linen and Holtz's shampoo and she faint scent of lingering perfumes on their shirts.

 

“Erin?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I think I almost died today.”

 

“I think you did too,” Erin says, and her eyes are wide open because she needs to see Jillian as she speaks, needs to know she's ok.

 

“Thank you for saving me. And for bringing me home. And for staying.”

 

Erin doesn't say anything because Jillian knows that she'd do it all again in a heartbeat, without a moment's hesitation so she finds Jillian's hands beneath the blanket instead.

 

It's the first time they've done this, shared a bed. They've fallen asleep on the couch before but nothing this intimate, and Erin knows it should feel wrong but it doesn't.

 

It feels like _home_.

 

Like freshly laundered sheets and the sunrise on a spring morning and the solid steady pulse beneath her fingers.

 

She leans forward ever so slightly because they're close enough together as it is, and she feels Jillian's breath still as her eyes watch Erin's lips in the darkness.

 

“Jill, I….” she trails off because she doesn't actually know what she wants to say.

 

Can I kiss you maybe?

 

Or can I have you instead of him?

 

Or am I allowed to fall in love with you yet?

 

But she doesn't say anything, instead she just stills, because she doesn't want to put Jillian in a shittier position than she already has because she has someone too.

 

She stops moving but it doesn't matter because Jillian closes the distance between them anyway in the heartbeat that follows.

 

Her lips are soft.

 

They're gentle and hesitant and they're _everything_ Erin had ever imagined.

 

They breathe against each other, a deep inhale that rattles the bed beneath them and Erin's hands move to draw Jillian closer to her by the line of her jaw and then the nape of her neck as one of Jillian's hands settles cautiously over her hip.

 

It's chaste at first, but Erin can feel the desire behind both of them like a bull at a gate and she snaps first.

 

Her tongue slides into Holtz's mouth and the blonde's hands pull Erin over and she slides between Jillian's legs like it's the easiest thing in the world.

 

She's not sure how long they kiss for but it's long enough for Erin to feel breathless and flushed, and she pulls away with a gasp.

 

She looks down and Jillian looks up and the magnitude of what they've just done settles over both of them like a spell.

 

“Jill….”

 

“Don't, please Erin,” Holtz says quickly as her hands knead the flesh over Erin's hips anxiously. “Can we just leave it for tonight? I know it's fucking selfish but I can't talk about it because I don't want you to leave.”

 

“Of course,” Erin says breathily, trying to slow her pulse. “If that's what you want.”

 

“I don't know what I want,” she hears Holtz say very quietly under her breath and she knows that's not true.

 

They both know exactly what they want. That's the problem.

 

She takes a shaky breath beneath Erin and she thinks Holtz might be a step away from crying to she leans down, peppers quick small kisses around her eyes and jaw.

 

“It's going to be ok. Just sleep now, ok? That's all you have to do?”

 

“Promise?”

 

“I promise Jill.”

 

Erin rolls off then but she doesn't go far, lying on her side like she had before, running her index finger softly over the bridge of Holtz's nose.

 

“Close your eyes,” Erin says softly. “I'll be here when you open them.”

 

Holtz takes one last shaky breath but she does as Erin says, and after a few minutes of Erin's soft touch the rise and fall of her chest evens and she falls asleep.

 

And just like that Erin's left with the voice in her head that's yelling at her like her mother used to, telling her it's _wrong_ and she should feel _dreadful_ and _didn't you even stop to think about the other people involved in this mess_ but it's different now.

 

Because she knows she should feel all these things. She should be suffocatingly overwhelmed with guilt, but she's not.

 

She feels awful for _him_ and for _her_ , because they never asked for any of this, but it stops there.

 

She just wishes she knew what the hell to do now.

 

She wishes she could wake Holtz now, profess her feelings on her knees and figure out how the hell they're going to fix this mess they've made for themselves, but she can't.

 

Because Jillian almost died tonight.

 

She needs rest, and not to have to think about whether she wants to break up with her girlfriend to proceed with a relationship with her coworker and roommate and best friend.

 

Erin doesn't even know if Holtz wants that at all.

 

And then she's struck with this horrible feeling of dread.

 

Because what if this is a one-off.

 

What if Holtz decides this is all too hard and she doesn't want Erin the way Erin wants her.

 

What if this is the first and last time she ever gets to kiss her.

 

That's too much so she forces her brain to stop then least she have a panic attack here in Jillian's bed.

 

She dumps a bucket of snow on her red-hot coal of worry and watches as the steam rises and stills.

 

She tries to commit to memory the feeling of Holtz beneath her hands and beside her in bed in case this _is_ the one and only time, and she needs to hold this single memory to her chest for the rest of her life.

 

Holtz turns away from Erin in her sleep then, her back to Erin and she feels the loss of proximity like a blow until Jillian reaches back, dragging Erin’s arm over the curve of her waist.

 

She wriggles back into the warmth of Erin's body and she almost laughs because _of course_ Jillian's the little spoon.

 

Erin closes her eyes then too, breathes in the clean smell of Holtz's hair and falls asleep to dream of soft blonde curls and the colour of the moon at midnight, with the taste of something like love on her tongue.

 

 

-

 

 

She wakes a few hours later to Jillian sitting bolt upright in bed.

 

“Are you ok?” Erin asks groggily, trying to shake the sleep from her head.

 

“Sore,” Holtz grits out. “I'm sore and I can't find the right painkillers.”

 

Erin's up and out of bed a second later, digging quickly through the pile of drugs on Holtz's bedside table, picking out the ones she knows she can take.

 

“Here,” Erin says quietly, prying Jillian's hand away from the bandage at her neck to press the small pile of pills to it. “Try not to touch that, I know it hurts.”

 

She drinks shallowly from the glass Erin hands her next, slumping back against her pillows with her hand screwed in a fist over her eyes.

 

“Hey,” Erin says pulling Holtz's hand away from her face. “Hold my hand. Talk to me until those pills kick in, ok?”

 

“I don't know what to say,” Jillian says weakly. “I can't think straight.”

 

“When can you ever do that?” Erin says with a laugh.

 

“Is that a lesbian joke?” Holtz says, cracking an eye open to look at Erin. “Did you actually just make a lesbian joke?”

 

“Desperate times,” Erin says shrugging as she winds their fingers together. “You don't need to talk, I'll just ask you stuff, ok?”

 

“Ok,” Holtz says squeezing Erin's hand as she hisses quietly in pain.

 

She pauses, not sure of where to go from here just knowing Jillian needs _something_.

 

She settles on something easy, and light.

 

“How old were you when you had your first girlfriend?”

 

“Five,” Holtz says with a smile. “Her name was Katie and she played at the park down the road. I used to pick her flowers.”

 

“God,” Erin says with a proper laugh. “You really are gayer than the day is long, huh?”

 

“Yep,” Holtz says with a nod. “What else you got?”

 

“Um,” Erin says thinking. “What did you think of me when we first met?”

 

“That you looked every inch the bitch Abby always said you were, but you were about a hundred times hotter.”

 

“I don't know whether to be offended or flattered.”

 

“If it's any consolation I revised the bitch appraisal after about three days.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Any reason in particular?”

 

“You shared your food,” Jillian says smiling. “Do you remember? You brought in leftovers and Abby realised I'd only eaten Pringles for three days and told me off and you shared your lunch even though you'd been talking about it all morning.”

 

“Huh,” Erin says, partly to Holtz but mostly to herself.

 

“Nobody's ever been kind to me before, I mean there's Abby of course but that's different. And then you started bringing me a little bit if you had extra, and I know it's probably stupid but that's when I knew you were different.”

 

“I've heard that before,” Erin says with a scoff.

 

“Good different,” Holtz says shaking her head. “Special.”

 

“Really?” Erin asks quietly.

 

“I don't know how you haven't been told it a million times already but yes, really Erin. Definitely.”

 

“I haven't had very many people in my life like you either you know?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I'm glad you came back to yell at us,” Holtz says with a slightly less strained voice.

 

“So am I,” Erin says softly, running her finger over Jillian's knuckles. “You feeling better?”

 

“Yeah,” Holtz says relaxing under Erin's hands. “A lot. Thank you.”

 

“Come on,” Erin says sliding back into bed. “Let's see if we can get a bit more sleep huh?”

 

She's talking to the darkness though she realises with a smile as she hears the soft sound of Holtz's breath next to her, already asleep.

 

She slides back beside Jillian, moving towards her warmth with no hesitation this time, and the moon sings them both through to the dawn.

 

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are we all doing? Enjoying? 
> 
> x


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The soft light of day forces Erin and Jillian to make a choice. For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a couple of chapters where it might feel a little bit heart-heavy and this is one of them but I promise that: 
> 
> a. their ill-fated attempts to keep a distance (physical, emotional or romantic) don't last long 
> 
> and 
> 
> b. there's enough light stuff to try and balance it out
> 
> So for example, for every slightly heavy conversation E & J have, Erin has a nice one with Abby.
> 
> Anyway, read on and you'll see for yourself.
> 
> x

-

 

Erin wakes all of a sudden, opening her eyes to find a pair of baby blues looking curiously back at her. 

“Hi,” she grumbles sleepily. 

 

“Hi yourself,” Jillian replies sounding a little less croaky but not by much. 

 

“How are you feeling?” Erin asks as she rubs at her eyes. 

 

“Like shit,” Holtz says honestly. 

 

“Good,” Erin says as she takes a deep, rib stretching breath. “I thought I was going to have to battle you to stay home today.”

 

“We can't even go in for a little bit?” Holtz says frowning. 

 

“No,” Erin says with a sleepy sternness. “You can boss me around all day instead, how about that?”

 

“Like my slave?” Holtz asks perking up a little. 

 

“If that's what does it for you?” Erin says shrugging as she pulls the blanket up over her shoulder. 

 

Her arm brushes Jillian's thigh on the way past, and it's only then that she realises how close they are again. 

 

She stills as their eyes meet, and she  _ really _ doesn't want to do this but she knows they have to. 

 

“Jill, about last night.”

 

“Not yet,” Holtz says wincing. “Please Er. We can talk about it later today, but I just want to enjoy….I just want to rest for now. Is that ok?”

 

Erin nods half in relief and half in disappointment and Holtz gives her a soft smile that she feels splay its hands out over her chest. 

 

“Do you want to get up?” Erin asks as she sits up on her elbow, looking out the window. It's a grey day today. No raining, but the perfect weather for a day spent in bed. 

 

“Can we stay here for a little bit? I think I could probably doze for a bit longer if you don't mind staying?”

 

“Me too,” Erin says yawning deeply. “I'm so exhausted.”

 

“Sorry,” Holtz says a little guiltily. 

 

“Oh yeah, it's your fault you were almost killed and had to be rushed to hospital,” Erin says with a scoff. “Hang on, I'll just let Abby know we're home and we won't be in today. They'll probably want to come see you later but I'll put them off until this afternoon, ok?”

 

“Thanks Er,” Holtz says as she closes her eyes again. “You'll wake me if you need me?”

 

“Of course,” Erin says brushing a strand of Jillian's hair behind her ear. “Go back to sleep Jill.”

 

Erin sits up, pulling her phone out from under her pillow. She sends a quick message off to Abby letting them they're both home safe before she settles back next to Holtz. 

 

It's incredible, how easy this is to be in bed with her like this. It's never been this seamless with anyone else, even him now. 

 

Jillian's warmth is a balm to her soul, and as soon as she sees Abby's reply come through letting her know they'll be round later today she closes her eyes again and drifts. 

 

 

-

 

 

It's midday when she wakes properly. 

 

Jillian is thankfully still fast asleep next to her, and she's glad in more ways than one because it gives her time to collect her thoughts before they talk. 

 

Honestly, she doesn't know what she wants to do. 

 

Or rather, she does. And that's the problem. 

 

She lies there, dares to dream about how life would be if they got to wake up this everyday, and it's beautiful. 

 

But Erin's not naive, she knows it's not as easy as that. 

 

Because there are other people in the equation now too, and while she's confident she can sever her ties with little effect, she's not so sure Jillian can do the same. 

 

If that's even what she wants, that is. 

 

Her options then are to lie, pretend that last night was a mistake and go back to the easy, fake life she's living now, or to tell the truth and  _ stay _ . 

 

She lays there for hours listening to the wind whistle outside and the soft ruffle of the blankets as Jillian breathes steadily beside her, and eventually she settles on something somewhere near the middle. 

 

Because the last twenty four hours have reminded her that life is too fucking short not to take the things that make her happy with both hands, but she won't push, not if Jillian isn't  _ sure _ . 

 

Because at the end of all of this all she wants, beyond her own and anyone else's happiness, is Jillian's. 

 

She gets up a little while later, has a shower and changes into another set of comfy clothes before she slides back into bed, waiting for Holtz to wake. 

 

She's sitting up in bed with a book an hour or so later when the blonde finally rises. 

 

“Hey,” Holtz says blearily. “What time is it?” 

 

“Hi,” Erin says softly. “A little after two. How are you feeling?”

 

“You should have woken me,” Holtz says, pushing herself up with a wince. “I'm sorry, you must be bored stiff.”

 

“Your body needs rest Jill,” Erin says as she puts her book down. “It's good. And it's been nice, actually. I haven't spent the day in bed in years.”

 

“Oh, that's good then,” Holtz says looking a little less guilty. 

 

They move to the couch a little while later and Holtz looks at Erin once she's finished fussing about painkillers and something to eat. 

 

“So,” Holtz says wringing her hands together. “I guess we should talk about….”

 

“Yeah,” Erin says, her hands closing tighter around the cup of tea in her hands. “I think we should.”

 

They're quiet for a few minutes and Erin wants to say something but she doesn't actually know where to start. 

 

Jillian takes the burden from her though, clearing her throat as Erin sets her mug down on the table. 

 

“What did it mean?” Holtz asks simply, finally meeting Erin's eyes. 

 

It's simple, but it's the hardest question she could have asked and Erin's not sure what to say. 

 

“What did you want it to mean?” Erin asks carefully, because this is the crux of it really. 

 

“I don't know Er,” Holtz says exasperated, waving her hands in her lap. “I don't fucking know. I know I made a commitment to someone else though.”

 

Oh. 

 

There it is. 

 

“What do you want it to mean?” She asks Erin, her eyes strained. 

 

“I don't know either,” Erin says honestly. “I know that I liked it though. And I've been thinking about it for a long time.”

 

“So did I. And so have I. God, I'm a terrible person.”

 

“Come on Jill, you know you're not,” Erin says reaching to take her hand. “You're human. We both are. And to that point if you're a terrible person, so am I.”

 

“You could never be a terrible person Er,” Holtz says softly, her eyes fixed on their joint hands in her lap. 

 

“I just, I don't know what to do. I don't bow out when I've made a commitment to someone though. God, I wish I'd never said yes to begin with.”

 

“To her?” Erin asks quietly. “Or me.”

 

“Her, Erin. I could never regret you. Ever.”

 

Erin feels the relief in that settle against her like a cold glass of water in a heat wave, sighing heavily before she continues. 

 

“So what do we do then?” Erin asks, although she thinks she knows what the answer will be. 

 

“I don't know,” Erin says honestly. 

 

“Don't you feel the same? Like you owe him something?” Holtz asks quietly. 

 

“Honestly?” Erin says with a wince. “No. I don't think so.”

 

“This is such a fucking mess,” Holtz says wiping her hands roughly over her face. 

 

“Look, I don't want to put any pressure on you Jill. At all, ok? If this is too hard then we leave it. It can be just a one-time thing.”

 

“Is that what you want?” Holtz asks with a frown. 

 

No. 

 

“What I want is for you to be happy, that's it.”

 

Erin can tell this is killing her, she can feel the regret and guilt and uncertainty rolling off Holtz in waves. 

 

Because she's a good person, much  _ much _ better than Erin is, and her ironclad honour is buckling under the weight of the decision hanging over them both. 

 

And she wants so desperately to take that pain away because this is the one thing Erin had wanted to avoid at all costs. 

 

So she makes a decision for them. For Jillian. For now. 

 

Because her armour is full of dents and she wants Jillian's to  _ shine _ , not  **dull.**

 

“Jill, if this is too hard let's just stop. Ok? It doesn't have to mean anything. It can be a one-time slip.”

 

Holtz takes a deep shuddering breath beside her and Erin knows the decision has been made. 

 

She feels her heart crack just a bit, because she wants Jillian to be happy yes, but a small part of her had hoped Jillian would put up a fight. 

 

For her. 

 

For  _ them _ . 

 

But she doesn't. 

 

And Erin understands. 

 

Because Jillian Holtzmann is a good person, and for better or for worse she is crippled by her own sense of loyalty. 

 

“I'm sorry Er,” she says finally. “I never should have kissed you.”

 

She can feel the heaviness behind Jillian's words and she knows it's more than a simple regret for their one action, that it goes much deeper, because she feels it too. 

 

Regret that they didn't act on this earlier when there wasn't anyone else to hurt. Or anyone else to get in the way. 

 

“It takes two to tango Jill. And I think it would have happened sooner or later,” Erin says with a soft laugh, playing with Jillian's hand in hers. “I suppose it's good we got it over and done with now.”

 

“I can move out,” Holtz says quietly. “If you want me to, I understand if you don't want me to stay.”

 

“Don't be stupid,” Erin says quickly. “You're my best friend. And I think I'm mature enough to deal with my feelings without letting them affect that.”

 

“If you're sure?” 

 

“I'm sure.”

 

And she is. 

 

Because she'd rather have half of Jillian than none at all. 

 

It kills her though because she wants to know everything. Like how long have you felt like this, and what did you think was going to happen, and  _ do you dream about me like I dream about you _ but she doesn't. 

 

Because she can't. 

 

Not when this is Jillian's decision. 

 

So she leaves it and they settle into a thoughtful silence, both consumed by their own thoughts. 

 

Abby and Patty turn up an hour or so later with dinner which she and Erin only pick at, both still stuck in their heads, and it's enough that Patty picks up on it eventually. 

 

“Yo are you two alright? Cause I don't think I've ever seen you go half-pace at wontons before Holtzy. Did something happen you're not telling us about?”

 

Abby looks to Erin then, putting two and two together in her head before she looks between them and sees the strain, however fine it is. 

 

“We're fine Patty-cakes,” Holtz says answering for them. “Just beat. Getting your ass kicked underwater takes it out of you, ya know?”

 

“Well you take it easy alright, no active duty until we think you're up to it.”

 

“Mooom,” Holtz mock whinges before smiling back.

 

They settle back into more comfortable territory after that, Abby and Patty filling them in on the successful transfers to the larger containment unit back at the lab as Erin potters around them cleaning up. 

 

“Has Miss Thing been to see you yet, girl?”

 

“Not yet,” Holtz says shaking her head. “I'm not really up to visitors. No offence but you guys don't count.” 

 

“Well you might consider sending her a message back seeing as she's sent me about fifteen of the damn things this morning,” Abby says with a frown. 

 

They leave after a few episodes of some crappy show on TV, and Abby takes the opportunity while the other two are on the opposite end of the room to pull Erin aside. 

 

“Are you sure everything's ok with you two?” Abby asks with a concerned look. 

 

There's a heavy pause and Erin's not sure what to do because she doesn't want to stir, to make this any bigger than it already is but she knows Abby will just short of murder her if she doesn't spill soon. 

 

“Tomorrow,” Erin says with an exhausted sigh. “We'll talk tomorrow, ok? Everything's fine it's just….complicated.”

 

Abby looks away, follows Erin's eye line directly to Holtz on the couch with Patty. 

 

“Ok,” Abby says slowly. “You know it's ok, right? Whatever it is. I want you to be able to tell me things Er, like you used to.”

 

“Promise?” Erin says a little shakily. 

 

“Promise,” Abby says taking Erin's hand and squeezing it. 

 

Patty joins the others over by the front door and she and Abby bid Erin and Holtz goodbye, Erin promising to call in the morning. 

 

She flops down on the end of the couch opposite Holtz and she moves to automatically drop her feet into Holtz's lap like she normally does, before she stops mid-movement. 

 

Holtz registers the hesitation for what it is and scowls, pulling Erin's feet into her lap anyway. 

 

“Don't be stupid,” Holtz says with a frown. “Just because we're not going to tear each other's clothes off, doesn't mean we can't touch.”

 

That makes Erin flush in spite of herself because she's struck with a vivid memory of what it had felt like to slip so easily between Jillian's legs in the early hours of the dawn. 

 

Erin looks to her, and she wants to say ‘we're playing with fire and you  **know** it’ but she doesn't. 

 

Because she  _ wants _ this. 

 

No matter what either of them say, she wants this in her bones. 

 

And maybe it makes her an even worse person because she'll take this, the scraps of affection she thinks she can get away, with even though she knows she shouldn't. 

 

She relaxes then, soothed by the soft touch of Jillian's hand at her bare ankle and she's asleep before she can do more than sigh. 

 

 

-

 

 

She vaguely registers movement at some stage during the night, feels someone shift beneath her, pull at her gently but she's too deep in her dream to respond. 

 

She closes her hand around the one at her shoulder and hears a soft chuckle before she feels a blanket over her, and the hand slips away again. 

 

 

-

 

 

Erin comes too early the next morning, waking confused by the lack of bedroom walls around her and she's about to move when she hears movement in the kitchen behind her. 

 

“I'm fine, I promise.”

 

_ A pause.  _

 

“I know I could have called but I just came home and crashed and Erin was here, and it would have been a….”

 

_ A pause.  _

 

“I know you wouldn't have minded. I will next time, ok? Nah, I'm not allowed in the lab today so I'll be at home.”

 

_ A pause.  _

 

“Ah….yeah, sure. I'm just going to be conked out on the couch though.”

 

_ A pause.  _

 

“Ok. That'll be nice. I'll see you a bit later on.”

 

She hears Jillian's phone hit the table with a thud and she squeezes her eyes shut tighter, willing  _ that _ particular ghost away for a moment while she tries to wake peacefully. 

 

She almost jumps out of her skin when she feels Jillian sit down on the end of the couch, placing a coffee in front of her nose. 

 

“Hey sleepyhead. How's the back?”

 

“How'd you know I was awake?” Erin asks looking a little sheepish. 

 

“You snore when you're sleeping,” Jillian says with a smile. “When you're quiet I know you're awake, or about to be.”

 

“I do not,” Erin says horrified. 

 

“Suit yourself,” Holtz says smiling wider as she sips her own cup. 

 

Erin stretches out then, the air popping loudly between the knots in her back as she yawns. 

 

“I tried to move you but you were so out to it,” Holtz says by way of explanation. “And I would have carried you but I didn't know for sure I wasn't going to drop you.”

 

“It's ok,” Erin says smothering a second yawn. “I slept right through anyway. What's on your agenda for the day today?”

 

“Well I'd come into the office but something tells me you won't let that happen, so I guess I'll hang out here. I think I'll have some company later,” Holtz says as an afterthought. “Are you going to head in?”

 

“Yeah,” Erin says pulling herself into a sitting position. “Just to grab a few things I think, and then I might come back after lunch. But I can make myself scarce if you'd prefer?”

 

“God no,” Holtz says quickly. “This is your house Er. We can go if you'd prefer?”

 

“Look,” Erin says, flattening the awkwardness with a look. “This isn't going to happen like that ok? You don't need to hide, just go on like we did before.”

 

“Ok,” Holtz says nodding as she drums what looks like a love letter on her own thigh. 

 

Erin drags herself off to have a shower after draining the cup on the table one desperate gulp. 

 

The exhaustion seems deep set in her bones this time and Erin suspects it's more than just physical fatigue. She thinks back to Abby's offer yesterday and resolves to try and talk to her before coming back home. 

 

She bids Holtz farewell an hour later, the blonde hovering at the door like an abandoned puppy. 

 

“I'll be back in a few hours,” Erin says as she throws her keys in her bag. “With food, even.”

 

“I don't care. Take me with you now,” Holtz whines as Erin struggles against the grip on her forearm. 

 

“ _ Goodbye _ Jillian,” Erin says rolling her eyes as her fingers slip between Jillian's. 

 

It's actually a relief when she gets to the firehouse, dropping her handbag on her desk in the lab upstairs and closing her eyes against the silence of the huge room. 

 

She walks round the space, checking on a few of the machines Holtz does a spot check of every morning before plonking herself down in her desk chair. 

 

She sits there for a while, reading and rereading one of her larger unsolved equations on the whiteboard when Abby comes up the stairs holding two cups of takeaway coffee and a small brown bag. 

 

“Morning tea?” She asks Erin with a small smile. 

 

It's almost enough to make Erin cry because  _ god _ she missed Abby and her occasional thoughtfulness, and she doesn't tell her enough how much it means to have her back. 

 

Abby takes note of the slight quiver in her chin and sits down across from Erin in the chair opposite, the one Jillian normally takes when they have a break during the day. She sight as she pushes the coffee and an enormous chocolate éclair towards Erin. 

 

“These are still your favourite, right?”

 

She nods a little guiltily before pulling the bag towards her, tearing it open and pulling the éclair into two pieces.  

 

“Do you want to tell me what's going on?” Abby asks carefully once Erin's taken a sip of her drink. 

 

“Honestly Abby, I don't even know where to start,” Erin says, her voice wavering already and she digs her nails into her palm because she doesn't want to cry. 

 

“Start from the beginning,” Abby says kindly, swiping a bit of cream from the middle of her half. “When did you start to….?”

 

“When I came back,” Erin says quietly. 

 

“ _ That _ long?” Abby says, her jaw dropping. “Why didn't you say anything sooner. And why on earth did you start seeing….”

 

“I don't know,” Erin says shaking her head. “I was scared maybe. Didn't want to put myself on the line like that?”

 

“Like what?” Abby says with a smirk. “That girl fell over herself for you from the moment you met. What about that made you think she wouldn't be interested if you were?”

 

“I don't know Ab, she flirts with everything that moves,” Erin says with a shrug. “I guess a part of me was worried that was all it was.”

 

“She's different with you and you know it,” Abby says with a straight eye. 

 

There's a pause between them because really, Erin does know this is true. Has done for a while now. 

 

“She waited you know?” Abby says with a wince. “She dated pretty consistently before you came back. And then it stopped. But she waited until after you'd met your guy before she took another girl home.”

 

That does make Erin cry then because how could she have been  _ so _ close and miss  _ everything _ . 

 

Abby moves for Erin's hand then, her face lined with regret. 

 

“I'm sorry Er, there's a reason I hadn't said anything before. I didn't mean to make you upset. I just wanted you to know, in case it's anyway unclear now, that she was  _ very _ interested in you.”

 

Erin takes a sniffly breath before squeezing Abby's hand in return. 

 

“I know that now,” Erin says a little mournfully. 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“We kissed. The night before last. She didn't have to stay in overnight for observation, she just didn't want the fuss of us all leaving together. That's why she asked me to stay, she'd already been discharged.”

 

“Why didn't she ask….?” Abby starts to ask, a little confused. 

 

“I don't know,” Erin says, even though she does. “I didn't want to push, not when I knew she was in pain.”

 

“So you came home and….”

 

“I helped her get ready for bed and….not like that Abby, Jesus,” Erin says scowling as Abby smirks at the insinuation. 

 

“She asked me to stay with her and I did. And then I was thinking about how much I felt for her and how she almost  _ died _ , and it just sort of happened.”

 

Abby doesn't say anything straight away. She's quiet but Erin knows it's not out of judgment. 

 

“How have I fucked this up so badly Abby?” Erin asks after a minute or so. 

 

“Nothing's fucked up beyond repair Er, not when we're all still here.”

 

She takes another sip of coffee as she waits for Abby to finish her thought. 

 

“Have you guys talked about it yet? About what it means?”

 

“Kind of,” Erin says with a shrug. 

 

“Kind of?”

 

“Well we know it was something we both wanted but when I asked Jill what it mean for us, she kind of froze. She's worried about breaking the commitment she made to someone else, and she looked like she was going to cry about two seconds in so I suggested we just drop it. Pass it off as a one-time thing. That calmed her down and I didn't want to push any more, so that was it.”

 

“Is that what you want?” Abby asks curiously. 

 

“No. But I want her to be happy Abby, even if it's not with me.”

 

“Quite the mess you've got yourselves in, huh? Made infinitely more complex by the fact that you  _ live _ together,” Abby says with a sudden laugh as she remembers. “What were you thinking Erin?”

 

“I wasn't,” she says with another shrug, half laughing. “Or I was but….”

 

“What about him?” Abby asks carefully. 

 

“I don't know,” Erin says again. “He's a nice guy but I don't….there's no real connection there. Not from my end at least. He's just easy, you know? The safe option.”

 

“If Holtzmann was an asshole this would all be so much easier, huh?” Abby says with a laugh. 

 

“I know right?” Erin says ruefully. 

 

“Do you think you'll stay, with him I mean?”

 

“I don't know. It's hard when he's not what I know I want, and it's hardly fair on him. I don't think I can have that on my conscience too. But it's nice not to be alone. And maybe that's ok, for now.”

 

They're silent for a minute as Abby mulls over Erin's words, nodding lightly. 

 

“We never should have kissed,” Erin says with a frown. “Holtz said so too.”

 

“Do you really think that?” 

 

She's silent for a moment and she could lie, but there's no point. Not anymore. Not to Abby. 

 

“No,” Erin says honestly. “I've wanted to for a really long time. God, what do I  _ do _ Abby?”

 

“Well if Holtz won't break up with her girl, I don't think there's much you can do Er. Tell her how you feel maybe? So she has all the facts? How  **do** you feel?”

 

She eyes Erin carefully for a moment before narrowing her eyes. 

 

“Is it love?”

 

“I don't know,” Erin says again, and she feels like she doesn't know a fucking thing today. “It could be, I think. If it's not already.”

 

Abby rolls the thought around in her head for a moment before looking to Erin with a sad smile. 

 

“You realise the great irony in all this is that no one's happy now, right?”

 

“But  _ she _ is,” Erin says with a wince. “And I think Holtz is too. If you take me out of the equation.”

 

“Don't you dare,” Abby says quickly, her eyes narrowing. “Don't you dare think about leaving again, alright?” 

 

“I couldn't,” Erin says kindly. “Not now. I could never leave you, or her. Or Patty, or Kevin no matter how deeply inadequate he is at his job. God, how was I ever attracted to him?”

 

“I have no idea,” Abby says laughing. “Hey, it's going to be ok, you know that right? Whatever happens or doesn't happen between you two.”

 

“I know,” Erin says smiling with a warmth she feels in her soul as she takes Abby's hand. “I've got you again.”

 

  
-

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all still with me. The next chapter has significantly more flirting. 
> 
> Promise ;)
> 
> x
> 
> oh, and I have a [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com/) if you're so inclined!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keeping things strictly platonic turns out to be harder than Erin and Jillian initially anticipate...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you're all amazing. Thank you so much for the response so far, it's been incredible.
> 
> Here, have some more not-quite-yet-resolved sexual tension...
> 
> x

-

 

 

Erin drags her feet home, partly to give herself more time to try and figure out exactly what she wants to do, partly because as kind as Holtz's girlfriend is, she's really not overtly excited about spending time with her. 

 

She needn't have worried though, because Holtz is alone when she finally pushes through the door in the late afternoon. 

 

“Hey,” Holtz says, smiling brightly at Erin as she puts her keys down on the bench alongside the bags of takeout. 

 

“Hey yourself,” Erin says smiling back. “How are you feeling?” 

 

“Honestly?” Holtz says throwing an arm over the back of the couch so she can see Erin better. “Fucking awful. I couldn't stand company for very long.”

 

“Do you need something?” Erin asks concerned. 

 

“Nah,” Holtz says shaking her head. “I'm maxed out on painkillers as of twenty minutes ago. I'm starving though.”

 

Erin takes the armfuls of food over, setting them up on the coffee table. She's about to sit back down next to Jillian when her phone rings. 

 

“Hi,” she says trying to sound enthused at the sound of his voice on the other end of the line.

 

She feels Holtz stiffen a little next to her and she makes a move, gesturing to move away but Holtz settles a hand on Erin's thigh signalling her to stay. 

 

He wants to take her out to dinner she learns in the minutes that follow. Really she should, because she's hardly seen him lately, but the thought of leaving Jillian alone is just non-computable. 

 

Because she  _ needs _ her, Erin tells herself. 

 

The excuse is flimsy, but it holds  _ just _ because he knows how tight they are and taking care of one of their own always comes first. 

 

She hangs up with the promise to call and reschedule in a few days time and she turns to Holtz with a smile as she picks up a set of chopsticks. 

 

“You didn't have to do that,” Holtz starts, sounding a little guilty. 

 

“I know,” Erin says easily, shrugging. “I wanted too.” 

 

Holtz smiles, a deep smile that reaches her eyes, and in that moment Erin knows she'd make that decision a million times over if it meant she got to see that look again. 

 

It's a quiet thing, and it probably means nothing in the grand scheme of the universe but it makes Erin's heart trill in her chest all the same. 

 

They tidy up after and they watch a couple of terrible actions movie on TV for a few hours before Holtz starts yawning widely beside her. 

 

“Bed?” Erin asks with an answering yawn of her own. 

 

“I wish,” Holtz says with a wince. “I have to try and change this bandage first.”

 

“I can help?” Erin offers, turning to pull Holtz's hands away from the edge of the gauze. 

 

“I couldn't ask you to do that Er,” Holtz says with a frown. “I think it's going to be gross.”

 

“I don't care,” Erin says neutrally. “Plus, it'll be easier if I do it.”

 

The agreement is begrudging but it comes all the same, and Erin moves away to collect a few things before she comes back to sit next to Jillian on the couch. 

 

The blonde’s hair is tied but it's in a loose bun at the back of her neck so Holtz slides the hair tie onto her wrist before pulling it into a higher ponytail out of the way. 

 

“I like your hair like that,” Erin says absentmindedly as she pulls the neck of Holtz's shirt out of the way too. 

 

“Up?”

 

“On top in a little bun like that,” Erin says by way of clarity. “It looks so different to how you normally wear it.”

 

“I love that too,” Erin says quickly, not wanting to offend. 

 

“Yours would look nice like this too,” Holtz says, looking Erin in the eye as she sweeps a bit of hair behind her ears. “In a top knot I mean. It's not as long but I think I could get it all up.”

 

“You want to try?” Erin asks without thinking, keen to keep Jillian distracted as she peels back the bandage exposing a wound that's  _ so _ much worse than she remembered. 

 

No wonder Holtz feels so awful, Erin thinks as she looks at the four parallel gashes across her neck. 

 

They're not stitched shut, although they almost should be, instead fixed closed with small butterfly stitches instead. 

 

“How's it look?” Holtz asks, wincing as Erin peels the bandage all the way off. 

 

“Uhhh…..” Erin says vaguely, not sure she should say ‘bloody awful, I think it's lucky you still have a throat’. 

 

“Bad?” 

 

“Not wonderful, but lucky for you you've got a brilliant nurse,” Erin says smiling as she applies a little bit of saline solution to clean and salve to soothe quickly after. 

 

“Maybe that was my master plan all along,” Holtz says, her eyes screwed shut in discomfort as Erin finishes applying the new bandage. 

 

“What?” Erin says flatly. “Getting yourself almost killed so I'd take care of you? I'm not that hard Jill, all you had to do was ask. I'd have settled for a scraped knee even.”

 

“ _ Now _ you tell me,” Holtz says dramatically. 

 

“All done,” Erin says softly, pressing lightly on the edge of the bandage to fix it down. “I'm sorry if I hurt you.”

 

“That's it?” Holtz says, opening her eyes in surprise. 

 

“Yep,” Erin says with a flourish. “All mended. Well, not quite but you know.”

 

They're sitting very close, because the occasion  _ had _ called for it, but they don't need to now. 

 

Neither of them make a move to add distance between them at all though, and Erin takes the opportunity to study the lines of Jillian's face. 

 

Her skin is free from makeup today, and she has a little spattering of fine freckles across the bridge of her nose that are normally hidden by foundation and it makes Erin smile. 

 

She looks up, expecting to see a slightly dopey grin on Jillian's face but she doesn't. 

 

It's dark, and heavy, and she looks like she's a  _ second _ away from kissing Erin again. 

 

She wants it,  _ god _ does she want it but they'd agreed, and she knows that Holtz wants this too because she's well in control of herself now, not scattered by painkillers and she's not moving either. 

 

But she wants to respect the decision Jillian made, even if it  **kills** her. 

 

“Jill,” she says quietly, a warming. 

 

“I know,” she whispers back, her breath soft against Erin's lips. 

 

Jillian  _ growls _ , a low sound that rumbles through Erin's entire body and makes every single hair stand on edge before she pushes away softly. 

 

“I'm sorry Er,” she says as she combs her hair with her fingers roughly. “You're just….a pull. On my self control.”

 

“I'll leave,” Erin says quickly, moving away slightly. 

 

“No,” Holtz says quickly, reaching for Erin's wrist. “It's ok now, I'm sorry I just got a little distracted. You smell good.”

 

“I do?” Erin says with a smile. 

 

“Yeah,” Holtz says smiling back. “You always smell good. I love it.”

 

They're further apart now but they're still close enough that Erin could pull Jillian towards her if she wanted, could crash their lips together with one quick movement. 

 

“I mean in a strictly platonic way,” Holtz says correcting herself. “You smell mouthwatering in a very friend-based way.”

 

Erin smiles and it's easier then. The tension between them slackens a little and she takes a deep breath as she settles on the opposite arm of the couch. 

 

Holtz frowns, as if to say what are you doing all the way down there but Erin just smiles as she pulls Jillian's feet into her lap. 

 

It's still close, and they shouldn't be touching at all, not really. Not when they both look ready to tear whatever's between them to pieces with their teeth in an attempt to get at the skin, but it's better than actually  _ kissing _ Erin rationalises. 

 

She massages the muscle around the base of Holtz's calf gently and Holtz groans a little in response. 

 

“Want me to stop?” 

 

“Never,” Holtz says, dropping back against the other arm of the couch and closing her eyes. 

 

She's asleep again in a few minutes and Erin breathes heavily in relief. 

 

Because it feels special like this. 

 

Here, they can exist in a bubble with no one else and Erin can pretend there isn't actually anyone else in the world. 

 

She does mean to move, to shift them to bed. Really, she does. 

 

But they're warm here, and Jillian's legs are a comforting weight on her own and when she closes her eyes for a second, sleep takes her. 

 

 

-

 

 

She wakes some time in the night when Jillian's legs move from her own. 

 

She grumbles to the darkness, still half asleep. She's about to protest, to move to bed when Jillian takes her hand and pulls her sleepily in front of her on the couch into a spooning position. 

 

The couch isn't huge but it is bigger than normal, and there's more than enough room for them to lie as they are, flush against each other front to back. 

 

They really shouldn't be doing this because if a leg massage is almost off-limits then this  _ definitely _ is, but it's dark and she's tired and Jillian is warm and soft and steady at her back, and it's so easy to close her eyes again.  

 

Jillian's arm is draped over the crook of her waist and her fingers intertwine with Erin's and it feels too  _ right _ to ever be wrong. 

 

So Erin breathes. 

 

And sleeps again. 

 

 

-

 

 

They wake up shy in the morning, like they both know they crossed a line but neither of them truly regrets it. 

 

Erin gets ready for the day and begrudgingly agrees to take Holtz into work with her for an hour is so, on the strict proviso that she doesn't actually do any work. 

 

Abby and Patty are ecstatic to see her of course, and they potter for a couple of hours before Erin drags Holtz back out the door. 

 

“If you're feeling less cloudy you can come back tomorrow, but you promised,” Erin says with a frown when Holtz refuses to move. 

 

“But I want to work,” Holtz says with a little whine. 

 

“ _ Jill _ .”

 

“Fine. But I want to pick something terrible to eat on the way home.”

 

Erin agrees because really she'll do anything to get Holtz away from the lab she lives and breathes, and she doesn't at all regret her decision when she sits across from the blonde eating a cream bun, licking the sweet icing from the corner of her mouth later that afternoon. 

 

The rest of the day passes in a pleasant blur of gentle background music while Erin reads through a few academic articles, and Jillian naps on the couch with her. 

 

She's glad they're back at home because Jillian's lack of energy has been more than a little worrying, although she understands a lot better having seen the wound her body is desperately trying to repair. 

 

The next few days follow a similar pattern and by the end of the week Jillian's chomping at the bit to get back to work, regardless of the fact that her injuries are only just now starting to close. 

 

They're both distracted come Thursday evening by the reappearance of both of their respective partners, Erin's arriving to pick her up for a dinner she couldn't put off any longer, and Holtz making room on the couch for her own dinner date in. 

 

It's awkward, and they both move differently around each other in the hour or so before the others arrive. 

 

And it's terrible, but Erin can't stop the jab of jealousy that settles in her belly when  _ she _ arrives and presses an easy kiss to Jillian's cheek. Because she can. 

 

And Erin can't. 

 

They settle down on the couch and Holtz glances over the back of the couch to Erin, looking for her expression or a signal or  _ something _ to tell her what she's feeling. 

 

She manages a smile. It's weak and she knows Holtz will see straight through it, but it's the best she can manage. 

 

The doorbell rings a second later though and she catches the quickest scowl cross Jillian's normally placid face before she turns to open the door. 

 

They leave almost straight away but it's enough to see the way Holtz moves away on the couch, giving herself a little more space than she normally does. 

 

And certainly more than she does with Erin. 

 

She tries not to let that gladden her heart as his hand slips into hers and they walk away. 

 

It doesn't work at all. 

 

 

-

 

 

Dinner is lovely and he invites Erin back to his place which she almost accepts because she  _ really _ doesn't want to spend the night with the two of them in the next room, but he kisses her and it rings so hollow that she just  _ can't _ . 

 

She declines, citing a headache and comes home just as Jillian is seeing her guest out as well, feigning the same thing. 

 

They don't say anything about it, or what happened earlier, and they don't ask each other about their dates beyond simple pleasantries but they do sit much too close on the couch again before they finally give in to sleep and head off to separate bedrooms. 

 

There's a beat when Erin actually thinks Holtz is going to ask her to come with her because she pauses by the door, her hand closing tightly over the frame but she doesn't. Just bites her lips and says a quiet goodnight instead. 

 

She thinks of Jillian when she slides her hand between her legs later in the darkness, and if she listens carefully enough she can  _ swear _ she can hear Jillian doing the same thing in the next room. 

 

 

-

 

 

The following week passes in much the same routine as Holtz slowly returns to something more akin to full health, but she's still far from one hundred percent. 

 

Keeping an eye on the wound becomes Erin's nightly task even when Holtz is more than well enough to do it herself. 

 

Jillian does offer to do it herself, once and weakly because it's the right thing to do but she doesn't mean it, not really, and Erin sees through it easily. 

 

So instead of keeping their distance like they know they should, they move closer. 

 

They dance around each other all week, in the lab once Holtz gets clearance to come back for a few hours each day, in the kitchen when one of them makes  dinner, on the couch in the evenings while they watch TV. 

 

And Erin gets more and more confused. 

 

Because she knows it takes two of them to do this but Jillian doesn't tamper down the flirting, or the touching, instead Erin could almost swear she  _ increases _ it. 

 

And none of it makes sense because it had been her decision to keep the status quo, not Erin's, even if it had been her idea. 

 

The hardest part is that it all just feels so inevitable. 

 

Because on the days where Erin wakes with a spike of guilt against her spine, the ones where she _really_ _tries_ to behave, the universe finds a way to throw them together anyway. 

 

Like today. 

 

Abby and Patty are out at their regular weekly update with the Mayor’s office and Erin and Holtz are upstairs minding their own damn business on opposite sides of the lab when the main light on their floor blows. 

 

It's not really dark because it's the middle of the day but it dulls the room enough that Erin can't see what she's doing without straining her eyes. 

 

“Damn it,” she says under her breath as she drops her pen on the desk. 

 

“You ok over there, Gilbert?” Holtz asks from her side of the room, setting her pliers down too. 

 

“I can't see properly without that, can you?”

 

“It's not too bad,” Holtz says with a cheeky grin. “Younger eyes.”

 

“Fuck you,” Erin says flatly. 

 

“I love it when you swear,” Holtz says smiling wider and winking as she gets up and walks towards Erin. “I'll get the ladder if you grab a bulb?” 

 

 

-

 

 

“I think I should be the one going up that ladder,” Erin says with her hands on her hips. 

 

“And why is that, pray-tell?” Holtz says with a stature that matches Erin's on the other side of the ladder. 

 

“You're still on half-duties,” Erin says with a frown. “What if you fall off?”

 

“Then you'll catch me,” Holtz says with a grin. “I'll be fine, if I'm allowed to use my fun toys surely I'm allowed to go up a ladder.”

 

“No way,” Erin says with a frown. “You can catch me, ok?”

 

She doesn't wait for a response, just plucks the bulb back out of Holtz's hands and starts climbing. 

 

Holtz lets out a huff but moves to stabilise the ladder regardless. 

 

It's over in seconds and Erin looks down, the old bulb in her hands, to smile down at Holtz. 

 

And then she loses her footing. 

 

Of course she does. 

 

And of course Jillian catches her bridal style, just like a damn rom-com. 

 

She lets out a huff in exasperation while Holtz just laughs, her arms steady and firm around Erin's back and under her legs. 

 

They both pause after a moment, and Erin becomes acutely aware of how close their faces are because she can see the soft pulse of Jillian's heartbeat in her neck. 

 

Jillian's looking at her too, her gaze moving between Erin's eyes and her lips and she swipes her tongue out, licking her lower lip before biting it and Erin’s arms tighten around her neck. 

 

They both close their eyes and move closer and….

 

And then the door slams downstairs and Abby's voice rings out below them, and the spell is broken. 

 

They both blink a few times and they don't break away immediately but eventually Erin thinks they probably should because they could be interrupted any second. 

 

“I think you should….”

 

“Oh, right,” Holtz says, lowering Erin to her feet softly. 

 

“Thanks,” Erin says as she slides her arms from Jillian's neck, setting them palm up against her chest for a second. 

 

“Anytime buttercup,” Holtz says slowly. 

 

Her voice is husky and Erin's more than a little pleased that she's not the only one so heavily affected by their proximity. 

 

The blonde picks up one of Erin's hands from her chest, kissing her knuckles before bowing.

 

“White knight extraordinaire, at your service,” she says, winking as she stands up straight. 

 

They're still for a second and then they hear the phone ring downstairs before Patty's voice bellows up the stairs at them. 

 

“We got a bust yo, get down here.”

 

  
-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus their feelings deepen and they walk hand in hand further and further down the path of no-return...
> 
> I hope you're all enjoying! See you in a couple of days for an update.
> 
> x


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtz stays behind, and the bust doesn't quite go according to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy easter to those who celebrate, and happy long weekend to those who don't!
> 
> This chapter is a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, actually the next few, are but hold tight friends because we're officially half-way and things pick up speed from here on out.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> x

-

 

 

“I'm not staying behind.”

 

“Yes you are,” Erin, Abby and Patty all echo back to her in sync.

 

“No, I'm not,” Holtz says, zipping her coveralls up.

 

“Girl, I will take you out of those bodily and tie you to a chair if I have to, because you're not coming,” Patty says as she moves towards Holtz.

 

“I knew you had a bit of kink in you,” Holtz says winking at Patty. “And I'd like to see you try.”

 

Erin can tell they're going to go round in circles so she tries a different tact.

 

“Jill, please. What if it was one of us? What would you want us to do?”

 

She glares at Erin, because she knows exactly what she's doing and she crosses her arms over her chest.

 

“That's not fair, Gilbert.”

 

“Yes it is,” Erin says neutrally, trying not to smile because she knows she's got her now. “Now, you'll be on the radio in case we need back up?”

 

“Fine,” Holtz says frowning as she pulls at her overalls moodily. “But I'm not taking these off. Just in case.”

 

 

-

 

 

Truth be told there couldn't have been a worse bust to have Jillian sit out on.

 

It's not that it's difficult, there are just so many of them and it's just overwhelming enough that the three of them are on the back foot the entire time.

 

They're mostly kids, which is awful, in the basement of an old elementary school, build on the bones of an old colonial school where a fire had torn through a school building years before.

 

A few of them take a distinct dislike to Erin from the onset and while she captures her fair share, she's littered in cuts and scratches by the time they're down to the final six ghosts.

 

They manage to get them cornered and she and Abby trap three of them at once while Patty attempts to corral the other three into the other trap.  

 

Jillian's in their ear the whole time, a small radio the neat little addition to their gear as a backup in case they ever get split up.

 

She's praising them on a job almost well done and Erin's busy trying to readjust her pack when she hears Patty call out her name from across the room.

 

“What's going on?” Erin hears Holtz's panicked voice crackle in her ear before something hits her in the back of the head, _hard_ and everything goes black.

 

 

-

 

 

She comes to in a clinically white room with the faint noise of something beeping in the background.

 

She blinks a few times, wincing when the small movement hurts her head. She tries to bring her hand up to touch what feels like a bandage around her head when she realises someone's already holding it.

 

“We've got to stop meeting like this,” Holtz says quietly from her bedside.

 

Erin blinks a few more times trying to clear her head but everything feels too fuzzy, and it's hard to focus on anything beyond the soft blonde of Jillian's hair.

 

“What happened?” Erin asks groggily.

 

“You got hurt,” Jillian says shortly. “And I wasn't there to help you.”

 

“It was an accident Jill,” Erin says as a few flashes start to seep back into her head. “And I had the others there. It was an accident.”

 

“She's awake,” Abby says sounding heavily relieved from the doorway. “Thank god. Holtzmann you should have come and found us.”

 

“She just opened her eyes Abby,” Holtz returns evenly, and Erin can hear the strain between them even as muddle-headed as she is.

 

The doctor follows her and Patty into the room and explains that it's just a concussion, nothing lasting, but they've run tests and scans just in case.

 

Holtz has since let go of her hand so the doctor can finish his examination but she hasn't left Erin's side.

 

“You can go home whenever you feel up to it, although I'd like someone to spend the night with you, just in case.”

 

“That's not going to be a problem,” Abby says with a wry smile. “Anything else we need to know?”

 

Abby, bless her, has an intimate knowledge of exactly how much Erin loathes hospitals and does her best to get them loaded into the hearse as quickly as she can.

 

There's a moment when Patty’s helping Erin out of bed while Holtz and Abby talk to the doctor, and she hears Holtz voice her worry at them leaving so soon.

 

Abby's response is quick and low.

 

“Just get her home Holtzmann, I'll explain later but we just need to get her out now, ok?”

 

She looks quickly between Erin and Abby, and Erin casts her eyes down pretending not to have overheard as they walk back towards Erin and lead her out of the room.

 

She's more than a little unsteady on her feet but Jillian slides her arm through Erin's seamlessly, helping her in and then out of the car again.

 

Abby and Patty see them inside and settled before they leave for the night, and Jillian finally comes to sit next to her on the couch.

 

“Couple of regular in-patients, huh?” Holtz says with a soft grin. “Do you want me to call anyone?”

 

“No,” Erin says softly, closing her eyes as she leans back against the couch. “Is that ok? Are you ok here with me?”

 

“What kind of question is that,” Holtz says in soft admonishment, and Erin can hear the relief in her voice at the declination of her offer.

 

“Of course Er. Are you hungry? Do you want me to order some dinner?”

 

“I just feel sick,” Erin grumbles. “I don't know if I could eat much. I could nibble at something salty though? Or pizza?”

 

“Pizza it is,” Holtz says moving gently off the couch to order.

 

Their food arrives an hour or so later and Erin manages about half a slice before she gives up.

 

“Sorry Jill, I just feel so sick.”

 

“It's ok Er,” she says gently. “More for me. Besides cold pizza might tempt you later. Can I do anything?”

 

“Stop my stomach rolling?” Erin says cracking an eye open.

 

“I can't believe they didn't give us anything for nausea at the hospital,” Holtz says grumbling as she stands. “Oh, wait a sec.”

 

She disappears into the kitchen behind them and Erin can't help but feel more than a little warm at the use of _us_ , not you.

 

Even though she definitely shouldn't be thinking about that.

 

At all.

 

“Here,” Holtz says happily, depositing a fizzy drink in Erin's hands carefully.

 

“What is it?” Erin asks suspiciously.

 

“Ginger beer,” Holtz says happily. “I bought it for our emergency hangover kit and I forgot all about it. Ginger will help settle your stomach. And the bubbles should help too.”

 

Erin eyes her suspiciously because it's not the first time Holtz has tried to feed her something different.

 

“Come on, I wouldn't mess with you while you were this sick. Try it.”

 

She raises the glass to her lips tentatively and takes a small sip, pleasantly surprised to find it's not actually half bad.

 

“See,” Holtz says smiling.

 

She takes another few sips, pleased to find it sits in her stomach better than the water she'd tried to have at the hospital, and she picks the pizza up again to take another small bite.

 

“Thank you, Jill. For the drink. And everything else.”

 

“You're welcome,” Holtz says smiling widely. “White knight, remember.”

 

They sit in semi-silence, the TV on low volume in the background while Holtz plays on her phone and Erin closes her eyes and relaxes into Jillian's calming company.

 

An hour or so passes and Erin's just starting to think about heading to bed when a thought crosses her mind from earlier.  

 

“What was that earlier?” Erin asks without opening her eyes. “Between you and Abby, at the hospital?”

 

“Ah. That,” Holtz says a little regretfully beside Erin. “I said something that was a little out of line. We both apologised before she left here though, so we're fine now.”

 

“Out of line about what?” Erin asks, moving slowly so she can look at Holtz next to her.

 

“I panicked a bit, when you got hit,” Holtz says quietly and she looks into her lap instead of meeting Erin's eyes.

 

“And I had all this time on the way to the hospital to think about what could have happened and what was going on, and I was so _mad_ I wasn't with you. I got to the hospital and I kind of took it out on Abby and said something I shouldn't have.”

 

“What did you say?”

 

“Er, I don't want to….”

 

“I'll just ask Abby tomorrow,” Erin says stubbornly.

 

“Fine,” Holtz says with a little huff. “I said they should have had your back. And that if they'd let me come it wouldn't have happened because I would have had you.”

 

“ _Jill_ ,” Erin says softly.

 

“I know, ok? I know. I apologised as soon as I calmed down but it was….god Er, it was so awful knowing you were hurt and I wasn't there. I hated it. I don't want it to ever happen again. I'll sit in the car if I have to, but I'm not staying behind again.”

 

To say it's touching is _woefully_ insignificant because Erin's always had Abby and she knows she cares deeply, but she's never had anyone talk to her like this before.

 

She doesn't know what to say so she takes Holtz's hand, threading their fingers together.

 

“I'm ok,” Erin says after a pause. “You can see I'm ok, and I won't send you away. Not again.”

 

“Promise?”

 

“I promise,” Erin says softly. “And Abby will be fine. She'll know you were just worried.”

 

“I know,” Holtz says nodding. “I still never should have said that though.”

 

She blows out a long breath before finally turning to look at Erin.

 

“Nobody's ever scared me as much as you do, you know that right?”

 

“I didn't know Jillian Holtzmann got scared,” Erin says a little coyly.

 

“I don't,” Holtz says simply. “Only with you. Only ever with you.”

 

She leans forward, brushing a strand of Erin's hair behind her ear her finger glancing over the bandage around her head.

 

“Does it hurt?” She asks Erin softly.

 

“A little,” Erin says honestly. “At least it didn't need stitches though, right?”

 

“Yeah,” Holtz says not taking her eyes off Erin's lips. “The whole bandage thing suits you though.”

 

“It does?”

 

“Yeah,” Holtz says nodding.

 

She runs her finger down the line of Erin's jaw and Erin moves into the touch, her eyes fluttering closed at the contact.

 

She breathes softly out of her mouth, waiting for the press of soft _soft_ lips on hers before a yawn steals its way out of her lungs instead, and she hears Holtz chuckle softly as she puts a bit of distance between them.

 

“Bedtime,” she says, standing up to help Erin to her feet.

 

She takes the hand gratefully, wobbling a little as they walk.

 

Holtz helps her get into a loose shirt for bed and Erin tries not to blush when Holtz's eyes run over her bare legs as she steps out of her pants.

 

The other woman helps her into bed, and Erin's about to say thank you and goodnight when she notices Jillian start to take her own clothes off.

 

“What are you doing?” Erin asks curiously from her propped position in bed.

 

“Getting ready for bed?” Jillian replied, her hands freezing on her third button.

 

“Not that I mind, but in my room?”

 

“You need overnight observation?” Holtz says with a raised eyebrow. “I can sleep in my bed and come check on you if you'd prefer? I just figured this would be easier. ”

 

“No,” Erin says quickly. “Stay. If you don't mind?”

 

Holtz raises her eyebrow as if to say ‘you really have to ask’ before she continues shedding her clothes.

 

She really does have a beautiful body, Erin thinks as she definitely _doesn't_ watch Holtz pull her top over her head before stepping out of her pants and heading over to Erin's drawers to pull out something to wear to bed.

 

“You mind?” Holtz asks as she holds up one of Erin's t-shirts.

 

Erin shakes her head in reply and Holtz smiles before turning around so she can unclip her bra.

 

The broad sweep of her back is beautiful and her muscles dance prettily beneath the skin as she pulls Erin's top on.

 

She turns back, blushing slightly under Erin's unwavering gaze before she slides in bed next to her.

 

“Your bed’s much more comfortable than mine,” Holtz says as she pulls the blankets up above her shoulders.

 

“I think yours is better,” Erin says smiling as she turns to watch Jillian settle beside her.

 

She doesn't say what they're both thinking.

 

That it probably has _so_ much more to do with the person in each bed than it does with the bed itself, but that would be acknowledging the thing they're both steadfastly ignoring so they don't, softening into each other's presence instead.

 

“Don't do that again, ok?” Holtz says to her after they've switched the lights off a few minutes later.

 

“Do what?” Erin says sleepily.

 

“Get hurt like that. It scared the shit out of me, Erin.”

 

“I'll do my best,” Erin says softly, reaching out for Jillian's hand under the blankets. “You have to promise the same though.”

 

She hears rather than sees Jillian move up on her elbow so she can look down at Erin.

 

“I'll do my best too,” Holtz says nodding. “I mean it though Er, I don't know what I'd do if anything worse happened. I think I'd go mad.”

 

Erin can just make out her dull outline in the dark and she reaches out to push Holtz's hair out of her eyes where it's come down out of her loose ponytail.

 

Erin's expecting her to move away, to lie back down and fall asleep with their hands clasped together but she doesn't.

 

Instead she waits exactly four seconds and Erin thinks she can see the universe moving behind her eyes and it looks _heavy_ , whatever it is she's thinking about.

 

And then the whole world stops.

 

Because Jillian takes a careful measured breath, cradles Erin's head between her hands and kisses her.

 

It's like a week ago only it's _more_.

 

It's full of hope and fear and pain and stardust and **finally** and something that almost tastes like love.

 

Erin leans up, winds her hands easily into Jillian's hair and pulls Holtz on top of her, not breaking the kiss for a second.

 

They exhale and inhale deeply against each other and Jillian's tongue slips into her mouth as Erin's hand moves underneath Holtz's top to rest against her ribs.

 

She can hear the quick throb of Holtz's pulse beneath her hands and it should serve as a warning to stop, or slow but it doesn't.

 

It lights like fuel on a bonfire across Erin's skin instead and she pushes up into Jillian's arms more solidly.

 

Holtz's hands move from Erin's face to pull her closer too, one moving to her shoulder as the winds her hand in the hair at the base of Erin's neck gently and she slides properly between Erin's legs, moving her thigh to press between Erin's.

 

That makes Erin _gasp_.

 

It breaks the contact between them for a second and Holtz pulls away, worried she's gone too far, when Erin drags her back down and crashes their lips together.

 

It's hot and heavy and _desperate_ and more than a little dirty, and everything it's never been with another person before.

 

They move beautifully together, like they've been built for this and each other alone, and for the first time in hours Erin forgets about pain or her head or anything outside of the woman moving on top of her.

 

She feels like it should start to slow but it doesn't, the beast between them arches its back and _pants_ and they moan in response.

 

Erin's hand moves lower as Jillian's lips find her neck and she slides her hand teasingly, in a way she didn't even know how to along the small of Holtz's back before the blonde finally pulls away.

 

“Wait,” Holtz says when Erin's hand slides low, her thumb slipping beneath the waistband of her underwear.

 

Her head drops, rests against the flat of Erin's chest as she breathes heavily, trying to catch her breath.

 

“Not like this,” Holtz says before she presses soft kisses to Erin's breastbone. “Not while we still have….not like this, ok?”

 

Erin wants to scream because she's that worked up she'd probably combust in about three seconds flat if Jillian actually touched her.

 

It's the hardest thing she's done shy of coming back to Abby but she nods, threading her hands in Jillian's hair again.

 

“You're right,” she says softly, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice. “It should be different.”

 

“It doesn't mean I don't want you,” Holtz says sincerely, looking her in the eye. “Because I do Erin, _Jesus_ I do. But….”

 

“I know,” Erin says breathing heavily too. “I know.”

 

“Should I go?” Jillian asks softly, not moving from between Erin's thighs.

 

“No,” Erin says shaking her head gently. “I couldn't bear it if you did.”

 

Holtz looks down at her and smiles, and Erin feels something pluck at a bond deep in the pit of her stomach, testing it for strength and she _knows_ that Jillian feels it too, whatever **it** is.

 

Holtz leans down, presses the gentlest kiss Erin's ever felt to her lips like a promise before she rolls off and onto her side.

 

“Will you talk to me?” Erin asks, pressing her palm to her chest in an attempt to will it to slow.

 

“Of course,” Holtz says gently. “What do you want to talk about?”

 

“Anything,” Erin says quietly.

 

Jillian's quiet for a second as she contemplates Erin's request, smiling to herself before she turns to Erin with a curious look on her face.

 

“Have you done this before? With a woman?”

 

“No,” Erin says shaking her head. “I kissed a girl in college but nothing else. I was too scared. I didn't want them to make fun of me when they realised I hadn't done anything else before.”

 

“I don't think that would have been a problem,” Holtz says laughing softly. “I think most girls would have been too busy pinching themselves if they'd ever got you into their bed.”

 

“I doubt it,” Erin says with a snort.

 

“I would have,” Holtz says softly.

 

Erin looks at her in the darkness and a wave of regret washes over her like a throb across the back of her head because this could have been _so_ much easier.

 

“What was your first time like?” Erin asks sleepily as she takes Jillian's hand in hers.

 

“Shaky,” Holtz says with a soft laugh. “I was so nervous.”

 

“But good?”

 

“Amazing. I mean I was probably terrible but I've improved remarkably since then,” Holtz says winking to the darkness. “Promise.”

 

“I don't doubt it,” Erin says running her fingers teasingly along the delicate bones of Holtz's hand.

 

“You?”

 

“Terrible,” Erin says laughing. “It was in my first year of university. He was very nice but it was over in about twenty seconds. I didn't do it again until I was twenty three and graduated.”

 

“Well that would not have been experience if I'd been able to get my hands on you then,” Holtz says with a smile in the dark.

 

Erin could laugh out loud if she wasn't so tired, because she'd been trying to take them into safer territory and yet here they are _again_.

 

“One day you'll tell me?” Erin asks a little breathily.

 

“One day I'll show you. I hope,” Holtz says pressing Erin's hand to her mouth for a kiss.

 

“What's your favourite colour?” Erin asks as she smothers another yawn, the combination of arousal and exhaustion rippling through her body.

 

“Grey,” Holtz says easily. “Or silver. Like my machines. You?”

 

“Blue,” Erin says slowly. “Like your eyes.”

 

“Even got game with a head wound, nice going Gilbert,” Holtz says with a laugh next to her.

 

“I'm sorry if I fall asleep,” Erin says half dipping in and out of consciousness.

 

It's the fatigue that takes the next question from her lips because she never would have been brave enough otherwise.

 

“Do you have any regrets?”

 

“Yes,” Holtz says quietly. “Just one. You?”

 

She can't be sure, obviously, and she'll never ask but she thinks it mirrors one of her own.

 

“Two,” Erin says equally softly. “Just two.”

 

Abby. She wants to say. And you.

 

Us.

 

But she doesn't.

 

She doesn't have a chance to say anything else because finally, inevitably, sleep takes her on her exhale and she falls asleep listening to the heavy silent moving of Jillian's thoughts beating next to her like a heartbeat.

 

 

-

 

 

She remembers being roused by soft hands more than once during the night but she doesn't wake fully until the sun falls across the empty pillow next to her.

 

There's a note on the pillow next to her, written in Holtz's surprisingly beautiful handwriting.

 

_Stayed with you all night, just had to leave early. Won't be in today. Sorry._

 

She doesn't know what it means because last night Holtz had seemed fine, _they_ had seemed fine.

 

Erin could be wholly overthinking things but it's so unlike Holtz to just leave her like this, even if she had stayed all night, that Erin can't help but feel a little worried.

 

She gets ready slowly and she tosses up going into work even though she knows she'll be sent home immediately, because something about the apartment feels different today, colder for the lack of Jillian's warmth, and she doesn't like the way it feels on her skin.

 

It becomes evident that that's _not_ going to happen once she's showered because her head pounds and she feels slightly sick again, so she texts Abby instead, at a loss for what else to do.

 

Abby arrives an hour later with a stack of papers for her to read while she keeps Erin company, and a bag of treats to try and tempt Erin into eating something.

 

Abby doesn't say anything like why didn't you call your boyfriend, or better yet, why didn't you call Holtzmann.

 

Instead she just sits quietly next to Erin on the couch with something vaguely soft playing over their speakers in the background and they spend the day together like they used to, a very long time ago.

 

Abby gives her a good hour to relax into her presence before she asks softly whether Erin's ok, and it's harder to hold back the tears this time than it was last.

 

“We kissed again Abby, last night. Very nearly did more and probably would have if she hadn't stopped it.”

 

“Erin Gilbert,” Abby says with a look of shock on her face. “You had a concussion. What on earth were you thinking?”

 

She chases the admonishment with a smile though and Erin knows she's just playing.

 

“I take it that's why she's done a disappearing act this morning then?” Abby asks softly.

 

“I think so,” Erin says feeling terribly guilty. “We talked about other things too. About us. Maybe.”

 

“About you both breaking up with….”

 

“No,” Erin says shaking her head. “Not that. Just that we both want something we're clearly not talking about.”

 

“I hate to ask the obvious question, but why don't you?”

 

“Because nothing's changed. She's said where she stands,” Erin says shrugging. “I don't want to push her. I don't want her to resent me for making her do something she clearly doesn't want to do.”

 

Abby doesn't say anything straight away, not that Erin's expecting her too.

 

“I'm going to break it off with him, regardless of what else happens,” Erin says after a few minutes silence, exhaling deeply before she speaks again. “I think I love her, Abby.”

 

“I think you need to tell her how you feel,” Abby says patiently. “That changes things Erin, you know it does. I know you don't want her to resent you but I know she won't. And she deserves to have all the information before she sets her own course, don’t you think?”

 

“I know you're right,” Erin says dropping her head back with a wince against the couch. “I just don't want to ruin anything.”

 

“But you can't keep going like this Er, neither of you can.”

 

“I know,” Erin says as she closes her eyes. “I know we can't. I just don't want to lose her.”

 

Abby just gives her a sad little smile then because there's nothing else to say, this is up to them now, she and Jillian. And the best Abby can do is let Erin know she's here.

 

She drifts in and out of sleep for the afternoon and Abby plies her with a bit of food in between naps before she packs her things up in the late afternoon.

 

“I have to do a few things at the firehouse, are you going to be ok here by yourself?”

 

“I'll be fine,” Erin says with a soft smile. “Thank you for spending the day with me.”

 

“Anytime,” Abby says smiling softly back. “It was nice. I've missed you.”

 

“I've missed you too,” Erin says before Abby pulls her in for a hug.

 

“Come in and nap at the firehouse tomorrow if you feel up to it,” Abby says before she leaves. “I don't want you here alone, ok?”

 

Erin gives her a little nod as she hangs around the edge of the door. Abby gives her one last look just short of sadness and then she's gone, leaving Erin alone.

 

She potters around the apartment for a bit, tidying the already spotless living room and kitchen before she flops back on the couch again, her headache getting the better of her.

 

She's not sure how long she's asleep for, but it's dark by the time Jillian finally comes home hours later.

 

   
-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Erin, my love. Things will pick up, I promise. Very very soon in fact.
> 
> x


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things change. Irrevocably and eternally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome.
> 
> And I'm sorry.
> 
> x
> 
> oh, and I never ever do the whole song/fic thing but I listened to Hozier's Take Me to Church while I was skimming this today and I thought, god that's a little bit perfect - so if you're so inclined, pop it on before you read ahead.

-

  
  


Jillian's not quiet when she comes in which is the first clue that something's not right because she's normally so considerate, but she shuts the door loudly behind her and it's the slam that wakes Erin up. 

 

“Jill,” Erin says sleepily, wiping at her eyes. “Is that you?”

 

Holtz walks in the door, drops her keys on the counter and starts pacing the kitchen not actually acknowledging Erin yet. 

 

“Is everything ok? Jill? Jillian?  _ Holtzmann _ .”

 

It's the use of her full surname that does it because Erin never calls her that anymore. Because it doesn't feel personal enough for them now.  

 

She stops dead in her tracks and looks to Erin, her face ashy and her eyes a little red and if Erin didn't know any better she would have said Holtzmann had spent the day crying. 

 

“What's happened?” Erin says quickly, moving up from the couch. “Are you ok?”

 

It's too fast though and her head spins and she ends up on her ass on the couch as Jillian rushes to her side. 

 

“I'm fine,” Erin says pushing her away gently. “I'm fine. But you're clearly not. I need you to tell me what's wrong. Is it something I've done?”

 

“No,” Holtz says shaking her head. “It's not you. It's never you. It's me.”

 

“What do you mean it's you? You need to give me more information Jill, you're starting to scare me.”

 

“Don't be scared,” Holtz says quickly, softening immediately. “Please don't be scared. This isn't your problem to deal with.”

 

“Well I don't know that, do I?” Erin says flatly. “Because you won't tell me what's wrong.”

 

“I don't want to,” Holtz says shaking her head. “You're not one hundred percent. I'm not going to put this on you now.”

 

“I'm not a child Jillian,” Erin says evenly. “I don't need you to baby me.”

 

“God, I know you're not Erin. I know, ok? I just…. I don't know, I've spend all day trying to find a way out of this fucking mess I've made where no one gets hurt or made a fool of; and I can't. I just can't, ok? I don't know what to do.”

 

“Jill, we talked about this remember. It's too hard. I don't want you to be stressed out like this. You stay with her and we'll I don't know….get over this.”

 

“But I can't,” Holtz says like it physically pains her to do so. “We can't. Can't you feel it? Every single day I wake up and think ‘I'll be better today. I'll put some distance between us’ and it never fucking works. Ever. You're like a magnet Er.”

 

And she  _ knows _ . 

 

**God** she knows, because she's thought the same thing every single day this week. 

 

“What do  _ you _ want, Erin?” Holtz says turning to Erin on the couch. “Tell me something true, not what you're saying to spare my feelings. What do you feel. What should I do?” 

 

She knows she should lie. Because it'll spare them both so much pain and heartbreak. 

 

But she can't. 

 

Because Jillian will see through it even if she could. But she can't. 

 

“I want you,” Erin says simply. “I just want you.”

 

And she bites her tongue on the last, most important part until Jillian levels her with a glare that pleads for honesty. Full, not partial. 

 

So Erin speaks, and breaks any chance they have of turning back into a thousand infinitesimal shards. 

 

“And I think I love you.”

 

She feels rather than hears the breath catch in Jillian's throat then, and the blonde just stops. 

 

And Erin realises all of a sudden that she was prepared for two scenarios, maybe three, but not this. 

 

Not love. 

 

“You love me?” Holtz says disbelievingly. “But you're with….we're not even  _ together _ .”

 

“He doesn't mean anything Jill. He never did. I was going to break it off before I got injured.”

 

Jillian's still next to her, and Erin wants to reach out and touch but she knows better than to do that. 

 

Because Jillian's wound like an unstable bow and Erin knows touching her first will destroy them both. 

 

She can almost hear Jillian thinking, and she wants to offer something,  _ anything _ but she knows she's done everything she can for now. 

 

She's said what needed to be said and she can only wait. She has to see what Holtz can do,  _ will _ do, with it. 

 

And honestly, Erin expects her to go. 

 

To utter something in some variation of  _ how dare you _ before she closes the door on Erin forever. 

 

It's what she deserves, Erin thinks. After keeping them both in this holding pattern for so long without actually coming to terms with her feelings and verbalising them. 

 

Erin readies herself for the blow then, for the loss. 

 

Because she's left this too long and she has no one but herself to blame. 

 

Because really, she could have stopped this months ago. She could have laid her claim at Jillian's feet for the world to see, but she hesitated. 

And she's maybe cost them their future because of it. 

 

Except she hasn't. 

 

Because the next second Jillian doesn't something she's not at all prepared for. 

 

She turns to Erin very slowly, takes Erin's head between her hands with an exquisite gentleness that makes Erin's marrow  _ ache  _ and she kisses her. 

 

And she doesn't stop. 

 

She doesn't stop when her hands slide up Erin's sides before they tangle in her to pull her closer, always closer. 

 

She doesn't stop when she kisses the column of Erin's throat, holding the back of Erin's neck like it's made of glass. 

 

And it's so overwhelming Erin almost forgets. She almost loses sight of everything that's stopped them before now. 

 

“I thought…” Erin pants as she pushes Holtz back by her breastbone. “I thought you wanted to wait. Until….”

 

“I  _ can't _ ,” Jillian husks. “But I'll stop, of course I'll stop if you don't….”

 

Erin doesn't let her finish the sentence. 

 

She knows they should talk because they're changing the orientation of the earth around the sun with their hands on each other's skin, but Erin doesn't think there's a word in the English language that adequately covers the sheer sense of relief and arousal her body is currently being barraged with. 

 

So she  _ does _ instead. 

 

She  _ shows _ . 

 

 

-

 

 

Erin thinks distantly that this should feel wrong. 

 

That she should feel some sense of guilt as she wraps her legs around Jillian's waist and she carries Erin to her room before pressing her down firm into the  mattress like she's trying to keep all their fears at bay with the press of her hips. 

 

But she doesn't. 

 

Not a drop. 

 

Because it's Jillian. 

 

_ Her _ Jillian. 

 

And now, for this moment, Erin can pretend Jillian belongs to herself and Erin alone. 

 

 

-

 

 

Holtz presses Erin down beneath the soft weight of her hips before she lifts away, starts pulling at the hem of her own shirt before Erin leans up quickly and stays her hands. 

 

“No,” Erin says with a coy smile. “I want to. Please? I've been dreaming about this for months.”

 

“Months?” Holtz asks softly. 

 

“Yes,” Erin says easily. “Haven't you?”

 

“It feels like years,” Jillian says, her eyes glossing over as she watches Erin sit up on her knees so she can pull the other woman's top off over her head. “It feels like I've wanted you for years.”

 

And really, that's what it feels like for Erin too if she thinks about it. Like she's been craving Jillian for years, only she hadn't known it. 

 

And then she understands why it feels right, and not wrong.

 

Because it feels  _ so inevitable _ . 

 

So fucking solid and meant to be that she could set a clock by it. 

 

So out of their hands and beyond their control, and she knows it's not an excuse because they're adults but it just  _ does _ . 

 

Jillian lifts her arms obligingly for Erin and it pulls a few of her hairpins free, and Erin smiles as she reaches up to them. 

 

“Can I take these out? I love your hair down.”

 

“You do?” 

 

“Well,” Erin says reasoning as she drags her nails teasingly across Holtz's scalp. “I like it up too but I think I want to remember this with it down.”

 

“Do whatever you want,” Jillian says, moaning as she leans back into the scratch. “I'm yours Erin.”

 

And it almost stops Erin dead in her tracks because she's not really. 

 

Not yet. 

 

And maybe not ever. 

 

But the only way she'll get through this without falling apart is by holding those words to her chest like gospel, and now that she has Jillian open and pliant in her arms nothing short of a steam train will make her stop. 

 

She pulls the last pin free, throws it carelessly to the floor somewhere behind her and it strikes the floor like a match and then they  _ burn _ . 

 

 

-

 

 

It's ridiculous and she feels like a teenager clawing clumsily at clothes to bare the skin beneath and Erin feels like she doesn't have enough hands because she just wants to touch Holtz  _ everywhere _ . 

 

They're naked now but for their underwear and Holtz is kissing her way with a torturous slowness down Erin's body, looking up to her with a sly grin with every few touches of her lips to Erin's skin. 

 

Erin arches easily up into the touch, following Holtz like they're glued together and she knows she should try show at least some restraint but she can't. 

 

Because she's been hungry for this for weeks and they've come  _ so _ fucking close twice, and further away more than that and Erin just wants her,  **now** . 

 

Luckily, Jillian's self-restraint seems similarly limited because while she goes slow she does keep moving and eventually her teeth nip at Erin's hip bone. 

 

“I wanted you first, you know,” Erin breathes heavily when Jillian pulls her underwear down with her teeth. 

 

“When I was dreaming of this -  _ christ, Jill  _ \- I wanted to show you how much I wanted you. What you made me do to myself in the middle of the night because I couldn't have you in my bed.”

 

“Later,” Holtz says as her hands take over from her teeth and she slides Erin's underwear off completely. 

 

And she seems cavalier about the comment but Erin doesn't miss the shudder that passes beneath Jillian's skin, nor the blush that creeps over her cheeks and across her chest. 

 

“God,” Holtz says pausing over her suddenly, her breath ghosting over hot flesh. “You’re  _ beautiful _ , Erin.”

 

She blushes at that, all bravado from a second ago gone in an instant because she's been with men that have done this before but she'd never got the impression they'd really  _ enjoyed _ it. 

 

She tries to bring her legs closer together but it doesn't work at all because Holtz is pinning her thighs down with her arms, and she smiles devilishly up at Erin. 

 

“No way,” Jillian says as she smiles and presses kisses in closer. 

 

And  _ closer _ . 

 

“I want to see you.”

 

 

-

 

 

She needn't have worried about feeling self-conscious because the second Jillian's mouth actually touches her, her head falls back on the pillow and  _ nothing _ else matters. 

 

Because Holtz’s mouth is hot and firm and she moves like she's been starving too, without an ounce of hesitation, and it makes all of Erin's inhibitions just drop away. 

 

Jillian's fingers curl inside, below her tongue, and it's almost too much because Erin's never had someone know exactly what she wants without saying it before. 

 

If she didn't know any better she'd have thought Holtz could read her mind because she's actually about to peak, to come before they even have a chance to play when Holtz pulls back with a grin on her face. 

 

“Not so fast,” Holtz says kissing Erin as she moves back up her body. “I told you, I want to  _ see _ you.” 

 

 

-

 

 

One of Erin's hands wind round the headboard while the other claws desperately at Jillian's back as she moves between Erin's legs, pushing two fingers in with the weight of her body behind her arm. 

 

Erin knows she should be more careful, that leaving marks of any kind on either of them is beyond stupid but she doesn't fucking care. 

 

Holtz doesn't seem to mind either, arching her back into the bite of Erin's nails as her thumb slides over Erin's clit on the inward stroke. 

 

She wants to say something, to let Jillian know how good this feels, how good  _ she _ feels, and how close she is now but she's totally and completely incapable of anything beyond the occasional moan that slips between her lips. 

 

Jillian knows though, of course she does because she leans down, slides her tongue into Erin's mouth and kisses her like their lives hang in the balance of it, and when they break away she has to pant her next words into Erin's ear because there's no breath left in her lungs. 

 

“What do you need Er,” she says to the hollow of Erin's throat. “Tell me what you need.”

 

“More,” Erin gasps. “You, just a little more.”

 

Jillian smiles in response, moves back slightly and Erin moans as she feels her fingers move away and withdraw. 

 

She doesn't have time to actually complain though because Jillian bites down on her neck like she's claiming her and she pushes in with three fingers  _ fast _ and Erin just falls apart. 

 

She doesn't last long, a minute or so at most and the last stretch almost burns. 

 

Her chest is heaving and her pulse is roaring and she's so overwhelmed, but then Jillian leans in and kisses her again and everything narrows. 

 

It slows, and suddenly it's just the two of them and not the furor of the end of the earth around them, and Erin gasps as Jillian swallows her moans. 

 

She works Erin down slow, and Erin actually tries to hold on, pulls at Jillian's fingers when she tries to take them away because she doesn't want this to be over. 

 

Holtz takes her time though, smiles as she brings her fingers to her mouth and licks them clean, and Erin blanches because it's about the most erotic thing she's ever seen in her life. 

 

She surges up and kisses Jillian then, wants to show her she's not afraid to taste herself on the blonde's tongue and Jillian moans loud at the unexpected movement. 

 

“Look at you Gilbert,” Holtz says with a fresh blush coating her shoulders. “Who'd have thought you'd surprise me in the sack.”

 

“There's a lot you don't know about me,  _ Jillian _ ,” Erin purrs as she rolls them over, taking advantage of Holtz's momentary distraction. 

 

“Oh yeah,” Holtz asks smirking at Erin as she settles between her legs. “Like what?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Erin says shrugging. “Guess you’ll just have to wait and find out, huh?”

 

“You'll tell me if I do anything wrong?” Erin says a little uncertainly as her fingers dance across the skin of Jillian's stomach. 

 

“You won't do anything wrong,” Holtz says a little breathily, her voice catching in her throat. 

 

“But what if I….”

 

“Erin,” she says, stronger this time. “Trust me. There's nothing you could do that would make this short of the best night of my life, ok?” 

 

“But….” Erin says again. 

 

“Just  _ feel _ ,” Holtz says with a sly smirk. “And tell me if you think you're doing ok without even having touched me yet, ok?”

 

Erin frowns, not totally sure what she means and she's nervous as hell but Jillian's starting to wriggle beneath her and she knows she has to do  _ something, _ so she drags her fingertips along the line of Holtz's underwear, smiling when the blonde gasps a little and jumps up into the touch. 

 

“I  _ really _ don't know what I'm doing,” Erin says with a little smile, her canines sliding over her bottom lip as she looks down at Holtz.

 

“I  _ really _ think you're lying,” Holtz says, rolling down into the bed as her hands reach behind her blindly for something to hold on to. 

 

Now or never, Erin thinks to herself as she watches Jillian's eyes flutter open and closed prettily as she waits less and less patiently. 

 

She takes one last deep breath and slides her hand beneath the plain black cotton of Holtz's underwear and  _ oh _ . 

 

**That's** what she'd meant. 

 

Because Erin's felt herself before, wet like this. 

 

But never  _ this _ wet. 

 

“Jill,” she moans as her hand slips over the blonde's clit and she jumps at the sudden contact. 

 

“See,” Jillian says, looking to her with glassy blue eyes. “ _ See _ , Erin. This is what you do to me.”

 

She bites her lip again as she looks down at Jillian and she leans in, kissing the smirk off her face and leaving a look nothing short of pure lust in its wake. 

 

All of a sudden she's not as nervous as she was, well she is but with a reaction like that it's hard not to feel a little bit more confident than she did a moment ago. 

 

She moves her hand, cautiously, experimentally because she is nothing if not a scientist at her core and she wants to  _ test _ . 

 

She wants to find Jillian's boundaries like she so effortlessly found Erin's. 

 

So she flexes her fingers, slowly at first, and she watches at which movements gain more traction, make Holtz bend her back sharper or bite her lip harder until she can set into a steady rhythm. 

 

She leans down, mirrors what Jillian had done to her moments ago. Takes a nipple softly between her lips and watches as Jillian's mouth falls open in a much louder moan than before. 

 

She takes note of that reaction, smiling as she moves to the other breast and Jillian's hand finally comes free from the headboard to bury itself in Erin's hair as she holds Erin to her breast. 

 

“Jesus Erin. Are you sure you've never done this before?” 

 

“Never,” she says, nipping at the swell of Holtz's breast and smiling when her hand tightens in Erin's hair. “Am I doing ok?”

 

“Terribly,” Holtz says teasing and Erin bites harder in response. 

 

She peppers kisses over Jillian's breast bone as her fingers start to move more firmly, dip lower and lower teasing before Jillian's hips jump towards Erin's hand, the tips of her fingers  _ just _ sliding inside. 

 

“Do you want….” Erin says pausing shyly again. 

 

“Yes,” Jillian gasps, her eyes screwed shut. “Easy though, ok?”

 

She pushes in easily with one finger and watches as Jillian's back arches beautifully off the bed in one smooth movement. 

 

“You're going to kill me Erin,” the blonde pants as Erin starts moving, adding another finger carefully after a minute or so trying to catch the more sensitive area with her thumb with each stroke. 

 

“Not yet,” Erin says leaning in to press another long kiss to her lips. “I can think of worse ways to go though, can you?”

 

It's a rhetorical question though because Jillian starts coming to pieces slowly beneath her now. 

 

And Erin could ask what it'll take to tip her over the edge but that feels like cheating, and she wants to see how much she can do without direction. 

 

She pushes harder, makes the strokes longer and moves her lips over as much bare skin as she can, drawing blood to the surface over Holtz's pulse without thinking. 

 

“Shit, I'm sorry,” Erin says quickly once she realises her mistake, pulling away. 

 

“I don't fucking care,” Jillian says desperately, pushing herself up and into Erin's touch. “Don't you dare move, I'm so close Er.  _ So _ close.”

 

Erin can feel it too, because Jillian's thighs are shaking and she's pulling at Erin's fingers, so she ignores the burning in her forearm and  _ leans in _ . 

 

 

-

 

 

Jillian is quiet when she comes. 

 

Which honestly comes as a surprise to Erin. 

 

Her mouth falls open and she drags short nails down Erin's back hard enough to make her hiss. 

 

Jillian's whole body shakes like the earth is moving beneath her skin, and it's so satisfying that Erin never wants it to stop. 

 

She curls her fingers at the last moment curious to see if she can draw another, and unexpectedly she does. 

 

It takes Jillian by surprise too, her breath catching roughly in her throat as her body  _ snaps _ . 

 

Erin smiles, deeply pleased with herself as she slowly removes her hand, sweeping her thumb over Holtz's hip as she settles down beside her. 

 

They lie in silence for a moment while Holtz catches her breath, flat on her back, and Erin leans over her quietly watching the rise and fall of her chest. 

 

It's not conscious, but her hand moves from her side to gently trace the outline of the bones in Jillian's chest, just above her breast, and Holtz exhales deeply at the touch. 

 

“What do we do now?” Erin asks quietly, and she doesn't want to disturb the quiet but something tells her she should. 

 

Holtz is silent at first, and Erin can see the shadows of guilt creep across her eyes before she shakes her head, driving back the dark. 

 

She leans up on an elbow too, pushes Erin down into the mattress a little less gently than before and smiles dangerously. 

 

“Now?” Holtz says heavily. “Now I show you everything  _ I've _ been thinking about.”

 

 

-

 

 

They go for hours and Erin knows she'll never be taken apart as completely as this ever again. 

 

Jillian touches her like they've only got a day left on earth together, and maybe they do, but the thought of that makes Erin want to claw her heart out of her chest so she bottles that for now, and hopes the poison doesn't set in quicker than she can outrun it. 

 

It feels like art, and Erin wishes she could  _ watch _ as well as  **do** because she doesn't think she'll ever see anything as beautiful as this feels for as long as she lives. 

 

They go slow, and then fast, and then on the floor and against the wall and in the shower and the sun must only be an hour or two away when they finally finally drift off to sleep, naked but for the limbs of one another. 

 

She doesn't want to sleep, because she knows the light will break this half-world they've built around their bodies and she knows it's made of glass anyway but she doesn't want it to crack. 

 

Because here Jillian is hers and she can touch and kiss her without hesitation, but in the morning reality will come and bring with it everything Erin wants to ignore. 

 

Holtz falls asleep first, her breath soft at Erin's neck and her arm low around her waist and it almost hurts because  _ god _ , how could she have ever thought it was going to be ok to give this back to someone else. 

 

Erin doesn't regret it though. 

 

She never will. 

 

Because she knows what Jillian's skin tastes like in the moonlight now, and whatever happens next will be worth it. 

 

She closes her eyes, struggling against the pull of sleep as it pricks at her heels and nips at her fingers and falls asleep with her hand wound in Jillian's, while she still can. 

 

 

-

 

 

When she wakes Jillian's gone. 

 

  
-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a tiny bit of spare time tonight and I was so excited to share this part I know everyone's been kind of waiting for, so you get two updates in two days! Yay!
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed, it was equal parts extremely satisfying and enormously heartbreaking to write but I'm so excited we're here, finally.
> 
> And I know it's complicated and a more than a little grey but this is what the game has been leading up to, and I'm right here to hold hands for the rest of the ride, ok?
> 
> x


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jillian and Erin deal with the consequences of their actions, and the women get called to their roughest bust to date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This monster chapter is another rollercoaster team, hang on tight and remember it gets better for them both after this chapter.
> 
> There's no light without darkness, right?
> 
> x

-

 

 

Erin's not surprised. 

 

There's no note this time, although she doesn't need it because the marks that  _ cover _ her body when she looks in the mirror are note enough. 

 

She'd thought there might be one or two, but  _ god _ she's littered with them. 

 

She's covered in them and she had been the more aggressive one of the two, so she shudders at the thought of what Holtz looks like this morning. 

 

Teeth and nail marks and bruises bloom up her neck and litter the inside of her thighs, and even with a high collar and plenty of makeup she's not sure she can hide them all. 

 

And is terrible, because she knows she needs to hide them but she doesn't  _ want _ to. 

 

She turns around, looking at her bare back in the mirror and runs her finger lightly over the red lines that run diagonally across her back, flushing when she recalls the  _ squeeze _ around her fingers that had come with the bite of nails against her skin. 

 

She showers, using Jillian's shampoo and the body wash they share. Erin knows it's silly, but just because she hadn't been expecting to wake with Jillian beside her doesn't mean the absence doesn't hurt. 

 

So what if she wants to soften the blow with something, because it feels like last night is slipping through her fingers already and she's reluctant enough to wash the blonde from her skin. She wants something beyond the marks on her skin to  _ linger _ . 

 

She makes the call that afternoon. 

 

And she doesn't want to do it over the phone but she can't risk him seeing her like this, covered in the touch of someone else. 

 

He's upset, and he tries to talk her out of it, and for the first time Erin feels a twinge of something akin to guilt (but not regret) because he does really like  her. 

 

But it's one-sided. 

 

She knows that fully now, and it's not fair on him to persevere in watering something she already knows to be dead. 

 

They part on good terms, verbally at least, and when Erin apologises before they end the call she means it, truly. Because he's shown her a kindness and affection no other man ever has before. 

 

It's just not enough. 

 

Because she knows what platinum feels like on her skin now, and silver will never suffice again. 

 

She spends the rest of the afternoon moving slowly around the apartment because her head is starting to throb again, and Abby had assured her there was nothing worth coming in for if she was too sore to move. 

 

She wants to ask after Holtz but this feels too private, for today at least, so she leaves it and naps lightly until she hears the door close quietly sometime around seven. 

 

She's quiet tonight, not like the other night, and she hasn't been crying this time but somehow that makes it worse. 

 

“Hi,” Erin says softly, turning to move towards the door. 

 

“Don't get up,” Holtz says, holding her hand or in front of her gesturing for Erin to stay back. “I'm not staying, I just need a bag of stuff. I'm going to go stay at Patty's tonight.”

 

“Did you….?”

 

“I didn't say anything, don't worry. Just said I wanted to give you some peace and quiet. I think she knows something's up but I won't say anything.”

 

“Jill, please,” Erin says, ignoring Holtz as she stands anyway. “You don't have to leave, ok? We can talk about this. We  _ need _ to talk about this.”

 

“What else is there to say?” Holtz says shrugging uselessly. “I did something terrible and it shouldn't have happened, and I can't for the life of me make myself regret it because it was everything I've want….”

 

“First off,” Erin says sternly. “We did something.  _ We _ , Jillian. It took two of us to do what we did last night, not one.”

 

“Yeah, but I'm the one who started it,” Holtz says in a strained voice. 

 

“Oh, right and I couldn't possibly have stopped it at any stage during the proceedings, right? It's just  _ all _ on you.”

 

“That's not what I mean.”

 

“What do you mean? Why am I not allowed to take responsibility for my part in this?” Erin says and she's getting angry now, because she's not interested in  this pity party, no matter what their actions were. 

 

“Because I wanted it, ok Erin? I really fucking wanted it. More than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life.”

 

“Well then why don't we do something about it? Why don't we make it mean something?” Erin says pleadingly. “I know we went about it the wrong way but we can fix it, do right by everyone. Including us. Don't you think we deserve that too?”

 

“Because it  _ can't _ mean something,” Jillian says heartbreakingly. “You know it can't Er, not while….”

 

Not while I still have a girlfriend. Not while I've promised myself to someone else. 

 

“Do you love her?” Erin asks. 

 

And she doesn't want to know the answer. Not at all. And she doesn't know what she'll actually do if the answer is yes but she needs to ask it regardless. 

 

“Don't ask me that,” Jillian says painfully, scratching at her chest with her nails. 

 

“You do?”

 

“No, I don't. And that's the fucking problem.”

 

“Why?” Erin says flatly. “Why is that a problem?”

 

Holtz is quiet for a moment and Erin can see her weighing up her next words, balancing them between her hands like a stick of sweating dynamite. 

 

Erin knows what she's doing. 

 

She's playing with a lie. Something to save Erin's feelings as much as she can, and the truth, which might just kill them both. 

 

“Because,” Jillian says slowly, and very quietly. “If you had really wanted me you would have done something in the beginning. But you didn't. And that has to mean something.”

 

And it's true, to an extent, but it doesn't mean what Jillian thinks it does. 

 

Because the hesitation was on Erin, and her fear. Never on the solidity of Erin's feelings for her. 

 

And Erin wants to tell her, will drop to her knees and plead and scream, wants to tell her everything. That she's alone now and nothing's standing in their way if she wants this, but Holtz doesn't give her the chance. 

 

She starts walking toward the door, not bothering to take anything but her keys and phone with her and Erin moves after her immediately. 

 

“Jill, wait. I need to tell you….”

 

I need to tell you it's over with him. I'm free. I'm yours, wholly now if you'll have me. 

 

“Stop, Erin.  _ Please _ . Just let me go, ok?”

 

She wants to stop her, to stand in the doorway with her arms stretched out wide but the pain in her voice is echoed in her shoulders and it  **kills** Erin knowing she's the one to cause it. 

 

“I don't want to make this worse for you,” Erin says pleading. “There are things I want to say, things you need to hear. And you don't owe me anything, Jill.  You don't owe anyone anything, but will you say you'll listen? When you feel you can?”

 

“Of course,” Holtz says deflating immediately. “I'm not leaving Er, I just need some time. Space. Away from….”

 

“Me,” Erin finishes simply. 

 

“I just don't know what to do,” Holtz says simply, her eyes glassy and her stature lost. “I just need….”

 

“Go,” Erin says simply but kindly. “I'll be here, Jill. Whatever you decide.”

 

She doesn't know what hurts most, the finality in the click of the lock in the door or the ache of the empty bed around the scent of Jillian's perfume as sleep  hides from her fingertips until just before the sunrise. 

 

 

-

 

 

She barely sees hide nor hare of Jillian over the next few days.

 

Holtz sends her a message every night just before bed to let Erin know she won’t be home, again, and Erin turns in alone and tries not to let the loneliness sink into her bones.

 

And it’s not just the physical element, although Erin would be lying if she said she wasn’t craving  _ that _ already--she misses the company.

 

She's become so accustomed to having Jillian around the house. Constantly here but such a soft, reassuring presence, that the loss of her is much heavier than she was expecting. 

 

Erin sees her a few times in the lab, although she does such an expert job of avoiding Erin for the most part they're only ever fleeting moments. Not even long enough for a word let alone a whole conversation. 

 

Erin lives the week scared. Because every day she expects to open the door to her apartment to a half-empty home--Holtz having cleared her things out during the day, but thank the gods she hasn't. 

 

Not yet, anyway.  

 

And it's all so horrible because the last thing she had wanted in any of this was to lose Jillian, and now that stands as a very real possibility. 

 

Erin's desperate to talk to her, to finally have the opportunity to tell her she's unattached, to make sure she's  _ ok _ , but mostly that she really  **really** wants Holtz to stay. 

 

But she doesn't get the chance. 

 

Because Holtz avoids her, and she doesn't want to  _ push _ . 

 

Abby knows something is wrong, can read it between them as easily as if it was written across Erin's back but she doesn't push either. She just takes Erin's hand softly one afternoon and tells her that she's here, if she needs. 

 

She doesn't take Abby up on it though, not yet. She will, of things fall apart completely because she doesn't know that she'll be able to do it alone, but she wants to hold for now. 

 

Because this is their burden and no one else's. 

 

So she waits. 

 

 

-

 

 

She spends four nights alone in an empty house when the call comes through in the middle of the night.  

 

She grabs her phone sleepily off the bedside table, slurring a hello before Abby's worried voice cuts through her foggy sleep-addled head.

 

“I know it's the middle of the night but this sounds bad. I don't want to leave it until the morning.”

 

“Of course,” Erin says swinging her legs out of bed. “I’ll be at the firehouse in fifteen, ok? Is Holtz….”

 

“With Patty, they're on their way too. See you soon.”

 

 

-

 

 

They arrive at an old, grand two-storied house on the edge of town about half an hour later, and it looks lived in despite the fact that they can't find anyone there when they arrive. 

 

The windows on the bottom floor are smashed and the curtains blow eerily around the broken glass as they walk carefully through the front door. 

 

A passerby had reported seeing flashing green lights and screaming but had been too afraid to do more than wind their window down, so really they're going on as blind as they ever have. 

 

It's strange, the house, as they walk through it. Definitely not abandoned if the items scattered around the house mid-use are anything to go by. 

 

It looks to Erin like whoever was here left, or was taken, had done so with little or no warning. 

 

Abby walks in the front as always with Erin behind her, then Jillian, with Patty bringing up the rear. 

 

She's had little more than a head nod in acknowledgement from the blonde behind her, Holtz having already been waiting in the car when she and Abby had climbed into the back but she feels steadier now, a little less scared with Jillian at her back. 

 

Which is saying something because this house is creepy as hell and it's making Erin's skin crawl just being inside. 

 

“So we have no god-damn idea what's here, huh?” Patty says quietly as they move through the rooms downstairs. 

 

“No,” Abby says softly. “Other than that there should be people here according to city records, but there's clearly not.” 

 

They stop in a large sitting room, spreading out in a circle as they all take turns looking around the room for a sign of anything that might give them a clue as to what happened here. 

 

“I think we should split up,” Abby says wincing. “I don't really want to not knowing what we're up against but we've got the walkies.”

 

“Come on girl,” Patty says nodding to Holtz. “You and me can do downstairs while Erin and Abby go up.”

 

They all nod silently and Abby and Erin make their way up the staircase, a few steps creaking ominously beneath Erin's feet. 

 

“What do you think happened here?” Abby asks as they clear the landing at the top of the stairs. 

 

“If I had to guess,” Erin says quietly, wincing a little as they walk past a room with a rocking horse in it. “There were people here. A family maybe. And now there's not.”

 

“I thought we were lucky, not to have come across a disappearance yet. Guess our luck ran out, huh?”

 

“Yeah,” Erin says softly. “Us and whoever should be here too.”

 

They come to the end of the hallway with two bedroom doors across from each other and they nod at each other before separating off into each. 

 

Erin's room is dark and huge, clearly one of the master suites. The furniture is as grand and expensive looking as everything else in the house with a massive four poster bed in the middle of the room. 

 

It's empty though, as far as Erin can see, but then she smells something cold and sharp and she spins, gun up, to see a woman standing a foot or so away from her. 

 

Erin's hand moves to the radio at her chest, but the ghost is quicker. 

 

“Guys, I've got one. We're upsta….”

 

It's all she manages, because the ghost smiles, terrifying and clear and she reaches for Erin. 

 

Her fingers wrap around Erin's wrist, and then they're gone. 

 

 

-

 

 

She's not sure what makes her black out, the surprise at travelling through space or the actual physical impact of that movement, but she comes to groggily on the floor of an old root cellar. 

 

She's scared, terrified actually but the shock at the fact that travel like that is  _ possible _ is enough to distract her for about three seconds until she tries to move her hands. 

 

They're bound with some type of thick rope and it bites angrily at the bare skin of her wrists when she tries to move them, testing her range of motion. 

 

“It's no use.”

 

The voice is strong, and close, and Erin jumps almost clear off the floor in fright as her eyes strain in the darkness around the hammering of her heart. 

 

The ghost is young but she's  _ old _ too. 

 

Her dress is fine and grand and the light of the moon coming in through a crack in the structure somewhere above them throws a dance of light off the diamonds in her opalescent crown. 

 

“You won't get free,” the ghost says gesturing to Erin's hands with a nod of her head. “I’d save myself the pain, if I were you.”

 

“Who are you?” Erin says, trying to keep her voice calm, neutral. To give no clue as to how positively terrified she is. “What do you want?”

 

“Nothing,” she says shrugging her slight shoulders. “You've caused my kind so much trouble here lately, when you finally came I thought it only polite to return the favour.”

 

“You know about that?” Erin asks, puzzled. “You know about us?” 

 

“Of course we do.”

 

“Who's we?” Erin asks as a cold drop slides down over the rivulets of her spine. 

 

“We. Us. The great many.”

 

“How many?”

 

“Thousands and millions,” the ghost says calmly. “More than your human mind could comprehend. It doesn't matter though, you'll see for yourself soon.”

 

“Wait….” Erin says, the panic changing from quiet to violent in a second. “Wait, no. Please, you can't kill me.”

 

“Of course I can,” the woman says simply. “Not just yet perhaps, but in time.”

 

Her stomach feels like it's lined with quicksand and she's trying to think, to see some way out of this but she can't. 

 

Because she's too scared and her heart won't slow and all she can think of is the others. 

 

Thank god they're not here. Thank god they're safe. 

 

Thank god Holtz is safe. 

 

She takes a slow, deep breath, trying to keep the panic at bay and the tears behind her eyes as she looks around the room, her eyes a little more accustomed to the dark now. 

 

They're underground, that much is clear, and she suspects they're not too far from the main house but she won't risk screaming, not yet anyway. 

 

The space is bare apart from a few sparsely placed barrels and old broken tools and it's dim, lit only by the pricks of starlight filtering through outside and the glow from the woman a few feet away. 

 

“But there must be something you want?”

 

“There is nothing. I need nothing. I desire nothing.”

 

There must be something Erin thinks, desperately. There must be  _ something _ she wants. 

 

They'll be looking for her now, she thinks with a fresh stab of panic. She can picture the three of them combing the house, running through every room as she sits here helpless. 

 

The radio at her chest crackles with static and she realises with a jolt that it might still work, that it might still be on. 

 

“What's that?” The ghost asks curiously, floating closer to Erin. “Don't lie, dear. I'll know.”

 

Her eyes meet Erin's and she feels something prick behind her ears, and she's struck with the distinct feeling of someone trying to  _ get in. _

 

“A radio,” Erin says quietly. “It's a radio. We use them to talk to one another.”

 

“How peculiar,” the woman says floating closer. “Can they hear you now?”

 

“I don't think so,” Erin says honestly, shaking her head. “I think it short-circuited--sorry, stopped working--when you moved us.”

 

She nods, seemingly satisfied with the answer and she floats around Erin appraising her curiously. 

 

Erin takes the opportunity to look at her too. 

 

She is young, can't be older than her late twenties, although she carries the weight of regency easily across her shoulders. 

 

Her hair is dark and long and her eyes are sharp and dangerous as they meet Erin's. 

 

“You were a queen?” Erin asks curiously. 

 

“Yes,” the woman says nodding. “But not from this land. From far away, in another time too.”

 

“How did you get here?”

 

“I don't know,” the ghost says with a smile. “I was in the castle I died in one moment, and here, in this horrible time the next.”

 

“And you can move,” Erin asks, her scientific curiosity getting the better of her. “You can transport us? Have you done it before?”

 

“Of course,” the woman says nodding. “Where do you think the family that lived here went?”

 

“What did you do to them?” Erin asks, feeling suddenly  _ much _ colder and slightly sick. 

 

“Don't concern yourself with it,” she says smiling at Erin maliciously. “It'll only make it worse.”

 

“Can you go back? To where you came from?”

 

“No,” she says crossly, and Erin watches as her mood changes quicker than a heartbeat. “Do you think I would remain here if I had a choice?”

 

“I'm sorry,” Erin says quickly, trying to placate her. “I'm sorry, please. I'm just….I study things like that. It's what I do, it's my purpose.”

 

This seems to calm her a little and she glides away from Erin, sweeping around the edges of the room. 

 

“Who is the blonde?” The queen asks with a smile. “The one you keep thinking of?”

 

“What?” Erin asks, not managing to contain the surprise or fear in her voice. “How did you….?”

 

“I told you,” the ghost says evenly. “I  _ know _ .”

 

She holds Erin's gaze and there's a pressure at the base of her spine that's telling her to speak truthfully but she's afraid of what it'll mean if she does so she bites her tongue, and gives a half truth instead, careful to try and narrow her thoughts. 

 

“She's my colleague,” Erin says carefully. “And my room mate. We live together.”

 

“And that's all?” The ghost asks with a raised eyebrow. “I might be young but even I know a bond that strong when I see it. I saw how she looked to you when you separated to search for me. You love her?”

 

“She's my friend.”

 

“Don't lie,” she hisses, baring her canines. 

 

“It's not that simple.”

 

“Because she's a woman? It was not common in my time but it was there, in the shadows of people's secrets.”

 

“No. It's not that.”

 

“Why then?”

 

“You're about to kill me,” Erin says with a slight bite. “Why should I tell you anything?”

 

“Perhaps I'll take pity,” the Queen says casually. “If you tell me your story, perhaps I'll let you go instead. Back to your lover. I'm not truly heartless, and love is love my dear. True love is as rare as the stars, and that's what this tastes like to me. So tell me, for your life.”

 

“Fine,” Erin breathes. “Yes. I love her.”

 

It lifts like a weight off her back even as frightened as she is as she speaks the words. 

 

Because Erin had  _ thought _ before but she  **knows** now. 

 

“That is simple, is it not? What complicates things?”

 

“There are other people involved,” Erin says, seeing no point in trying to lie over this detail. “She's….there's another person.”

 

“Ahhhhh,” the ghost says understanding. “A tragic little love triangle. Shame. You want her, no? Regardless of this?”

 

“Yes,” Erin says meeting her eyes. “Always.”

 

“Good,” the ghost says and Erin watches in horror as her face changes. “I was hoping you'd say that. I want her to break when I take you, and she will now. Now she knows.”

 

“What?” Erin asks confused as the radio crackles to life again at her chest.  

 

She hears a murmured jumble of sounds and they're too rough to make out but if she strains she can just pick Jillian's panicked voice out of the static. 

 

“You think I'd really give you your life back?” She asks amused and Erin looks up to her quickly. “Never. I just wanted to make you say it, to make this as painful as I could.”

 

“Oh god,” Erin says as her stomach heaves in dread. “You're going to kill me anyway.”

 

“Of course,” the ghost says simply. “Now, let's go up into the moonlight shall we? I love the way it makes the blood  _ glisten _ .”

 

They don't actually get a chance though because she moment the last word leaves the ghost’s mouth Erin hears Abby’s voice ring out strongly above them. 

 

“Now Holtzmann.  _ Now _ .”

 

There's a muffled bang and the smell of something metallic and then storm doors are ripped open and Patty and Abby come in guns up as Holtz brings up the rear, moving between the other two. 

 

“Get away from her,” Abby says to the ghost fiercely. “Erin, are you ok?” 

 

“I'm fine,” Erin says, hot relief flooding through her body. 

 

“Yes,” the ghost says coolly. “She's fine for now. You've come just in time to see me take her apart.”

 

She disappears and re-materialises directly next to Erin, pulling her up by the throat easily into a standing position. 

 

“Stop,” the ghost says calmly, holding her hand out towards the others before looking directly at Holtz. “Or I'll snap that pretty neck you left such lovely  marks on.”

 

“Get your hands off her,” Holtz growls. 

 

It's low and dangerous and Erin can feel the anger and fear radiating off her from across the small space. 

 

Her eyes are such a clear blue and Erin wants so badly to reach for her, to fall into her arms, but she can't because the ghost’s hand tightens around her neck. 

 

“Erin, girl we ain't gonna let anything happen to you, alright?” Party says, looking quickly between Erin and Holtz. 

 

She tries to nod but it's useless because god, she's small but she's strong and really, Erin's lucky she still has two feet on the ground or this situation would be even more dire than it currently is. 

 

“What do you want?” Abby asks tightly. 

 

“I already told her,” she says gesturing to Erin. “Nothing. Death. Revenge for my disturbance. Chaos. Nothing you can give me, well nothing you'll hand me at least but I'll have it regardless.”

 

Erin struggles slightly against the vice grip as her vision starts to blur slightly at the edges. She thinks she'll have a minute or two before she loses consciousness, at most. 

 

“We could have done this the easy way, girl. But if you're not going to play we're gonna put you down,” Erin hears Patty say as her eyes flutter closed. 

 

“You can  _ try _ ,” the ghost says, her voice melodic and gleeful in the silence of night. 

 

“Holtz?” Abby says looking back to the blonde as she raises a strange looking gun Erin hasn't seen before. 

 

“Erin,” Jillian says quietly to her and her voice is strained, a timbre to it that Erin hasn't heard before. 

 

She's scared, Erin thinks with a jolt. 

 

“This is safe but I'm going to need you to close your eyes, ok?”

 

She trusts Jillian, probably more than she trusts anyone else on earth but she can't do anything more than stare back. 

 

She takes one last shallow breath, struggling around the fingers at her throat before she closes her eyes slowly. 

 

“Are you sure?” Patty says nervously somewhere in front of her. 

 

“We don't have a choice, Patty,” Abby says desperately before her voice hardens. “One last chance, lady. Are you going to move or do we have to make you?”

 

“There is nothing you can do to me beyond which I have already experienced. You know what's at stake.”

 

“Nothing's going to happen to her,” Holtz says shakily. 

 

Erin wishes she could be more confident but she doesn't think she'd see anything if she did open her eyes anymore and she wishes they'd  **hurry** . 

 

“Ready?”

 

“Ready. Erin keep your eyes closed, ok?”

 

The ghost growls next to her and the hand tightens as the voices around Erin start to get fuzzier and fuzzier. 

 

“Now baby, she doesn't look too good.”

 

She hears a crack like static electricity echo through the small space, and then she feels an immense pressure as a wave of something hits her square in the chest. 

 

The minuscule amount of breath she did have left rushes from her lungs as she falls, the room ebbing into silence. 

 

  
-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Erin, my love. I promise I'll make it up to you.
> 
> We're on the homeward stretch now everyone, two more chapters and an epilogue and then we're done!
> 
> x


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin and Jillian talk, and the clouds finally start to clear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say you're welcome and I'm sorry, again.....
> 
> Just read on, you'll understand.
> 
> x

-

 

 

Erin comes to with a headache set to sink a ship and she groans, rolling away from the light before soft hands pull her hands away from her face. 

 

She’s ok with the contact because the hands are warm and gentle, but then her brain catches up and she bolts upright looking quickly around her. 

 

“Easy Er, its ok. You're at home.”

 

It's Holtz, strained and stressed but here. 

 

She blinks a few times, her eyes growing accustomed to the darkness as she takes in her surroundings. 

 

She's in her bed with Jillian kneeling beside her while a slightly anxious looking nurse stands behind her. 

 

“They wanted to keep you in the hospital for the night but I managed to convince the ambulance to bring you home after the docs checked you over. They sent a nurse home with us to make sure everything was ok. That's that the light was,” Holtz explains gently, gesturing to the woman who waves a small torch in response. 

 

“I'm sorry,” Erin croaks, her hands flying to her neck in surprise before she remembers. 

 

“Try not to talk, ok?” Holtz says softly. “They said it'll be tender for a few days. You're ok though, Er. I promise.”

 

She nods, her eyes filling with tears inspite of herself as she leans back down into the soft covers of her bed.

 

“Is it ok if we finish taking your vitals?” The nurse asks quietly at Jillian's shoulder. “Then I can leave you and your friends to sleep.”

 

“Friends?” Erin says as softly as she can manage. 

 

“Abby and Patty are in the living room,” Holtz says with a wry smile. “They wouldn't leave until they knew you were awake again. Said we can barely be left alone without one of us almost dying lately so they wanted to make sure you were ok.”

 

Erin smiles before nodding to the nurse who checks her over before looking down at Erin gently with a smile. 

 

“I think you're going to be fine, Doctor Gilbert. That throat will be worse tomorrow but everything else looks good. You just need to rest now. I think your….friends will be more than capable of looking after you.”

 

Erin smiles and nods her thanks and the nurse puts her hand softly on Holtz’s arm before she's gone, leaving them both alone. 

 

Holtz is quiet as she leans against the doorframe of Erin's room with a little frown on her face. 

 

Erin gives her a glare, as if to say ‘what, like this is my fault’ before a smile breaks through the scowl and Holtz smiles begrudgingly back. 

 

“You scared the crap out of me, Gilbert. Again,” she says softly, looking down at her feet. 

 

She looks up to Erin after a moment and Erin can see her eyes a little foggy with tears. 

“I'm really glad you're ok,” she says sniffing lightly. 

 

Erin wants to reach out, to pull Jillian across the room by the quiet, invisible string that links both of their wrists but she doesn't. 

 

Because she knows Jillian will come at once, especially injured as she is, and Erin wants it to be her decision. 

 

She's rolling on the balls of her feet though, and Erin can tell she's  _ so close _ but she doesn't want to push either. 

 

And it's because it's so wildly unclear where they stand, and Erin's heart just aches because they're never going to  **live** if one of them doesn't make the jump. 

 

So she does. 

 

Erin extends her hand and she watches as Jillian's whole frame lifts. 

 

She takes a step, a small shy smile on her lips towards Erin, which of course is the perfect time for Abby and Patty to come in behind her. 

 

She could cry, or laugh, but the two of them look so worried she forgives them in an instant and just smirks slightly at Holtz as Abby comes to take Erin's hand gently. 

 

“I'm damn glad you're ok baby,” Patty says with a deep sigh at the doorway, her arm slung around Holtz’s shoulders. “You gotta stop scaring us like this, alright?”

 

Erin nods, a little teary at the emotion in Patty’s voice and she blows her a kiss across the room. 

 

“Come on you,” Patty says down to Holtz. “Let's give these two a sec, huh?”

 

Jillian looks to Erin and she nods softly before moving at Patty’s gentle insistence. 

 

Abby waits until they're away from the door before she turns to Erin and speaks softly. 

 

“She loves you. You know that, don't you?” 

 

Erin nods, squeezing Abby’s hand in response. 

 

“You love her too?”

 

Erin nods again, her eyes filling with tears properly now. 

 

“You're going to talk to her?” Abby asks quietly before laughing softly. “Well, as much as you can.”

 

Erin reaches up to wipe away a stray tear from her own cheek as she nods again. 

 

“I'm really proud of you, you know Erin. Really proud. I think you'll make each other really happy.”

 

Abby leans down, placing a quick kiss to Erin's forehead before she stands up to leave. 

 

“You two will be ok here? You don't need us?”

 

Erin shakes her head and smiles as Abby smiles softly back. 

 

“Abby,” Erin says with a harsh croak. “Thank you. And I love you too, you know that right?”

 

It's slow and it hurts like hell but it's worth it because she's so damn lucky to have Abby here with her, after everything they've been through together. 

 

“I love you too, Er,” Abby says gently. “Now, get some rest ok?”

 

Patty comes in quickly after that, squeezing Erin's hand softly. She doesn't say anything about Jillian but Erin knows she knows something, and somehow her silence is affirmation and approval at once. 

 

Abby and Patty do one last check over the both of them, leaving them with promises to call any time if they need anything, and then they're gone, leaving Erin and Holtz alone at last. 

 

She stands at the door to Erin's room for a while, hanging a little uncertain before Erin smiles bright and Holtz walks over slowly. 

 

She's nervous, Erin can tell by the bend in her body. 

 

And she gets it. Because they've established they want to be in the same room as each other, but beyond that Erin has no idea what Jillian's thinking or where  she is in her head. 

 

Or if she's still in a relationship, Erin remembers with a cold jolt. 

 

Holtz moves to the end of the bed before stopping at Erin's side. 

 

“Can I?” The blonde asks nervously, gesturing to the bed. 

 

“Of course,” Erin says voice gravelly, wincing slightly as she speaks. 

 

This is going to hurt like hell, Erin thinks with a grimace and they could put this off until morning on the off chance that she's a little better but she knows neither of them can wait. 

 

“Er, I know it hurts to talk. I can wait, this whole thing can wait, ok?”

 

“It can't,” Erin says slowly, kindly. “We've spent too long in the dark already and I need some light. Don't you?”

 

Holtz nods, and Erin can feel the nerves rolling off her. 

 

“Jill,” Erin says, taking a breath that makes her chest ache a little before Holtz cuts her off. 

 

“Let me,” Holtz says, softly. “Please? Let me go first?”

 

Erin nods, and she wants so badly to take Jillian's hand but she doesn't want to spook her so she entwines her own fingers instead. 

 

Holtz watches them, transfixed for a minute before she takes a deep breath of her own and looks Erin in the eye. 

 

“We broke up.”

 

It's simple and short and maybe the most beautiful thing Erin's ever heard in her entire life. 

 

“Why,” Erin asks quietly. “When?”

 

“The morning after,” Holtz says simply. 

 

“But you stayed away?” Erin says confused. “Why didn't you come back?”

 

“Because I left you, Er,” Holtz says, her voice strained. “Because I was a royal asshole and whether we should or shouldn't have, we had the most incredible night together and I left you because I panicked. I thought you'd be furious at me, or upset. Or both. So I stayed away, wanted to give you space to calm down and process while I tried to think of a way to fix it, or time for you to decide you didn't want me to come home.”

 

She wants to jump in, stop Jillian in her tracks and let her know that all of this is moot because she's wanted her, wanted  _ this _ all along, and anger hasn't crossed her mind for a second. 

 

But she doesn't, because she knows Holtz needs this, needs to exorcise the guilt and pain and sadness from her chest more than Erin actually needs to hear it, to heal. 

 

She waits, sure Jillian isn't going to add anything else just yet before she speaks. 

 

“And now?” She asks Holtz softly. “What changed?”

 

“I almost lost you,” Holtz says and Erin can feel the fear and pain as fresh as the bruise across her throat. “I almost lost you,  _ again _ .”

 

She's shaking a little so Erin does reach out then, because she can't watch Jillian in this much pain without doing something. 

 

Holtz takes her hand gratefully, like a lifeline. She takes Erin's hand with a gentility that makes Erin want to sob because it feels like she's trying to remember what this feels like as she prepares for a life without it. 

 

“Loyalty means everything to me Erin, but I realised I wasn't doing it right. It's crippled me these last six months but I didn't realise how much it was crippling other people too. So I let go, as soon as I realised that.”

 

I let go of  _ her _ , Erin hears in the silence that follows. 

 

“I don't know where you stand with your relationship but watching you with that woman's hands around your neck, nothing else matters to me Erin. Nothing else but you. And your happiness. Your safety.”

 

Holtz pauses for a second to clear her throat and Erin can imagine how thick it must be because hers is almost cloying.  

 

“My pride doesn't matter and I don't know if you hate me or never want to see me again, and I wish I had time to plan some grand gesture to tell you how much I love you and make everything up to you but I ran out of time. Because after all this time waiting, I wanted you to know where I stood before another second passed us by. I wanted to tell you where I was in this. And if you'll listen, if you'll have me stay, I'll do anything to make the consequences of my actions up to you.”

 

“You love me?” Erin says with wide, nervous eyes and a loaded heart. 

 

“Of  _ course _ I do Erin,” Holtz says with the most beautiful sigh Erin has ever heard. “From the moment I met you, I think.”

 

“You thought I'd be mad at you?” Erin asks again. 

 

“Of course,” Holtz says laughing a little hollowly before she pauses at Erin's soft expression. “Aren't you? I've been messing with our feelings for weeks Er.  _ Months _ , even. I thought you'd hate me.”

 

“I could never hate you Jill,” Erin says firmly. “Ever.”

 

She watches as Jillian's shoulders drop then and she starts to cry, the relief moving off her almost enough to interrupt the rhythm of Erin's heart. 

 

“I broke it off too,” Erin says quietly, squeezing Jillian's hand within her own. “The same day.”

 

She can hear Holtz’s breath catch in her throat as the words brush past Erin's lips, and she looks at Erin with crystal blue eyes. 

 

“It was never him, Jill,” Erin says smiling as she brings Holtz’s knuckles high enough to kiss. 

 

“It was you. It's always been you.”

 

She pushes herself up with her spare hand so she can move closer to Jillian and she untangles their fingers to run her thumbs along the line of Jillian's jaw. 

 

“And I love you too. Probably for as long.”

 

Holtz laughs, a quick watery half-hiccup and Erin beams in response. 

 

“Can I….?”

 

“Yes,” Erin breathes, winding her hands in Jillian's hair. “Yes, yes, yes, yes.”

 

Jillian's lips are soft, and there's nothing behind her kiss this time but them. 

 

There's no guilt. No hesitation, no worry or fear, just them, and the echo of their lives ahead of them. 

 

“Wait,” Holtz says pushing lightly at Erin's shoulders. “If I don't ask this now I'm not going to be able to because  _ god _ ,  _ Erin _ all I want to do is kiss every inch of skin I can get to.” 

 

Erin bows a little into the space Jillian's put between them and really all she wants to do is say  _ ‘please touch me and don't stop until we both scream’ _ but she knows Holtz wouldn't have stopped unless is was important, because she's almost shaking with need. 

 

“I want to make sure we're on the same page Er, because I've fucked this communication stuff up so badly so far, and I need that to stop. I need to be better.”

 

“We both need to be better,” Erin says softly. “We're in this together Jill, always.”

 

Holtz looks up at Erin with a smile that would put the moonrise to shame, and she nods before continuing. 

 

“I'm available, you're available. I love you, you love me. Correct?”

 

“Well,” Erin says shrugging a little. “I was kind of hoping you'd take me off the market. But if you don't  _ want _ too….”

 

“You're exhausting,” Holtz says with a heavy roll of her eyes but she's smiling wide. 

 

“You haven't seen anything yet,” Erin says with a smirk. 

 

“Seriously though,” Holtz says, her face clearing back to a nervous neutral. “Erin Gilbert, will you do me the pleasure and honour of being my girlfriend? Exclusively. Starting from about ten minutes ago.”

 

“Yes, Jill. Yes,” Erin says, clearly and without hesitation. “God, do you realise how pain free this whole thing would have been if we'd just talked like adults?”

 

“Hindsight’s a grade-A bitch, huh?” Holtz laughs as she turns Erin's hand in her own. 

 

“Promise me you won't go dark again, ok?” Erin says nervously. “Talk to me if you're angry or sad or whatever, ok? No more disappearing.”

 

“Of course,” Holtz says, placing a kiss on Erin's palm. “I know that was a dick move, I was just so….”

 

“It's ok,” Erin says quickly. “It's ok, we both were. It's different now, we're us ok? Not half versions of ourselves.”

 

Jillian's quiet for a second and Erin's about to ask what's wrong when she finally speaks up. 

 

“We could hear everything, you know. When she had you down in the cellar. Your radio was on the whole time. That's how we found you actually, I put a GPS dot in them when I rebuilt them. Anyway, I guess I kind of cheated a little because I knew you told her you loved me.”

 

“Oh god,” Erin breathes. 

 

And it's not that she heard, that's perfect actually because now she knows exactly how deep Erin wants her, how much Erin  _ loves _ her. 

 

It's that she had to listen, to what could have very well been the last moments of Erin's life. 

 

“I would have done anything Erin, put myself in front of  _ whatever _ was threatening you but I didn't know if we’d make it in time….”

 

She breaks off and Erin can feel the thickness in the sound of her voice, and she can't imagine how heartbreaking that would have been because the thought of the reverse makes her want to smash everything breakable in a five-mile radius. 

 

“It's ok,” Erin says softly, bring her lips to Jillian's jaw and cheek before finding her lips finally. “It's ok. You did. You did and we never have to be alone again, ok? I promise. I'll be at your side forever Jill, as long as you'll have me.”

 

“It was the worst thing I've ever listened to but it freed me,” Holtz says leaning into Erin's touch. “I knew what I wanted. What mattered. Finally.”

 

Erin leans in again, kisses Holtz firmer and she feels a shift crawl across both of them then. 

 

“You and me?” Erin asks against Jillian's lips. 

 

It's a simple question, one she already knows the answer too, now.  _ Finally _ . But she wants to hear the confirmation fall from Jillian's mouth as much as she wants her body. 

 

“You and me,” Holtz says, nodding as a tear rolls down her cheek. 

 

The string that's floated around them for months settles, ties itself into a bow made of love and steel and drapes itself weightlessly over their bodies like a union. 

 

“Tell me something,” Erin says, catching the drop on her fingertip before bringing it to her mouth. 

 

“What kind of thing?” Holtz asks with a small smile. 

 

“Anything,” Erin says a little coyly.

 

Holtz frowns for a moment as she thinks before Erin watches a light move behind her eyes and she moves a little closer. 

 

“The smell of your perfume is my favourite smell in the world. Better than solder or cinnamon on hot chocolate,” Holtz says leaning in to kiss Erin's pulse point. “And I could feel you around my fingers for days after we….”

 

Erin blushes as Jillian brings her hands up to tilt Erin's head back gently, giving her better access to the soft tender skin at her throat. 

 

It's incredible to her, how quickly they can heat for each other. Only this time she can actually  _ do _ something about it, and not sit on her hands and wait until she can moan into the dark instead. 

 

“God Erin, you were exquisite,” Holtz says against her neck. “You  _ are _ exquisite.”

 

“I could feel you too,” Erin says with a gasp as Holtz’s teeth nip lightly. “I couldn't sit still for days without remembering what it felt like to have you inside….”

 

She breaks off then, the words falling into an abyss along with her ability to comprehend anything beyond the two of them, because Holtz is using her teeth and her tongue now and she's pushing Erin back into the couch, her hands moving to Erin's hips. 

 

Her thumbs run along the small strip of skin and she looks up to Erin with heavy eyes. 

 

“Can I….?”

 

“Yes,” Erin says, rolling her body up into Jillian's hands. “I'm yours Jill,  _ please _ .”

 

Holtz smiles in response, her blue eyes sparkling as she slides her hands slowly beneath Erin's top to run across her stomach. 

 

“I don't know where to start,” Holtz says as she pushes Erin's top up before leaning down to kiss the newly revealed skin. “There's so much I've…. _ God _ , Erin….so much I've dreamed about doing to you. With you.”

 

“You think you're the only one?” Erin moans as Holtz pushes her top up and over the swell of her breasts and Erin feels the blonde shudder at her words. 

 

“Tell me,” Holtz whispers against her diaphragm. “Tell me everything Erin. I want to know  _ everything _ .”

 

“Later,” Erin says around a gasp. “I promise, I just can't think when you do that,  _ Jesus _ .”

 

Holtz smiles against the fabric of Erin's bra, her teeth grazing over Erin's nipple lightly. 

 

Her hands run up Erin's sides again and she arches her back off the couch so Holtz can pull her top off and over her head before she tosses it behind her. 

 

“I want to take you to bed,” Holtz says as her thumbs smooth over the lines of her ribs. “I want to do this properly. I want to take my time.”

 

Erin rolls her hips then, and she moves up into Holtz's arms with one long smooth movement, Jillian perched on her lap. 

 

“What's stopping you?” Erin says with a smirk, winding her hands in Holtz's hair and pulling lightly. 

 

“Not a damn thing,” Jillian says smiling as she moves, taking Erin by the hand. 

 

  
-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really, I am sorry. I had to break the chapter somewhere though! And this is the second update in two days, and at least they're on the same page now so don't be mad!
> 
> One chapter to go before the epilogue, I wonder what it'll be all about given the way this ended....
> 
> x
> 
> p.s I keep forgetting but feel free to pop by and say hi on [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com/) or via email - tiger-lo@outlook.com


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin and Jillian finally come together, breathlessly, beautifully unattached.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome. No sorry this time...
> 
> x

-

 

 

True to her word, Holtz takes her time. 

 

They move across the apartment slowly, bending over and around every piece of furniture they can before Jillian finally presses her down into the softness of  her bed. 

 

She's still wearing her bra and her pants, and Holtz is fully clothed which she's not pleased about at all. 

 

“Off,” she says, smiling as she tugs Holtz's top off and over her head when she leans back to look at Erin. “I want to see you too.”

 

“Piece for piece?” Holtz asks with a smirk, her hands settling at the waist of Erin's pants as she hovers over Erin's hips. 

 

“Please,” Erin says with a moan as Jillian's fingers run across the buckle easily before she slips off the end of the bed to kneel between Erin's legs and pulls the fabric off achingly slowly. 

 

Erin's up on her elbows as soon as they're off, her own hands slipping a little shakingly over the button of Holtz's. 

 

“Easy, Er,” she says soothingly. “We've got time. We've got so much time now.”

 

“I know,” Erin says laughing a little. “God, I feel like a nervous teenager.”

 

“You think I don't?” Holtz says with a smile. “My heart's going like a drum in my chest. Feel.”

 

She pulls Erin's hand away from her waist to cover her heart, and Erin bites her lip at the pounding she can feel beneath her fingertips. 

 

“I didn't think you'd get nervous,” Erin says with a little smile. “I thought you'd be so sure.”

 

“I am,” Holtz says easily. “I've never been surer of anything but that's why I'm nervous. I mean, it's  _ you _ Erin. How could I not be?”

 

“Me? But I'm just….”

 

“Beautiful? Highly intelligent? Ridiculously mouthwatering without a top on?”

 

She blushes and drops her head because no one other than Jillian Holtzmann has ever said things like this to her, and she's not sure what to do with them. 

 

“You're everything Erin.  _ Everything _ . And I'm going to spend the rest of my life showing you that.”

 

She pulls Holtz to her then, pulls their bodies flush as she winds her arms around Jillian's shoulders and settles her lips in the crook of her neck. 

 

They breathe together for a minute, the heat of the moment slowing but deepening for the pause. 

 

“I've thought about you, everywhere,” Erin says into the warm of her neck like a secret. “ _ Everywhere _ .”

 

“Really?” Holtz says pulling back in surprise. “Erin Gilbert, golden girl has been thinking about  _ me _ ? I don't believe it.”

 

She's never been overtly confident sexually but there's something in the way that Jillian  **wants** her that makes her  _ sure _ where she's only ever been uncertain. 

 

She blushes because Jillian's lips are sliding over her pulse and just because Erin's sure doesn't mean she's not nervous, but she shifts anyway. 

 

She draws confidence in the arousal she can feel peeling off the blonde, changes the way she holds herself against Holtz's body in the next second, bending  sinuously around her. 

 

Jillian feels it too and her hands squeeze slightly at the flesh at Erin's hips. 

 

“You have no idea,” Erin whispers into her ear as her hands run up the bare skin of Jillian's back. “On the couch, in the back of the car, on your desk….”

 

“Jesus Erin,” Holtz says around a shiver as Erin rakes her nails down the line of her spine. 

 

“Over your desk….tied to the bed frame….”

 

That's it. 

 

That's the breaking point, and Holtz growls against her as she moves, pulling away quickly to rid herself of her pants before she pushes Erin back on the bed. 

 

“We are going to do it  _ all _ ,” Holtz says heavily as she kisses her way up Erin's body, over her stomach and chest before she draws Erin in for a long, hot kiss. 

 

“Every single thing. Especially the bed thing, I want to do  _ that _ twice.”

 

“Do you really think twice will be enough?” Erin asks with a groan as Holtz pushes her bra up and over her breasts so she can get to the skin beneath. 

 

“No,” Jillian says easily before she draws the skin between her teeth, leaving a beautiful bruise in its wake. “I don't think it's ever going to be enough.”

 

“Good,” Erin says as she arches up into Jillian's arms, her hands moving to wind themselves in the blonde’s hair as she starts a little trail of purple and red across Erin's chest. 

 

Words become obsolete then, because she doesn't need them anymore. 

 

Holtz moves across her body like she can read Erin's mind and Erin can feel the blood under her skin crackle like electricity under Jillian's touch. 

 

She rids Erin of her bra first, then drags Erin's underwear from her legs with her teeth before she settles between them, pressing kisses to the inside of Erin's thighs. 

 

She looks to Erin, her eyes black and heavy as she nips lightly and Erin wiggles beneath her. 

 

“Ready?” Holtz asks with a smirk as she blows a low breath over Erin's core. 

 

“Yes,” Erin gasps as she tries to keep her hips still. “God, can't you tell?” 

 

“Yes,” Jillian says teasingly as she presses her lips closer and closer. “But words are  _ so _ much better sometimes.”

 

“Please,” Erin moans, pride and vanity gone with the last of their clothes. “Jill, please touch me or I think I might die.”

 

“My pleasure,” Holtz says as her mouth settles firm and hot over Erin, and Erin's vision just goes white. 

 

Holtz's tongue moves firm and strong over Erin and her hands wind around Erin's thighs as she pulls Erin closer to her, moaning around Erin's core when her hips chase the attention of her mouth. 

 

Erin's hands wind firmer into blonde hair loose against the pins that normally hold it back, and her grip tightens when Jillian's tongue pushes inside. 

 

It's enough that Holtz pulls away with a gasp and Erin winces, apologising quickly before Jillian shakes her head and resumes. 

 

“No, I love it,” Holtz says with a gasp. “Hold me where you like me. Pull harder if you need. I can take it.”

 

Erin doesn't push it, careful not to actually hurt her but she does take a note of the way Jillian bends back slightly into her touch when she does drag her nails against her scalp a little firmer.

 

And god, it's  _ incredible _ . 

 

Jillian's mouth is insistent, like she's drawing breath from Erin herself rather than the air around it, and it's not long before Erin's shaking, falling to pieces with her first release. 

 

They shift after a while, Erin pulling Jillian up her body after her breathing calms. 

 

She moves to roll them, to climb on top of Jillian and flex her fingers around creamy white skin but Holtz stops her, pinning Erin down with her hands holding Erin's above her head. 

 

“I'm  _ far _ from being done with you,” Holtz says with a low smile as she leans in to capture Erin's lips against her own again. 

 

“But….” Erin says confused. “You….?”

 

“I can wait,” Holtz says easily. “I've been waiting for this for months Erin. Months.  _ Please _ ?”

 

The sincerity in Jillian's voice stops Erin in her tracks because she sounds so earnest, so genuine, it almost brings tears to her eyes. 

 

“Go on then,” Erin says instead, meeting Jillian's eyes with a diamond steady connection. “Show me what you've been dreaming of. And then I'll show you too.”

 

 

-

 

 

Jillian worships her. 

 

There isn't any other way to describe the next hour of Erin's life. 

 

It's hot and slow, and then fast, and then a little dirty, but it's worship nonetheless. 

 

She holds Erin against the bed with the weight of her body first, almost like she's trying to keep them tethered to the earth. Which is appropriate because Erin feels like her bones are made of something lighter than air, and Jillian's the only thing keeping her from floating away. 

 

Because it doesn't feel real, it's that good. 

 

It was good the first time, before, but this is different. 

 

Because they know the bodies between and around and inside them are theirs now, and no one else's. 

 

 

-

 

 

They're both bare now and Holtz pushes Erin down into the mattress and rocks her hips against Erin's while her hands wrap perfectly around her wrists. 

 

Erin's gasping, desperately trying to suck in a full breath but she can't, because they're moving heavily against each other, putting everything they have behind each roll of their bodies and it feels so different, so intimate and so fucking  _ good _ . 

 

Erin comes hard, her orgasm catching her by surprise like a blow to the chest. 

 

It's deep and it rolls from her core outwards, melting through to her fingertips as they flex beneath Jillian's grip. 

 

Holtz falls too, just as she's coming down about ten seconds later, the waves melting through her abdomen as Holtz collapses on her chest. 

 

“Jesus,” Holtz murmurs against the swell of her breast. “I didn't think that was actually possible.”

 

“Me either,” Erin laughs as she feels Holtz breathe heavily on top of her. 

 

Erin takes advantage of the momentary lethargy to finally reverse their positions. 

 

“Hey,” Holtz objects as Erin slides a thigh between hers. “No fair. I'm not done.”

 

“Later,” Erin says with a smirk. “I want my turn.”

 

She's a little nervous because it's not like she's rolling in experience, but she knows the effect she seems to have on Jillian and that's enough to set a line at her back to push against. 

 

“Tell me what you like?” Erin asks as she leans in to press a kiss to the blonde's collarbone. 

 

“That,” Holtz replies, her eyes fluttering closed against Erin's touch. 

 

“Jill,” Erin pushes. “Please?”

 

“Everything Erin. With you, everything. Just touch me. That's all I need.”

 

It's wildly unhelpful but she's reacting so beautifully to Erin already she thinks there can only be truth in what Jillian's saying. 

 

She wants to be good though, incredible, because she's nothing if not the consummate perfectionist and she will take Jillian Holtzmann apart as thoroughly as she has done to Erin, even if it takes her all night. 

 

She takes Jillian's hands, holds them above her head loosely with one of her own as the other hand runs down the inside of the blonde's arm, over the bump of each rib leaving a trail of goosebumps in her wake. 

 

It's delicious to watch and Erin wants to see it again so she brings the other hand down too, mirrors the action and watches as Holtz starts to writhe beneath her. 

 

She's wet, Erin can feel as much on her thigh before she finds it with her fingers, has the evidence of it between her own legs, so her hand slides easily over desperate heat and Holtz can't stop the jump of her hips at the first touch. 

 

“Are you always this….”

 

“Sensitive?” Holtz asks around the flat of her palm she's holding between her teeth to stop moaning the walls down. “Never. I told you Erin, you just have to touch me and this happens.”

 

It's  _ tantalising _ , knowing she has this much power at the edges of her own body over someone else's, so she leans in and  **gives** . 

 

 

-

 

 

Jillian is wonderfully expressive, Erin learns. 

 

She has a smoothness to her that reminds Erin of a dancer, and she draws out her own movements to watch the blonde’s muscles pull and turn. 

 

She lights up like lightning across the night's sky when Erin slides inside her, the bones in her back cracking like thunder as she arches long. 

 

And Erin  _ learns _ . 

 

She takes note of what makes her shudder and moan, and what makes her faint. 

 

Because last time Erin had been trying to watch, to sear creamy white skin into her memory, but now she gets to play. 

 

She pulls the first orgasm from Jillian with her fingers, the second with her tongue, and the third with both. 

 

Erin moves them, has Holtz on her back first, and then in her lap, and then stomach down with Erin's hand tight in the space between them, stroking her to release with her teeth at the blonde's shoulder. 

 

And Jillian is so wonderfully pliant, gives herself over to Erin wholly and completely and Erin  _ takes _ . 

 

She absorbs Jillian's moans through her skin and gives them back with her lips and her hands, and it's beautiful. 

 

“One more,” Erin says to her breast sometime in the early morning. “I want one more, Jill. Please.”

 

“You too,” Holtz says pushing Erin's hair behind her ear before she leans up and takes the love between her teeth. “I want one more from you too.”

 

So she pushes down and Jillian arches up and they go, slowly, one last time. 

 

 

-

 

 

Every muscle in her body aches, the lines of her forearm screaming when she falls down with a gasp next to Holtz, folding easily to her side. 

 

Jillian is breathing heavily too, although she pushes herself up on an elbow to look down at Erin with a slightly curious look on her face. 

 

“That whole ‘this is my first time with a woman’ was rubbish, right?”

 

“Of course not,” Erin says mildly offended. 

 

“I mean, if you don't count the first time we….” Holtz says clarifying. 

 

“No,” Erin says shaking her head as she runs her hand up and down Jillian's arm. “Why?”

 

“Because you're damn good for a first timer, Gilbert. I'm a lucky girl.”

 

“Really?” Erin asks shyly. 

 

“Yes,” Holtz says firmly. “Very very lucky. I would have told you before, if I hadn't been such an asshole and left you in bed alone. I am sorry, Er. Truly. I've never regretted anything in my life but I regretted that. Leaving you.”

 

“You didn't regret what we did?” Erin asks quietly, a little scared. 

 

“No,” Holtz says firmly. “I regret any pain it caused, but I could never regret that. Never.”

 

“Me neither,” Erin says bringing their hands together before she presses a kiss to Jillian's knuckles. 

 

“I think it's you, you know,” Erin says after a moment. “It's us. I feel like I just know what you want, or my body does at least. There's no other way I'd know how to do any of that.”

 

“Really?” Holtz says with a smile. “You didn't do any research?”

 

“What?” Erin says with a frown. “Porn, you mean?”

 

“Oh, Erin. Only you could look embarrassed about watching porn after having a woman every which way for hours,” Holtz says with a little laugh. “We've got  _ so _ much to do together, you and I.”

 

“You'll show me?” Erin says rolling onto Jillian's chest.

 

“Everything,” Holtz says as she pulls her in for a deep kiss. “I'll show you everything.”

 

 

-

 

 

They wake sometime in the late mid morning, sleepy and a little clumsy with tired limbs draped over each other. 

 

Erin's throat feels like someone lit a fire in it that burned for a week but she can't find it in herself to regret not just resting for a second, because Jillian Holtzmann is lying naked in bed next to her, pretty purple bruises scattered randomly across her décolage and she rolls over and kisses Erin soundly awake. 

 

“How are you feeling,” Holtz asks softly, her fingers moving to stroke Erin's neck gently. 

 

“Terrible,” Erin says honestly. “Wonderful, but terrible.”

 

“Tea?” Holtz asks with a worried look. 

 

“Please,” Erin says nodding as she smiles softly. “Do you mind? Sorry, I'm not normally a morning-after princess, I promise.”

 

“Er,” Holtz says seriously as she wraps a blanket around her naked body as she rolls out of bed. “I’d make you a four course dinner in bed if you asked, ok? A cup of tea is nothing.”

 

Erin just smiles in response because her throat really is killing her. Holtz moves then, the only noise in the apartment her gentle humming and the swish of her blanket across the wooden floorboards. 

 

She comes back with a cup of something that smells vaguely of lemon and honey and a handful of painkillers, settling gently next to Erin. 

 

She takes a sip, her eyes closing as she sighs in relief at the feeling of it before she swallows the pills and holds the tea with both hands, turning to a slightly  nervous looking Holtz. 

 

“Is everything ok?” Erin asks after another sip, the burn a little less. 

 

“I uh….” Holtz says running her hands through her hair, down around her shoulders. “I just wanted to make sure you were ok. With everything that happened last night. I kind of realised I jumped your bones after a potentially traumatic experience and I'm so sorry Erin, I….”

 

Erin silences her with a kiss, pulling her close with one hand by the front of the sheet bunched between Jillian's breasts. 

 

“I love you,” Erin says clearly, looking Holtz in the eye. “And like I said last night, I regret nothing ok? Except maybe that we had to have this conversation because I obviously wasn't clear about the extent of my feelings last night, or you wouldn't need to ask me that.”

 

“No,” Holtz says shaking her head quickly. “No, Er it's not you.”

 

She laughs lightly before turning to Erin with bright blue eyes. 

 

“It just feels like a dream,” Holtz says with a blinding smile. “I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn't still sleeping.”

 

“I don't think I'd be this sore it was a dream,” Erin says with a wry smile. “But no, you're not. Ok? I also don't think Dream Erin would be this un-sexy.”

 

“I think you're doing better than you think you are,” Holtz says with a smile that reaches her eyes. 

 

“Yeah?” Erin asks with a raised eyebrow. 

 

“Yeah,” Holtz says nodding. “Drink up buttercup, and then I'll show you what I should have the first time I woke up with you.”

 

 

-

 

 

They laze in bed for a few hours after, resting and kissing lazily until Erin rolls over and picks up her phone. 

 

“No work today,” Holtz says with a narrowed eye. “Or for the rest of the week. Doctor’s orders.”

 

“I wasn't….” Erin tries before she laughs and ducks her reddened cheeks. “I feel like some fresh air though, could we walk by the firehouse and say hi? I could use a few things if I'm going to be banned for a few days.”

 

“I'll happily ban myself with you, if that helps?” Holtz asks, shuffling into Erin's side. 

 

“Would you?” Erin asks with a smile. “You wouldn't get bored here without your tools?” 

 

“Erin, baby,” Holtz says earnestly. “I have you. How could I possibly get bored? Have I ever been bored around you before?”

 

Erin pauses, actually thinks about it before she smiles and shakes her head. 

 

“You know,” Erin says surprised. “I don't think you have.”

 

“You're the first thing I've ever had in my life that just helps make things….calm,” Holtz says a little shyly. “I couldn't imagine sitting still all day before, but I can do it quite happily if you're next to me now.”

 

“I promise I'll make it fun,” Erin says with a smile, her cheeks flushing a little as Jillian's eyes go a bit wider at the insinuation. 

 

“You got yourself a deal, Gilbert,” Holtz says leaning in to kiss her quickly. “Now, what do you say we test out how big your shower is, huh?”

 

 

-

 

 

The walk in to the firehouse is slow because Erin really is exhausted, but they hold hands the entire time and Erin doesn't think she's ever felt lighter in her life. 

 

Holtz moves to drop their hands as they walk through the front doors but Erin holds firm, squeezing a little. 

 

“We don't need to hide, Jill,” she says, and she's surprised at how easily the realisation comes to her, that this is ok and she's fine with revealing that to the others. 

 

“Sure?” Holtz asks carefully, watching Erin with kind eyes. 

 

“Positive,” Erin says before she pulls them through the door with a smile. 

 

“Morning lovebirds,” Patty says with a smile, breaking the ice as soon as they walk in. 

 

“How did you….” Erin says a little confused before Patty levels her with a look that says ‘I might not have said anything but I'm not stupid, girl’ and Erin laughs softly before looking to Abby. 

 

“We’re very happy for you two,” Abby says with an earnestness in her voice that makes Erin want to cry and she takes a long, deep breath because it's  _ ok _ , everything is ok now. 

 

It's ok because Jillian is solid at her side, quiet but firm, and her hand is warm and her grip is strong and Erin feels so beautifully centred. 

 

“Now, I don't want to have to make rules about inappropriate conduct in this building but I will if I have to, you hear me?” Patty says with a seriousness that  makes Erin smile again. 

 

“I think we'll be able to keep our hands to ourselves,” Erin says with a solemn nod. 

 

“Hey, speak for yourself,” Holtz says with a smirk. 

 

“ _ Anyway _ ,” Abby says loudly, changing topic before she turns to Erin. “What are you guys doing here? You should be in bed resting.”

 

“I needed some fresh air,” Erin says, rubbing at her throat softly. “And I thought I'd get some things to do while I'm at home for the rest of the week.”

 

“Good,” Patty says with a nod. “Because we want you to rest up baby, work don't matter for now ok? Plus, I think you've got a damn good nurse with you there too.”

 

“I know,” Erin says, smiling at Patty's thoughtfulness, squeezing Holtz's hand again. “Did you want to go and grab some stuff?”

 

“Oh,” Holtz says, dragging her eyes away from Erin to meet her eyes. “Yeah, sure.”

 

She spins, kissing Erin's hand before she makes her way up the stairs. 

 

“Imma go make sure she doesn't blow herself up before y’all head home,” Patty says trudging up the stairs behind her, leaving Erin and Abby alone. 

 

Erin smiles, a small almost shy smile before Abby walks over to her. 

 

“You talked?” Abby says with a smirk, pulling at the neck of Erin's top gently to reveal a piece of Holtz's handiwork. 

 

Erin swats her hand away softly and they both laugh before she leans back against the desk, looking at Abby again. 

 

“Yeah,” Erin says nodding softly. “We did.”

 

She could elaborate, tell Abby the whole story from start to finish but they have time for that. Abby knows that she's happy, that they're happy and that's enough for now. 

 

“Good,” Abby says simply, smiling around the edges. “I really am proud of you Erin.”

 

And it means  _ everything _ because Abby has known her the longest, knows her the best. Better than her parents, better than Jillian, for now at least, and she knows how heavy a burden the fear that lives in Erin's chest is. 

 

She knows how hard it's hands curve around the delicacies of Erin's body and strangle, and she knows what Erin has conquered to get here, now. 

 

“I love you,” Erin says suddenly, simply. 

 

Because she does, and this new chapter of her life will be filled with love so why hesitate to begin to fill it. 

 

Abby softens, surprised by the sound in Erin's voice and she moves, pulling Erin gently to her for a brief hug. 

 

She's the sister Erin never had, yes, but the mother and the father too, and her approval and kindness means more than Erin could ever articulate with words. 

 

“Love you too Er,” Abby says with a muffled voice before she pulls away gently, steadying Erin with hands on her shoulders. 

 

“Now, where's that girl of yours? You're starting to look a little peaky.”

 

“That's me, right?” Holtz says with a wide smile as she appears at the top of the stairs, huge silver duffel over her shoulder and Patty just behind her. 

 

“Yes, Romeo,” Abby says with a grin as she winds her arm through Erin's. “That's you. Are you ready? This one looks like she needs to be back in bed.”

 

Holtz makes her way over to Erin, and there's a moment where Abby passes Erin's hand to Holtz and it's so symbolic it just about takes the strength from her legs. 

 

Jillian looks to her, touching her forehead gently to gauge her temperature. 

 

“You ok?” Holtz asks seriously, her voice soft and gentle, her eyes settling on Erin's and Erin's alone. 

 

Her palm comes up to rest on Erin's cheek and Erin moves towards the warmth. 

 

“Just a little tired,” Erin says honestly as her hand moves to cover Holtz's. “Take me home?” 

 

Erin catches sight of Abby and Patty watching the two of them over her shoulder and their expressions look happy, soft, even relieved, but it's more than that too. 

 

They look like they're watching something settle together after a long, excruciating walk through ash and dust and almosts, failure finally falling to the earth beneath the weight of their love, and Erin feels something like triumph slip into her veins along with Jillian's heart beat. 

 

“Home,” Jillian says nodding, rolling the meaning of the word across her skin as she smooths her thumb across Erin's cheekbone. 

 

“Let's go home.”

 

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's us team, that's the end.
> 
> There's a nice, 2,500 word epilogue to go to tie everything up, but that's the main story done and dusted.
> 
> I'll leave a much sappier note at the end of the epilogue but very quickly now, an enormous thank you to all of you for reading and commenting thus far. I hope you've enjoyed as much as I have bringing this to you.
> 
> Feel free to drop by my [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com/) and say hi, or send me an email at tiger-lo@outlook.com
> 
> x


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jillian and Erin _live_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're at the end! I can't believe how quickly this has flown by. Thank you all so much for reading, leaving kudos and such wonderful comments, it's been such a pleasure. 
> 
> I hope you've all enjoyed. 
> 
> x

-

 

**epilogue**

 

 

It's a lazy Sunday and the weather's been miserable for days, and Erin thought she would have been bored out of her mind by now because they've been inside all weekend but actually she's not. 

 

They've been quiet, reading mostly and watching the occasional movie and the days have swept easily into each other so it's a peaceful mood that settles over Erin that evening. 

 

She hears the water turn off in the next room and Holtz walks out of their bathroom with a towel wrapped around her, bunched between her breasts, another in her hands as she dries her hair. 

 

She looks up at Erin absentmindedly with a slight tilt of her head, her skin still beautifully pink from the heat of the water. 

 

Jillian likes her showers hot, almost scalding. This is one of the many new things Erin has learned about her in the last six months. 

 

“Hi,” Holtz says with a little smile, slightly amused at the look on Erin's face. 

 

“Hi,” Erin says back easily. “Nice shower?”

 

“Adequately wet,” Holtz says nodding. “Everything ok?”

 

“I love you,” Erin says all of a sudden, the words tumbling from her lips as soon as they flit across her consciousness. 

 

“I love you too,” Holtz says with an amused frown. “You sure everything's ok?”

 

“Yeah,” Erin says reaching her hand towards Holtz, pulling her down into her lap where she's sitting on the couch.  “More than.”

 

Her skin is wonderfully warm against Erin's and there's a flush creeping across her cheeks now that has nothing to do with the shower. 

 

Holtz has her thighs flush against the outside of Erin's and her towel is tucked in between her breasts and it's holding for now,  _ just _ , but it won't stand a chance if Erin so much as looks at it for too long. 

 

Erin runs her palms flat over the top of Jillian's thighs, pushing the bottom of the towel up a little. 

 

Holtz abandons the towel in her hands, throwing it over her shoulder when Erin's hands slide higher to cup her ass before she pulls her a little closer. 

 

“Move in with me,” Erin says whisper soft against Holtz’s lips. 

 

“I don't know if you've noticed Er, but I kinda did that a while ago?” Holtz says pulling back, a little confused. 

 

“No,” Erin says, smiling as she shakes her head. “I mean move into my room, with me. Properly.”

 

They sleep in the same room almost every night, have only spent three or four nights apart since they  _ fixed things _ but Holtz still has her own room, and in this moment Erin can't think why they don't just abandon the pretence that they're not  _ fully _ living together. 

 

“I mean I understand if you want to keep your space, or you think it's too soon but I just, I don't know, want my space to be your space too.”

 

Holtz smiles down at her, beams actually, and presses a firm kiss to her lips before leaning back slightly so she can look at Erin property. 

 

“I'd love too,” Holtz says earnestly. “Love to, Er. If you'll have me.”

 

“We can change the bedding or get new furniture or whatever you want but I just want you there, all the time. Is that silly?”

 

“Not silly,” Holtz says pressing another kiss to Erin's lips. “Very cute. And I love your sheets. They smell like you.”

 

Erin smiles back, winding her hands in Jillian's still damp hair as she pulls her down for a kiss that echoes deeper in her belly. 

 

She sighs deeply when they part and her heart  _ aches _ because she can never remember ever being so damn happy. 

 

“Tonight?” Holtz asks a little excitedly. 

 

“Oh sure,” Erin says with an innocent nod. “I mean if there's nothing else you'd rather be doing now, then sure.”

 

Jillian smiles wickedly down at her then, tugs softly at the front of her towel and Erin's mouth just falls open because  _ god _ , how is she this beautiful. 

 

“Better?” Holtz asks with a smirk.

 

“Much,” Erin says as she runs her hands down Holtz’s neck, over her shoulders to palm her breasts softly. 

 

“Room?” Erin asks as she rolls a nipple between her fingers easily. 

 

“No,” Holtz half-moans, shaking her head. “Here. Have me here.”

 

Erin smiles as she leans in, replaces her fingers with her mouth and draws Jillian towards her with hands at her back. 

 

She moves then, collecting Jillian's body in her arms so she can roll them and press Jillian down into the softness of the couch. 

 

“Off,” Holtz says simply, tugging at the hem of the loose top Erin's wearing. “You're wearing too much.”

 

She obliges, watching Holtz’s eyes go wide when she realises Erin's bare beneath that one layer too. 

 

“God you're hot for a forty year old,” Holtz teases as she leans up and places an open mouthed kiss on the swell of Erin's breast, her teeth nipping at the skin as she draws back. 

 

“Fuck you,” Erin says with a half-smile, half-frown. 

 

“Gladly,” Holtz says with a smirk that makes Erin push down harder with her hips, desperate for friction. 

 

She feels beautiful like this, maybe for the first time in her entire life and she puts her soul into the next kiss, wants to make sure Holtz  _ understands _ . 

 

She does, if the lips that plant  _ I love you’s  _ up and down her body are anything to go by. 

 

It's soft and simple and they take their time beautifully, like this is the only thing their bodies have to do for the rest of eternity. 

 

Their moans fill the apartment for hours after. 

  
  


-

  
  


They move Holtz properly the next night because it's almost two am by the time they finally fall asleep against each other, spent and exhausted and blissfully sore. 

 

There's more than Erin expects at first which is wonderful because she's always hated how stock-standard IKEA catalogue her bedroom was, tasteful and simple yes, but never lived in despite having been there for years. 

 

Her clothes fit perfectly into the space in Erin's closet and drawers, the notebook she's half filled with four am ideas finds it's home on the bedside table and Erin smiles at the teenage  **JH loves EG** drawn in pen on the front cover. 

 

She does find one thing she knows she probably shouldn't when she scoops up the last of Holtz’s clothes, the ones she barely uses from the last drawer in her old room. 

 

She drops them on the bed in a big pile before she starts folding them back into order and dropping in the drawer she'd just cleared when she spots a small teal box amongst the clothes. 

 

She freezes, because it's something she's actually been thinking about lately too because she's that happy it hurts to breath sometimes, and she wants it to go on  _ forever _ . 

 

She doesn't look though because she could be completely wrong, and even if she's exactly right it's not her place to before Holtz gives her the honour. 

 

This is of course the exact moment Holtz chooses to walk back into the room. 

 

“Hey Er, leave that last drawer will you, I…..oh.”

 

Holtz freezes too but doesn't panic, because Erin at least had the forethought to throw the shirt in her hands over the box before she'd looked down. 

 

Holtz frowns, looking to Erin with a slightly wide-eyed look before she bites her lip and speaks. 

 

“You didn't happen to see….anything in that drawer did you?” 

 

“Nope,” Erin says easily. “Nothing, why? Are you looking for something?”

 

It's not a lie per se because technically she hasn't seen anything, and she knows how upset Holtz would be if she thought Erin had seen something she hadn't been ready to show her. 

 

“You sure?” Holtz asks, eying her suspiciously. 

 

“Why,” Erin says narrowing her eyes in kind in an attempt to throw her off the scent. “What are you hiding?”

 

“Nothing,” Holtz says shrugging, moving to stand next to Erin. “Hey, I can finish up here, why don't you go make yourself a cup of tea or something. Put your feet up. We're almost done, anyway.”

 

“Ok,” Erin says nonchalantly. “If you're sure?”

 

“Positive babe,” Holtz says pressing a kiss to her cheek as she steers Erin away from the pile of clothes. 

 

She doesn't bother to look for the box again, just runs a plan in the back of her own mind on the off-chance that it doesn't reappear of its own accord in a different manner. 

 

It does though, almost eight months later in the middle of the night. 

 

Erin wakes to an empty bed, not an altogether strange occurrence because they're both terrible sleepers, but still she always looks for Jillian when she does. 

 

She doesn't have to go far. She walks into the lounge and sees Holtz sitting cross legged on a chair looking out the window at the night's sky, and she turns before Erin actually has a chance to speak, her body finding the pulse of Erin's in the dark. 

 

Erin entwines their fingers together when she walks up to the back of the chair, sliding her hands down and over Holtz’s bare arms. 

 

‘Will you walk with me?” Holtz asks softly. 

 

“Now?” Erin asks sleepily. 

 

“Yeah,” Holtz says smiling. “It's for a reason, I promise.”

 

Erin nods smiling as they walk back to their room hand in hand, pulling on a couple of baggy sweatshirts and a pair of yoga pants and track pants a piece. 

 

It's the middle of the night so the air is cool but it's still summer so the nip isn't there yet. 

 

The city's awake, always awake, and they collect a cup of cocoa from a street vendor before Jillian walks them back to the firehouse. 

 

Erin's a little confused but she doesn't say anything, because Jillian clearly has a plan of some description and then she remembers the box in the pile of clothes and her hands start to shake a little around her drink. 

 

Holtz leads them up the stairs to the roof without turning any of the lights on, depositing Erin on a deck chair while she moves behind Erin, tinkering with something before Erin hears a low hum and the roof is lit by hundreds of twinkling lights. 

 

Her mouth drops open because it's  _ beautiful _ and she spins to find Jillian walking towards her with a soft smile on her face. 

 

She deposits a thick blanket over Erin's shoulders before kneeling down in front of her. 

 

“Oh my god….” Erin says so softly she's not even sure she Holtz hears her but then she smiles, a nervous shaky smile, and Erin knows she did. 

 

“Er, I've thought long and hard about how to do this. I've imagined about twenty ludicrously expensive versions involving hot air balloons and horseback rides at sunset but none of them fit, you know? None of them were you. Were  _ us _ . So I went back to the drawing board.”

 

Erin smiles because she can imagine this, can imagine Holtz pouring over complicated schemes and plans only to throw them out because they didn't feel right. 

 

Her leg is bouncing a little as she kneels and Erin wants to reach a hand out and steady it but she doesn't want to put Jillian off, so she holds. 

 

“Erin, the happiest moments of my life have happened in this building. Apart from one. The day I met you at Higgins. I almost thought about breaking in there to do this but I figured you'd give me that look right there,” Holtz says smiling, breaking off at the expression on Erin's face. “So I went for plan-b instead.”

 

“I love the stars,” she says, taking Erin's hand as she looks up. “Did you know that? They make me feel like I'm never alone. They've kept me company more nights than I could remember. When I thought about how I'd like to do this the simplest most  _ us _ version was you and me, in the place that's made me the happiest. In the place where I've felt most at peace with myself.”

 

Erin's crying now, small silent tears that slide down her cheeks and colour the grey sweater she's wearing. 

 

“I love you Erin Gilbert, have from the moment I met you. And never in a million years did I ever think I'd be lucky enough to actually get to spend my life with you. I know we had a different beginning to the one I would have liked to give you, but I think we're stronger for that.”

 

She pauses then leaning up to catch a few of Erin's tears as the smiles back. 

 

“I never thought I'd get married. Never thought I'd want to buy into the whole institution but Erin, never have I ever wanted anything more than to be able to call myself your wife. Or to be able to call you mine.”

 

She reaches into her pocket, pulls out the little ring box Erin had seen months ago and Erin gasps when the moonlight catches the diamond as Holtz takes it in her hand. 

 

“Erin Gilbert, light of my life. Will you do me the tremendous honour of sharing the rest of your life with me?”

 

“Yes,” Erin gasps, standing as she pulls Jillian into her arms, jumps up to wrap her legs around the blonde’s waist as Holt spins them in a circle like ballerinas on the roof. 

 

“Yes,” Erin breathes as she presses kiss after kiss to Jillian's cheeks as they turn. “Yes, yes, yes.”

 

Eventually they stop spinning and slow, and Holtz sets her down gently as Erin pulls Holtz in for a kiss that lights a fire beneath her skin. 

 

Holtz draws back slightly, takes Erin's hand in hers gently as she sets the ring onto Erin's finger. 

 

“It's perfect,” Erin says and Jillian beams. “ _ Far _ too much because I'd have said yes with a plastic one but god, it's beautiful.”

 

“You deserve the world Er,” Holtz says gently, raising Erin's hand to press a kiss to her knuckles. “I'd put a star on your hand if I could.”

 

“You have,” Erin says with a breath, watching the stone on her finger throw the moonlight. 

 

“Plus,” Holtz says with a shrug as she twirls Erin. “Nuclear patents are worth a bomb. What else was I going to do with the money?”

 

Erin laughs as the happiness soaks into her bones and Holtz twirls Erin back close into her body. 

 

They dance for a while as Holtz hums a soft tune for them and they spin around the rooftop, their bodies warming slowly with the movement. 

 

Erin gasps when Holtz dips her. And again when her lips find the long bend of Erin's neck, one hand at Erin's waist and the other wound in Erin's hair supporting her neck. 

 

She brings Erin up one last time, their bodies flush together as the stars sing above them, and Erin leans in to press a whisper soft against Holtz's lips. 

 

“Take me home, Jill,” Erin says between kisses. “I want to make love to my fiancée.”

  
  


-

 

  
**end** . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. It's over. I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry, this feels like it's been my baby for so long it's so strange it's all done and out there. I hope you've all enjoyed reading as much as I have writing it. 
> 
> I'm working on another Erin/Jillian mini-adventure at the moment so keep an eye out for that in the next few weeks too :)
> 
> Thank you all so much again, you're all wonderful. Don't forget to pop by and say hi on [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com/) or send me an email at tiger-lo@outlook.com if you'd like.
> 
> Bye for now.
> 
> x


End file.
